GupShup Forums - View Single Post - need help..i've kept it in inside me to long:'(

redvelvet · Jun 7th, 2009, 01:32 AM

[QUOTE=Fizzels;6566432]

I am now about to leave college but have loadss of questions i need help with..shall i go to my ex and try and sort things out just to be frnds as i will see him bc of our families? i now have rishta's coming..if things are a defo with sum1..do i tell my husband to be?.. Do i tell my family..who i have never hid anything from?...why do i still think of him..and now just every now and agen but like all the time??..what should i do!..

Hi Fizzels,

Many people are going to advise you to move on from your ex. This may not be what you want to hear, I know. But it's in your best interest if you move on toward better people and better opportunities. I understand that "moving on" is easier said than done. But, it's not impossible.

The "friends" that you've described (B, C, and ex) seem like a network of evil. A long time ago, your ex dumped A only because he wanted to go out with you. He probably treated A in the same way he has now treated you. In other words, he probably dumped A without providing her a reason. This is a HUGE sign of immaturity and selfishness. This guy only seems to think of his own needs.

So, think about this. He dumped A for you.....(most likely without giving her a reason). And then he dumped you for C (without giving you a reason). He has displayed a pattern of selfish behavior. And then he had the NERVE to blame YOU for his break-up with A. See what I mean? He doesn't even have the maturity to accept responsibility for his actions.

Is this the kind of guy you want to spend your life with? Do you want to know why you can't get him out of your mind? It's because you have spent so much time with him. But you need to understand that time does not mean love. You might argue that this guy was very sweet and caring towards you. But let me tell you that some guys (not all guys)..........but SOME guys know how to play the game. They know all the right sweet things to say to a girl in order to get what they want (physical intimacy). It's called taking advantage of a person. Don't try to fool yourself by thinking of all the "sweet things" he said or did. If he really cared for you, he'd treat you with dignity and respect you.

Even if this guy had lost romantic interest in you...............he could have at least told you face to face that he no longer wants a romantic relationship. And even after breaking up with you..........he could have at least tried to behave politely with you as a friend. BUT he didn't even do that. Why? Because he doesn't even understand the concept of basic respect. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with?

Now let's talk about your other friends, B and C. B is treating you in a rude manner because maybe she's upset that you were the reason your ex stopped hanging out with her. And C was NEVER your sincere friend because she has her own personal interest in your ex. NONE of these people (B, C, or ex) know what friendship or respect means. With "friends" like these, you don't need enemies. These "friends" are soooooooo bad that they're probably spreading negative things about you to other groups at school. They're destroying your reputation. They are scum. And rest assured, Allah will teach them a lesson.

Now lets move on to why you're cutting yourself. You are cutting yourself because you have so much emotional hurt inside of you and you feel that you don't have an outlet to express your pain. Your friends are ignoring you.......so you feel like you have no one to talk to. And one reason why people cut is because they don't have an outlet to express their pain. But, I hope that you will feel better after expressing yourself on Gupshup. Allah has given you your body as a gift to take care of. By cutting yourself for no good reason, you're committing a gunnah. Don't do that. Why are you inflicting permanent scars on your body for a guy who only thought of you as temporary????? Don't do that. Don't harm your body for a guy who doesn't respect women. Have resepct for yourself. Your life isn't over. Things can and will get better.

This guy doesn't respect women. Does he have a sister? How would he like it if his own sister was treated by some guy in the same manner? Trust me.......he is not worth your time. If he wanted to keep you even as a friend..........he would have continued to treat you with respect even after he broke up with you. But he didn't do that. And it's because he doesn't even respect you as a friend. So, in my opinion it's best if you DON'T resume friendship with this guy. Many girls make the mistake of maintaining friendship with their ex......and this is dangerous in the sense that the ex can.......at some point in the future.......take advantage of her again. So, don't give him that chance to hurt you again. Don't be his friend. He's already proved what kind of a friend he is to you.

Should you tell your family? We don't know your family, so it's hard to determine the right answer. Do you have a trustworthy and mature sister? Perhaps you can confide in her if you feel the need to lighten your emotional burden.

Should you tell your future husband? NO. I have read the same question on Islamic websites and the experts suggest that you are not obligated to share your past with your future husband. Your past sins are between you and Allah. All that matters is that you sincerely repent and look forward to a fresh start in life. Telling your furture rishta is risky because you don't want the person to spread gossip about you and plus it has the potential to create other problems especially if the future spouse is not understanding about your past situation.

You seem like a smart girl, sweetheart. You've tried ignoring your ex and "friends" because deep down you know their characters are horrible. You don't need the approval of such people. Consider it Allah's mercy that He has shown you the truth about this guy NOW. You should appreciate this blessing and look forward to graduation and a better future and a new beginning. Seek help/patience/peace through namaz and dua.

Also, please refer to this Islamic website link below because it explains whether or not one should explain to a future rishta about past romantic relationships:

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...berCounselingE

Jun 7th, 2009, 01:32 AM	#9 (permalink)
redvelvet Senior Member Join Date: Dec 30, 2008 - 9:30 pm Posts: 4,494	[QUOTE=Fizzels;6566432] I am now about to leave college but have loadss of questions i need help with..shall i go to my ex and try and sort things out just to be frnds as i will see him bc of our families? i now have rishta's coming..if things are a defo with sum1..do i tell my husband to be?.. Do i tell my family..who i have never hid anything from?...why do i still think of him..and now just every now and agen but like all the time??..what should i do!.. Hi Fizzels, Many people are going to advise you to move on from your ex. This may not be what you want to hear, I know. But it's in your best interest if you move on toward better people and better opportunities. I understand that "moving on" is easier said than done. But, it's not impossible. The "friends" that you've described (B, C, and ex) seem like a network of evil. A long time ago, your ex dumped A only because he wanted to go out with you. He probably treated A in the same way he has now treated you. In other words, he probably dumped A without providing her a reason. This is a HUGE sign of immaturity and selfishness. This guy only seems to think of his own needs. So, think about this. He dumped A for you.....(most likely without giving her a reason). And then he dumped you for C (without giving you a reason). He has displayed a pattern of selfish behavior. And then he had the NERVE to blame YOU for his break-up with A. See what I mean? He doesn't even have the maturity to accept responsibility for his actions. Is this the kind of guy you want to spend your life with? Do you want to know why you can't get him out of your mind? It's because you have spent so much time with him. But you need to understand that time does not mean love. You might argue that this guy was very sweet and caring towards you. But let me tell you that some guys (not all guys)..........but SOME guys know how to play the game. They know all the right sweet things to say to a girl in order to get what they want (physical intimacy). It's called taking advantage of a person. Don't try to fool yourself by thinking of all the "sweet things" he said or did. If he really cared for you, he'd treat you with dignity and respect you. Even if this guy had lost romantic interest in you...............he could have at least told you face to face that he no longer wants a romantic relationship. And even after breaking up with you..........he could have at least tried to behave politely with you as a friend. BUT he didn't even do that. Why? Because he doesn't even understand the concept of basic respect. Is that the kind of guy you want to be with? Now let's talk about your other friends, B and C. B is treating you in a rude manner because maybe she's upset that you were the reason your ex stopped hanging out with her. And C was NEVER your sincere friend because she has her own personal interest in your ex. NONE of these people (B, C, or ex) know what friendship or respect means. With "friends" like these, you don't need enemies. These "friends" are soooooooo bad that they're probably spreading negative things about you to other groups at school. They're destroying your reputation. They are scum. And rest assured, Allah will teach them a lesson. Now lets move on to why you're cutting yourself. You are cutting yourself because you have so much emotional hurt inside of you and you feel that you don't have an outlet to express your pain. Your friends are ignoring you.......so you feel like you have no one to talk to. And one reason why people cut is because they don't have an outlet to express their pain. But, I hope that you will feel better after expressing yourself on Gupshup. Allah has given you your body as a gift to take care of. By cutting yourself for no good reason, you're committing a gunnah. Don't do that. Why are you inflicting permanent scars on your body for a guy who only thought of you as temporary????? Don't do that. Don't harm your body for a guy who doesn't respect women. Have resepct for yourself. Your life isn't over. Things can and will get better. This guy doesn't respect women. Does he have a sister? How would he like it if his own sister was treated by some guy in the same manner? Trust me.......he is not worth your time. If he wanted to keep you even as a friend..........he would have continued to treat you with respect even after he broke up with you. But he didn't do that. And it's because he doesn't even respect you as a friend. So, in my opinion it's best if you DON'T resume friendship with this guy. Many girls make the mistake of maintaining friendship with their ex......and this is dangerous in the sense that the ex can.......at some point in the future.......take advantage of her again. So, don't give him that chance to hurt you again. Don't be his friend. He's already proved what kind of a friend he is to you. Should you tell your family? We don't know your family, so it's hard to determine the right answer. Do you have a trustworthy and mature sister? Perhaps you can confide in her if you feel the need to lighten your emotional burden. Should you tell your future husband? NO. I have read the same question on Islamic websites and the experts suggest that you are not obligated to share your past with your future husband. Your past sins are between you and Allah. All that matters is that you sincerely repent and look forward to a fresh start in life. Telling your furture rishta is risky because you don't want the person to spread gossip about you and plus it has the potential to create other problems especially if the future spouse is not understanding about your past situation. You seem like a smart girl, sweetheart. You've tried ignoring your ex and "friends" because deep down you know their characters are horrible. You don't need the approval of such people. Consider it Allah's mercy that He has shown you the truth about this guy NOW. You should appreciate this blessing and look forward to graduation and a better future and a new beginning. Seek help/patience/peace through namaz and dua. Also, please refer to this Islamic website link below because it explains whether or not one should explain to a future rishta about past romantic relationships: http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...berCounselingE Last edited by redvelvet; Jun 7th, 2009 at 02:08 AM..