Moments of Self-reflection

To a person who is clinically depressed and is on the verge of being suicidal, watch how she gets told by people not to do anything ‘stupid’ in other words end her life because of the grief it will cause to others. Reality is that whether you commit suicide or you die a natural death, people will obviously and naturally mourn over death of a loved one. They surely will be swamped by multitudes of emotions; anger, sorrow, fear, grief - you name it - they've got it. Tears are shed at their ultimate generosity. People carry a broken heart everywhere they go. But as is the case with everything... nothing is forever and there will come a time when people will get over whatever it is that's causing them grief. In this case, it's your death. This, my friend is a bare-naked fact of life. Period.

I did find myself in a spot in life where I had to deal with alcoholics in the family. I was by myself... literally ALL alone having to deal with cops in the times when this individual tried to commit suicide and tried to fight with not only her family but the cops. When I say ‘fight’ I don’t mean petty arguments, I mean fights where she would get violent and attack the other person. Reality is, she adapted extreme measures to get away from what she was going through... she sunk into alcohol...tried running away from home... tried committing suicide. It was an endless chase. As far as I’m concerned, I was downright mad at her. I was really angry with her. I had started to develop negative feelings inside. The frustration built up outrageously. I tried everything possible in my limitations and in my reach to straighten things out and help her out. I broke down and cried in front of her. It's not a pretty seeing a 25 year old on the floor crying and begging to 'stop!' I yelled. I screamed. I pleaded in front of her. My voice pierced through my own ears. I hurt myself - nothing helped. I turned to people desperately searching for answers and for acceptance... I was turned down. I only faced further disappointment. It surprised me at a level that I was literally dumb-founded. It was disappointing coming from people that I least expected. I quietly turned around in a state of utter shock, disappointment and sulked away from everyone... I didn't utter a single word to show just HOW much it affected me. Their reaction, their response and their feedback was SO appalling that I couldn't express my feelings to anyone at all. What more could you do to me? But just for the sake of the person involved, I would fight the world. It’s because it's my mother and I love her to death. I will do and did whatever I was capable of doing to help her out. She needed me the most and there is nowhere else that I rather be than by her side. I will never abandon her no matter how much she hurts me. I spent a chunk of time being angry at her. She failed me. She disappointed me. What I’ve never admitted in front of anyone is that my mother is actually my HERO. I have never said this before but she really has been since I was a child. Her doing all this was such a shock I never recuperated from. It's like this: a coach works his life on his players and building a team. He'd specifically expect a lot from ONE player in his team who would supposedly be the BEST player in his team. For whatever reason if that player is not able to keep up with his performance, it disappoints the coach tremendously. The coach never for a MINUTE even thought that MAYBE the player is not fit anymore. He might have problems emotionally, physically or just generally doesn't want to do what he's been doing. MAYBE he's in PAIN. Every person deserves a break. Every person deserves to be HEARD. Every person deserves to be understood. And so was the case here too, I guess. I realized that I HAD to and NEED to give up on hating what she was doing regardless of what I thought. I have to stop being embarrassed about it. I've to stop being so negative. She needs a lot of love. She needs to be taken care of. She is in a LOT OF PAIN. I learnt the biggest lesson in life and that was to truly forgive and forget people for what they do no matter how much it offends you or hurts you right here. I NEVER will complain to her or let her know how I felt about her at ANY point in my life. My feelings are mine and only for me to keep and know of. Everyone can't and won’t know everything, right? I forgave her from the bottom of my life. I truly did. My perspective changed about a LOT of different things in life. I understand what she did is wrong. It is gunah-e-kabirah. It's downright wrong and unfair to her family but her family was more than unfair to her. She needed help. She really was in a LOT of pain. I'm glad and thankful to Allah ta'ala that she's doing a LOT better now. I love you, Mama. Thank you for always being my super hero. You never failed to impress me with your magical ways. I love you for giving me the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given: my life. Thank you for bearing and bringing up such a strong woman in me. I know I truly reflect YOU in that aspect. Ma, you're truly a woman of substance. You're not our typical desi aunties. You’re different…Ma thanks for not babying me too much. Thanks for kicking me in the tush in the right time at the place. Thank you for letting me fall and not sympathizing with me after my countless defeats and downfalls. Thank you for pushing me to get up. Thank you for helping me build POWER, Ma. More than anything, thank you for not bearing a WIMP or a PUSSY. I am with you and always support you no matter what happens.

Dealing with a rocky marriage is the worst. I've had an unusual case. My nikkah lasted for almost 5 years before my rukhsati was done. There were various different reasons underlying that. There were quite a few problems. People normally fight to get married to the person they love. I got married to a person my parents chose for me. I fell HARD for him and had to end up FIGHTING with the world for him. No wonder people doubt that we secretly had an 'affair' from before. One of the many things and reasons on which I laugh at people now =) I made mistakes. He made mistakes. THEY (my family) made the most appalling and horrendous blunders and mistakes of saying and doing things that they MOST certainly shouldn't have. I fought against all odds to win him back. Let's just say that I walked through nights of severe thunderstorm saving myself from several lightning bolts every few steps of my way. I made it back injured but OKAY in general, Alhamdulillah. I spent endless nights crying and praying to Allah to help me out. By this point, my usual defense mechanism kicked in and I had started pushing people away. I talked to people only because THEY wanted to talk to me not because I wanted to talk to them. He disappointed me...My FAMILY disappointed me. The only thing that I thought at the time was that if my husband and family can't think straight and if they're hell-bent on ruining my life and wrecking my marriage, then I'm not going to dig up my own grave or at least just not YET. So when I walked down the aisle on the 26th of April this year, Waseem walked down half way to get me. What I went through I won't and can't describe in words because NO WORDS WOULD DO MY FEELINGS ANY JUSTICE but the flood of text messages, emails and voicemails I had from my family and friends that very night all telling me the same thing. It said a thing or two about my situation. I had each person individually tell me that they had ‘tears in their eyes’ at that part of the ceremony. Mind you, I'm not trying to imply or show how much I'm "loved" by everyone but I'm just saying that these are people who saw me going through it FIRST hand...

You meet a wide range of people in life. People from different cultural backgrounds... people from different social settings... people from different aspects and different walks of life. I've met a few people like that too. I met one such stranger...pure and innocent...extremely loving and caring. She gave me numerous moments of joy. She's wiped my tears when I was upset. She was there around a lot, if not all, of the difficult AND happy occasions in life. I wish people would just understand that it's not always about always doing what THEY think might be right or wrong for the other person. Sometimes they should just PAUSE to actually find out what the other person wants. I am straight up about a few things in life. I’m a very private person and I cannot stand anyone invading my privacy. I have learnt to suck that up and go against my wishes and wills but sometimes I just wish that when I asked the person to do something that they’d take me seriously. When I ask you to “stop” please do STOP. I’m not just fooling around. I warned her from time to time. I tried telling her politely, rudely and in every way possible. At that point, after trying so much to explain, I gave up and made it clear that “whatever you do from now is something that YOU want to do not because I want you to do it” It was not for my happiness, it was for yours…Lately things have been getting ugly day after day. If I try to do something, I create havoc. My words, my intentions and everything is just misinterpreted. She finds meanings and puts things into perspective at an angle I wish I could understand too. If I don’t do anything or don’t respond, I’m slapped with “you don’t care” and a storm kicks in. I forgive her for she is totally unaware of the damage she has and is causing. She doesn’t even know the mistakes she’s made and I’ve already forgiven her without even having it addressed to her. She fails to understand what makes me what I am today. She fails to understand why I do what I do today. At this point in my life, I’ve developed perseverance, patience and strength that’s beyond the imagination of anyone around me. There are things she and others know of and then there are A LOT of things that these people don’t know of.
As life goes on, we are wrong others and others are wrong us. As human beings, we don’t and can’t understand one another completely. I’ve learnt to forgive and forget people and the things they do for they are human beings and we’re allowed to make mistakes. Mama would always say “Jab Allah ta’ala muaf kar deta hai to hum insaan kon hotain hain doosre insaan ko NA muaf karne walay?” I’m slowly and completely giving up the habit of complaining. I either write or talk to Waseem about it. He puts a very realistic spin on things and finishes off things in a matter of seconds. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve given up. I’ve been defeated and turned down. It made me seriously suicidal at one point in my life. A few months prior to the wedding, I had made up my mind of buying a monthly pass for greyhound and jumping on the bus to go down to different places and cities in the country. I just wanted to look at things and just think… that’s really ALL that I wanted to do. I thought of working at a different place just so that I keep myself away from people who were bringing me down and were causing me so much of pain. So what if I’ve to sweet the floor at a restaurant? I was planning to kill myself and so sweeping the floor is certainly a LOT better. I thought “hey I can kill myself another day, so I might as well give it a try and try living another way!” Suicide is a permanent problem to a temporary solution, as they say it.

I’m fine now. I’m doing much better Alhamdulillah. I’m generally happy.I’m doing what I want to do. More than anything, I’m with the man I love the most. My husband is my LIFE. I hate EVERY single hour that I spend without him. It’s time that I’ve wasted in my eyes. I know he probably doesn’t feel for me at the level that I love for him. He’s just WAY too precious to me, I know what I had to go through to be with him. I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t up to him. And yes as overrated as all this may sound, I’ve changed for the BETTER in a lot of ways in my life because HE has shown me the way…
Today, after a really long time and for the first time since I’ve been married, I had some old thoughts and feelings that were rekindled because of a few different reasons; I feel like I’ve lost a friend… I really did. I never said this before till now but I won’t be the same with her anymore. As of last night, she just died for me. I’m done giving her chances… I’m just done trying. I’m just done being the bad guy here. I’m done. I failed my IFC exam for the second time. I spent hours writing all this at work today. I missed my mom so much. I didn’t have the courage to tell Waseem. I wanted to call him and bawl out. I was already so upset because of whatever has been happening and this was just cherry on top. I swear upon Allah SWT that it was after AGES that I cried so much today…
I gave up. I thought at work that I won’t be writing it again. It’s probably just not for me. Everyone else in the class passed. I’m just a failure. But then my mom’s voice echoed in my ears “UTHO OR PHIR SE KARO” And I said out loud “Jee Mama” So no Mama I won’t give up just yet because that’s not what you’ve taught me. I will get up and fight with my circumstances. I will study harder this time around and pass.

Tonight is probably the worst nights of all for me to be home alone. Waseem won’t be home all night long… *sigh* I miss you bibi I’m going to try falling asleep watching Gilmore Girls tonight…

Toodlez