hurry up 3rd november be over with

I'm addicted to two things, or make it three....these are the staples of my diet

-yop - its a strawberry yoghurt drink. At minimum i have a full bottle...or most days 2
- chakri sticks ....so spicy n delicious...like bombay sticks
and then theres jeera para...its like nimak paray but jeera para

i can not eat anything but i have to have the above...every day

its so baddd naa
i dont eat fruit at all...cant remember the last time i ate fruit...normally buy it then throw it away.....but with zain....its SUCH an effort for me to buy and wash and present it to him but shukar hea he loves strawberrys and grapes...and today he was eating a plate and he said to me....' mama, ka lo ' hehhehehe and offered me a grape

I find fruit messy..too much washing and dirty hands involved and im already OCD with washing my hands all time so ....not goooodd..but i make the efffort for zain....bless him

My bro rings me now.....he rings every evening.....i have been through the grief stricken stage now....im more calm n serene but its an uneasy calm. Like my heart is stone and i dont let it get to me anymroe and no more tears come...and i question my own self as to why i am not affected...i want to be more affected but im not...theres just this void and blank space...and when we talk....like for example....him getting an industrial cleaning job.......he asked me to pray he gets it as he gets more time out of the cell.....and he did...first day today......and i was like oh wow...really good blah blah....but i knw its not good at all. Like not good him being there and him to have to get me to pray to get jobs like this......i think this strange steely emotion came frmo when i saw him cry. Something just locked up inside me and my minds not lettin it out.

I feel like such a witch of a sister...but i know im not. Me and T are pretty good sisters....we really go beyond and all out for our bros. God knows we care for like them anything...just a bit stumped on this one though

Started my new role as team leader...its my current role of legal advisor combined with managing a team of 4 girls its only 4 people but one of them is someone who didnt get the team leader job....a competitor.....and rumour has it she looks down on people who do not have post grad qualifications.....i dont have post grad and she wanted my job...so i guess there will be some issues there heheheehe.... but i dont think there is an issue in the world that can get to me...im pretty smooooth like that

My son is asleep. He's so much hard work i swear.
He's smashed up my nokia fone
hes knackered the set top box for the cable
Hes been at the PC too...
And he was having a go at the cordless phone

When he gets daant and maar he finds it funny. He just laughs
so then i laugh and it just turns silly

He has the stupid names for stuff
'gogo' is dummy
'abai' is dawai
'paaji' is chaabi
anga is khala
amiya is allah miyah

and right now....this tired girly is off to bed....its so odd...i dont knw whether im a girl or a lady anymore....i am stuck in this girl mode....yet when i read papers n they refer to 28 year olds as 'women' i freak out.....i think blimey.....they see me as a woman..as a lady...im no longer a girl....but i still tell myself i am... or maybe my english is poorer than i thought....i have no sense of understanding the difference in the terms...

enough is enough now...must go to bed ...

keep me in ur prayers xx