Pure Ramdomness

Feel crappy?

Yeahhh me too!

Yes ‘crappy’ is the only word that I can possibly use to state what I feel right now. You know there comes a point when you you’ve taken ‘crap’ from people left right and center and you just say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.” Stop RIGHT there. Yes, it’s happened. It happens every now and then. It’s been happening for as long as I remember being a kid. Things have changed. People change. Matter of fact remains that it’s the way I perceive things now. It’s just the way I deal with things. I don’t let it get to me…really. I laugh it off. I’d think “koi baat nahi. Janay do. Hota hai…hota hai” Dust dirt off my shoulders. KABOOM! I know people hate that. They think that “I don’t care” or whatever the case might be but hey it works for me and I’m going to employ anything that works GOOD for me. It only comes with age and a handful of painful experiences and incidents. That’s all that it takes.

It was a gorgeous day today. As Baba and I exited the doors of Trilliums Hospital today, he put his arms around my shoulder and kissed my head asking me “ghar ki yaad aati hai?” I replied back saying “bohot ziada aati hai. It’s very difficult, Baba. Main abhi tak adjust nahi kar saki hoon” He very calmly replied to me “haan mujhe andaza hai beta. Bohot mushkil kaam hota hai ye.”

I see things around me that just sadden me to a point that I can NEVER ever explain to anyone in words. I don’t mean any petty issues like “I am fat” or “I broke my nail” or “no one likes/talks to me” or “no one cares.” I am looking way past the obvious. I am seeing my parents suffer day in and day out. They’re getting old and sick. I know they’re in a lot of pain right now. They’re struggling with their finances, their children and their health. They are worried sick about their families here and in Pakistan. I don’t see a very bright future here. I am sickenly concerned about Baba. I can’t help but desperately feel helpless come over me when I think of him driving for such long hours. He wants to be with his family SO badly yet he’s still kept away. He is not in the best health to be doing and going through all this. I feel extremely hurt from inside thinking about how and what my husband goes through for various things. I know there are tiny goals that he is trying to accomplish in life right now. I see his struggles. I’m trying to stand strong besides him. I know I’m a big screw-up and a big flop most of the times. But I can try and that’s the best I can do. I feel horrible about Sunny. I know we’ve all wronged him in our genuine attempts of trying to get him on track. The truth remains that no matter how much anyone tries to change another human being, change comes from WITHIN. It cannot be forced upon anyone. I truly believe in SHOWING someone the way but sometimes it becomes important to grab their hand and force them out of hell-hole. But even THAT can backfire at you. Every night that he picks me up from work, the entire ride back home from work I stumble all the way down from the top to the extreme bottom looking at him. It’s quite obvious that he’s going through a lot. That’s family for me. I feel for the ‘miskeen’ and helpless. There are some people in Pakistan who are still recovering from the aftermath of the monsoon rain. They literally don’t have roofs and are in absolutely no financial state to back their selves up. I know there are people who are dependent on Sadqah from us to put food on their tables for the rest of the year. No I am NOT making things up or neither am I sympathizing for someone or something I saw on the TV or on YouTube. I KNOW these people and my heart goes out to THEM. If you’re capable of taking care of yourself and you’ve the resources and power to do so yet you choose to ignore it in petty materialistic wants and needs – I will show NO remorse to you. And if you don’t then really, my heart goes out to you. And that's just the FRIGGIN dirty realist in me! I don’t care or think about ‘myself’ much now… really. I don’t think about people who are doing me wrong or so forth. That’s really a JOKE for me now. It’s been a WHILE since I’ve ACTUALLY taken the time to think about myself let alone voicing it. I don’t and can't react anymore. I don’t cry anymore. But the truth is that I’m a human being after all and that I can take things only to a certain degree.

I’m afraid a lot of things that my hubby tells me come true. It’s just how it’s been since day 1. I really wish he wasn’t sleeping right now. I really feel like crying. I really wish I could talk to him right now. I just couldn’t take it anymore and so I went and lay besides him while he was sleeping. I rested for a good few minutes. I couldn’t help but shed a few tears and sprung back up. He woke up and asked “Kya hoa?” I replied back saying “I feel like crap” He asked “tabiyat theek hai?” I assured him that I’m fine. I really feel for him. I know he’s in a lot of pain. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve been in a great loss in a lot of different senses. He’s really my savior.

I realize that I held on to some strings very tightly. I held a few people very close to my heart and in my life. I can’t help but sense that I shouldn’t have done it. Not only have I hurt and disappointed people around me in the process of doing so but I’ve also hurt the people who I held on to. Every relationship should have a healthy and reasonable distance for the betterment of the people involved. It’s just for their mental well-being and for the sake of having a healthy relationship. No I REALLY am NOT talking out of anger or disappointment here even if it may seem so. It’s just a matter of pure realization that it’s time to really let go…

I’ve had numerous times that I haven’t stood up for myself. I have had countless times when I don’t feel like giving explanations. I don’t feel like clarifying things. I’d always think “those who know me know me well. Those who don’t can go to hell. Allah ta’ala is my biggest witness. HE knows it. I don’t need to clarify to anyone” I grew up thinking that as a kid, as an adult…as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife and as a human being. You know what though? I know that might not be the best strategy and that thought itself is essentially faulty. It’s okay though. Meh. Whatever.

It’s only belief and faith that I have that keeps me alive…that keeps me strong…that keeps me going. I feel really annoyed by a lot of things at times and I wish I can slap some sense into people who are blinded by their own worldy wants and wishes. WAKE UP PEOPLE. OPEN YOUR EYES. TRY TO LOOK PAST WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. Don't get suckered by your own pool of thoughts. But then again I don't have the right to do or say anything.
Some believe in never forgiving and forgetting where as some believe in forgiving but never forgetting. I used to believe in forgiving but never forgetting. Over time, I feel that my thoughts, feelings and beliefs are switching gears – I am starting to disagree with “forgiving and never forgetting” for the simple reason that if you can’t forget, you just haven’t forgiven. Period.

I feel like I’ve changed so MUCH in the past couple of years that it amuses me at times. No I don’t want to go back to being how I was. No I don’t plan on being something else. I’m comfortable in my skin. I don’t like complaining anymore. I cannot stand petty BS. I just can NOT. PERIOD. No ifs, ands and buts. Mind you, I complain too. I whine too. I LOVE to rant. But I normally complain and rant about very minute things. I complain and get over it. Cry me a river; build a bridge and GET OVER IT! GODDAMNIT! I really have NO tolerance for HS drama in my life anymore. I’m a 26 year old woman with a hint of maturity, immaturity, sensibility, childishness, foolishness all hidden somewhere inside me. It’s what you bring out in a person right?

I’ve set a few goals for myself for the next few months. I’m not setting any unrealistic or outrageous goals. These are things that might mean nothing to anyone but means everything to me. If Allah ta’ala makes a way for me and helps me through this, well and good. If not, then I’m just going to move on to the next chapter of my life. Having that said, I’m going to get back to studying. I can’t wait for 2 things now; Thursday when I’m going to be done writing IFIC and for my little angel Rayyan to come to this world, inshaAllah It gives me GOOSE bumps thinking about it. I’m going to leave a song that I’ve recently fallen in love with:

YouTube - TUNE JO NA KAHA (HQ) | FULL SONG | NEW YORK | HINDI MOVIE | JOHN KATRINA NEIL (2009)