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- May 2nd, 2008, 06:32 PM #1----
- Join Date
- Jan 8, 2008
- Chand meri zameen , Phool meera watan
Hey I am father of two angel like teenager boys. But I am also on the lookout for advice from other parents to be ready just in case .
So during my quest for advice I came across this blog. I have acquired pre-approval to share it here from the moderators and have provided the links to them. Oh yes I have tried my utmost to edit out the profanity. If any is left out inadvertently please let me know and I will edit that out.
About the author.
Crystal the blogger has a girl, Virginia, who is eight and a boy, Devon, who is fifteen and baby Harmony . She is married to Chris. This is not a mommy blog. She says her kids aren't perfect & she cuss a lot which she thinks disqualifies her from the mommy blog club.
My son and his friend, Julio, spend most of their time huddled together, whispering about boobs or XBox or the latest crisis at school. They are good boys, but my son will occasionally have a brain fart.
As I was driving them around the other day, the gas bubbled up and spilled over.
"Hey, Mom. I need you to stop at Rite Aid."
He turned in his seat and looked at Julio and they both smirked.
"Why? Are you out of something?"
"No, not really. I need something, though. It starts with a 'c' and ends with 'dum'".
More smirking, with a side of giggling.
"Oh, really? "Dumb" being the operative word here because you won't have anything to use if you keep up with that **** and who the hell do you think you are my God you're only fourteen have you lost your everloving mind-"
They are laughing and having a great time and I just had a coronary.
"Ok, ok! It's an inside joke, Mom!"
It was an inside joke. He let that **** out and now it's an outside, creep-the-mom joke. When he saw how much it affected me, he grabbed the reins on that sob and has been riding it for days, driving me to the brink of madness.
There's nothing quite as frightening as the realization that your kids will probably act the exact same way you did when you were their age.
So, daily, I am asked to make a trip to Rite Aid. When I pale and get all sweaty, they laugh and tease me about how many illegitimate children my son is going to have because I won't buy him condoms. I asked him to stop. I ordered him to stop. Day after day, he continued.
I had no choice. I had to retaliate.
Now, in reality, my son is never even alone with a girl. He and his friends are at the age where they're curious about sex and all the goings on and that's fine. But giving me grief about being a grandma before I'm forty? Over the line.
On the way home last night, I ran into Walgreens to pick up a prescription. While I was in there, I picked up something else. When we got home, my son announced that he and Julio were going walking.
"Not now, Devon. Go in the living room. Chris and I need to talk to you."
He gave me a puzzled look.
"Can Julio come? Or is it a private talk?"
"No, Julio can take part. I think that's actually best."
Another puzzled look and he complied. When he and Julio were seated on the sofa, Chris and I launched our attack.
"Crystal, do you want to start, or should I?"
"Oh, babe, I think you should. I ... I can't."
Devon and Julio look at each other and the snickering begins. Bait taken.
With a grave look on his face, Chris began.
"Devon, son. I want to talk to you about condoms."
My son and Julio fell all over each other, gasping for air and high-fiving one another.
"Dude! I totally knew that's what this was! Oh, my God! We so pulled this off!" Devon said.
Hook. Line. Sinker.
"Devon. This is a serious matter. You need to be a little more receptive to what we're trying to do, here," I said.
He and Julio straightened themselves up and gave us their utmost, completely insincere attention.
"Mom, it was a joke. An inside-"
"No, no, I think it was more than that. I think it was your way of asking for information without actually asking-"
"Shut it. And listen," I commanded. "Chris, continue."
"Devon. Your mom and I have been talking and we really want you to be safe. We know things happen and you're human, you have all these urges and hormones and....stuff."
The boys begin squirming and looking thoroughly uncomfortable. Inside joke, indeed.
"So, to make sure of that," Chris says as he reaches into his pocket and my child begins to turn an alarming shade of red, "we picked you up some protection for you and your partner."
He drops these into Devon's lap.
"One for all five of them."
As Chris and I sit smugly and watch, my son goes from amused to embarrassed to horrified to flinging them off of his lap and shrieking like a little girl, all in under two minutes. It was a thing of beauty.
"What the hell?! What are these? They're tiny! Jeez, did you pick them up at the Asian market? Holy crap! I can't believe you threw condoms in my lap! And I can't believe they're so little!"
I pissed my pants. Twice. Chris isn't breathing. We are in ecstacy.
After Devon finally calmed down, he and Julio went for their walk. Were we done? Mission accomplished?
HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING ABOUT ME????
When Devon returned home, he went to his room. Chris and I waited quietly in the living room.
More shrieking as he reached for his light switch.
He grabbed a paper towel and removed the offending object so he could flip the switch. Nothing. So, he turned to reach for his ceiling fan to pull the cord for the light. Shrieking.
"You guys! Gah! Seriously!" More paper towels, more cringing. When the room was finally illuminated, again with the shrieking.
"Oh, my gosh. Are there any more? In my backpack? Under my pillow?"
"Nope. Don't think so," I said.
Later, lying in bed, I heard him rummaging in the kitchen for his nightly bowl of cereal. And then shrieking.
He stormed into the bedroom.
"Condoms on the milk jug?! You guys are sick. Twisted. Sick. Ugh."
After he left, Chris asked, "Are we going to tell him what they really are?"
"Nah. Not for a few days."
I fell asleep, smile on my face. In the wee hours, when I went to get something to drink, I found a dozen tiny finger cots in the trash.
This morning, when Devon blearily stumbled to the bathroom to brush his teeth, I reveled in the sound of the squealing.
And just when he thought it was over:
Don't test me, childSome day this world will be a better place. Keep working to make it better one minute at a time.
- May 2nd, 2008, 07:02 PM #2----
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- Jul 2, 2007
Ok wait, you have 2 teeange boys?My father believed that if the world found out who I really was they'd reject me out of fear.
- May 3rd, 2008, 12:41 PM #3----
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- Sep 15, 2007
- The Faraway Tree
lollllllllll, i like the mum's evil sense of humour :biggthumb'The past cannot be changed, the future is still in your power'
'Seems like all I really was doing was waiting for you'
'The cock croweth but the hen delivereth the goods'
- May 3rd, 2008, 06:02 PM #4----
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- Aug 28, 2006
- May 3rd, 2008, 10:00 PM #5----
- Join Date
- Jan 1, 2007
I think its disgusting. Totally unamusedit's the heart afraid of dying, that never learns to dance; It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance; It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give; And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live.
- May 4th, 2008, 12:41 AM #6----
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- Mar 3, 2008
- May 5th, 2008, 04:25 AM #7----
- Join Date
- Apr 4, 2006
what have you learnt from the story?
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