:(
Posted Oct 23rd, 2009 at 03:05 PM by mona_khan
No matter what happens OR no matter how often life leaves us with a slashed wrist, expectation is to clean up, put a bandage and move the heck on. Well hello there reality! Whatever it is that I go through, I HAVE to deal with it whether I like it or I don't. I have to answer the various questions that are thrown my way. With every single answer I reiterate my failures and short-comings. It is difficult. I find it sad because I haven't asked OR aimed for anything UNREALISTIC or OUTRAGEOUS. But hey, that's life!
I had a meeting with my gynecologist yesterday after 6 bloody years. I updated her on the changes I have been through. I was diagnosed with PCOS the last time I met her. She prescribed me birth-control pills till I wanted to get pregnant. I got married this year and yes I do want to get pregnant now, inshaAllah. I came off my b/c pills in December 2008 on the advice of my doctor. Gave myself a few months to regulate my cycle. Followed up with my family doctor and now to HER. She has now prescribed clomiphene treatment to me. I have studied and read up about all this and my condition enough to know about clomiphene treatments from before and it didn't come to me as a surprise when she prescribed it. I am not too greatly concerned or worried. I just…find it difficult to start something. I have I always had this thing: the most difficult part of ANYTHING for me is to START something…once I dive in, I'm okay but I just am scared to start it. I am concerned of the side-affects. I know for a fact that my chances of developing cancer (ovarian/breasts/uterus) just in general has increased in multitudes because of everything that's going on; my condition, the medicines I take for it/treatments I have been put through. I know though that there are certain things I have a control over and others I DON'T. I am going to pull up my socks from now and really watch my diet insha'Allah. It's just for my own good, for my own life and betterment. I've neglected myself SO much for the past couple of months. I am going to try and follow the treatment as best as I can and lastly but most definitely not the least is pray to Allah. I have left things to Him. I will do my part as I'm supposed to. But I'm a human being and I'm powerless. Allah ta'ala will make a way out if He wants to.
Dr. Chun (my gynecologist) provided me with drug information sheet on the medicines she's prescribing to me and she asked me to read up about it online too. I had that paper sitting on my desk all day yesterday. I periodically had a look at it and just looked away. Every time I looked at it, I couldn't help but read a few words and look away. I was in...denial. I even thought to a point of not following her instructions and not doing what she's asking me to do. When I went to bed last night, I thought about all this for a very long time. I thought of sleeping on it. I woke up this morning and felt "okay" towards it. I got ready and called Sana. I had a very brief conversation with her. I really needed some advice on it. She advised me to go for it. I felt better
Fact remains that being a woman I am sensitive to certain things in MY life and lives of others where as there are other things I can be very insensitive to myself and/or others. That's just the way I guess ALL of us work. This is certainly a very sensitive and DIFFICULT part and harsh reality of my life. I don't like talking to people about it. Period. I just don't. The only person I have or will ever talk to is a health care practitioner OR someone who has gone through it. I am trying to limit talking to people. I don't want to get a negative feedback or opinion or vibe from people right now. I really can't afford to. It will BREAK me down into a MILLION pieces.
You see I have a lot of reasons to just break down right now. I cry when I'm alone and try to get over it. It's not as easy. I will say though that in all honesty I feel that all this is not as bad as a lot of OTHER things that I have gone through. I still am holding myself together. I do laugh. I do FEEL things. I am still sane. I am trying to keep myself together. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. I lost a job that was a career and life-altering change for me. Something that was MUCH needed right now – at levels I can’t explain in words. I tried but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I lost the opportunity. Why? I didn't pass a course with was a pre-requisite for the job. I still have my old position - Alhamdulillah. My HR tells me that they will downgrade my pay. They will not retract what I already got but I well get a pay-cut. I take all of this as "Allah ki marzi hai" and walk out sar jhuka ke or haqeeqat ka samna kar ke. I'm fine. All this is MATERIALISM. This is DUNIYA. I still have my head well-above the water and I'm doing fine - Alhamdulillah. I try to find little things in this blow to perk myself up. The upside to the blow: if I were in training, I wouldn't get the 2 weeks off for shut down in December - yes I do lose pay there too but still it's not always about money. I will get some time off and I think it's much needed for me. I think that MAYBE Allah ta'ala has a better or even DIFFERENT opportunity for me and it's just a matter of discovering it. Those were the 2 things that I thought of and I am fine. I can try using little tricks to perk myself up and I know how to turn a negative situation around to a positive FOR MYSELF in a matter of seconds. I love negativity for that reason - because, essentially, it helps me bring out the positive a lot more efficiently and effectively. The sad fact remains that it does NOT always work. I have people EMAILING me asking me about things that just remind me of my downfall. It's hard to face the world. It's hard. It's a harsh harsh reality.
Part of growing up included that mama always pushed me into doing things that I thought were difficult. She didn't 'baby' us or bring us up to being 'nazuk kali' girls - both physically and mentally. We've grown up to be strong women like our mother - mashaAllah. Mama always showed us the worst. She did it in a VERY beautiful manner though. When we were young, she protected us VERY well. The transition was just SO smooth and perfect that it's UNBELIEVABLE. As we grew a bit older, she'd push us to doing things. From the time that mama let go of taking care of my HAIR (she'd brush, oil/massage, and take care of them EVERY SINGLE DAY till I was 16!) to pushing us out in the real world to face the issues. I can do all these things on my own but at times, I miss my her SO much. I wish she was there with me. I know I can't be her baby all my DARN life and that she will not always be around. I have to do things on my own and that's just the way it is whether I like it or not. Notice how if a kid is on his/her own, he's a bit 'uncertain' about things or there just is elements of lack of confidence. As soon as his/her mom comes or is around, he/she turns to a little MONSTER. Where does that come from? The mom isn't teaching the kid to become a brat. But that confidence comes because that kid knows that his/her mom is there and NO ONE CAN HURT HIM/HER CUS HIS/HER MOM IS THERE TO PROTECT HIM/HER. I just feel like I've let go of my mom. I was under her wings for 26 years of my life but now I'm just on my own. And I really am… in reality not just 'living on my own' I really am on my own…
Waseem isn't talking to me. He's upset based on the fights we've been getting into. He's going through a lot right now and is acting very childish. I understand him at a level that not a lot of people will understand him and the fact remains that I love him to death no matter WHAT happens. Some members of his family are going through some VERY harsh times right now and I know for a fact that it affects Waseem at a VERY great level. At this point in time, I just like to leave the person alone. If he wants to come around, he can and I'm right here. This morning before I left for work, I had a very strong urge to give him a quick peck on his cheek. And I would've normally done it. But the reason why I am taking longer to make things up is because I feel REALLY weak now. I feel very helpless. I don't think I have the heart to do anything of that sort. I feel that my self-defense has gone down the drain. In any other circumstances, I'd be able to get up and just go up to him and hug him and get on his back to be okay with me. I can't find the courage or the energy or the heart to do it right now. I made biryani last night and tried so that he comes and eats it with me. But he just wasn't ready. It's okay he can take his time..
I have a choice. I can turn negativity into positivity at the best of my capability by doing little things one at a time. I will try as hard and as far as I can to do things that are not going my way. That's the best I can do and pray to Allah.
Ya Allah... I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING... please please shine some light down my way...it's just getting too dark here...
I miss you a lot, dear mama...
I had a meeting with my gynecologist yesterday after 6 bloody years. I updated her on the changes I have been through. I was diagnosed with PCOS the last time I met her. She prescribed me birth-control pills till I wanted to get pregnant. I got married this year and yes I do want to get pregnant now, inshaAllah. I came off my b/c pills in December 2008 on the advice of my doctor. Gave myself a few months to regulate my cycle. Followed up with my family doctor and now to HER. She has now prescribed clomiphene treatment to me. I have studied and read up about all this and my condition enough to know about clomiphene treatments from before and it didn't come to me as a surprise when she prescribed it. I am not too greatly concerned or worried. I just…find it difficult to start something. I have I always had this thing: the most difficult part of ANYTHING for me is to START something…once I dive in, I'm okay but I just am scared to start it. I am concerned of the side-affects. I know for a fact that my chances of developing cancer (ovarian/breasts/uterus) just in general has increased in multitudes because of everything that's going on; my condition, the medicines I take for it/treatments I have been put through. I know though that there are certain things I have a control over and others I DON'T. I am going to pull up my socks from now and really watch my diet insha'Allah. It's just for my own good, for my own life and betterment. I've neglected myself SO much for the past couple of months. I am going to try and follow the treatment as best as I can and lastly but most definitely not the least is pray to Allah. I have left things to Him. I will do my part as I'm supposed to. But I'm a human being and I'm powerless. Allah ta'ala will make a way out if He wants to.
Dr. Chun (my gynecologist) provided me with drug information sheet on the medicines she's prescribing to me and she asked me to read up about it online too. I had that paper sitting on my desk all day yesterday. I periodically had a look at it and just looked away. Every time I looked at it, I couldn't help but read a few words and look away. I was in...denial. I even thought to a point of not following her instructions and not doing what she's asking me to do. When I went to bed last night, I thought about all this for a very long time. I thought of sleeping on it. I woke up this morning and felt "okay" towards it. I got ready and called Sana. I had a very brief conversation with her. I really needed some advice on it. She advised me to go for it. I felt better
Fact remains that being a woman I am sensitive to certain things in MY life and lives of others where as there are other things I can be very insensitive to myself and/or others. That's just the way I guess ALL of us work. This is certainly a very sensitive and DIFFICULT part and harsh reality of my life. I don't like talking to people about it. Period. I just don't. The only person I have or will ever talk to is a health care practitioner OR someone who has gone through it. I am trying to limit talking to people. I don't want to get a negative feedback or opinion or vibe from people right now. I really can't afford to. It will BREAK me down into a MILLION pieces.
You see I have a lot of reasons to just break down right now. I cry when I'm alone and try to get over it. It's not as easy. I will say though that in all honesty I feel that all this is not as bad as a lot of OTHER things that I have gone through. I still am holding myself together. I do laugh. I do FEEL things. I am still sane. I am trying to keep myself together. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. I lost a job that was a career and life-altering change for me. Something that was MUCH needed right now – at levels I can’t explain in words. I tried but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I lost the opportunity. Why? I didn't pass a course with was a pre-requisite for the job. I still have my old position - Alhamdulillah. My HR tells me that they will downgrade my pay. They will not retract what I already got but I well get a pay-cut. I take all of this as "Allah ki marzi hai" and walk out sar jhuka ke or haqeeqat ka samna kar ke. I'm fine. All this is MATERIALISM. This is DUNIYA. I still have my head well-above the water and I'm doing fine - Alhamdulillah. I try to find little things in this blow to perk myself up. The upside to the blow: if I were in training, I wouldn't get the 2 weeks off for shut down in December - yes I do lose pay there too but still it's not always about money. I will get some time off and I think it's much needed for me. I think that MAYBE Allah ta'ala has a better or even DIFFERENT opportunity for me and it's just a matter of discovering it. Those were the 2 things that I thought of and I am fine. I can try using little tricks to perk myself up and I know how to turn a negative situation around to a positive FOR MYSELF in a matter of seconds. I love negativity for that reason - because, essentially, it helps me bring out the positive a lot more efficiently and effectively. The sad fact remains that it does NOT always work. I have people EMAILING me asking me about things that just remind me of my downfall. It's hard to face the world. It's hard. It's a harsh harsh reality.
Part of growing up included that mama always pushed me into doing things that I thought were difficult. She didn't 'baby' us or bring us up to being 'nazuk kali' girls - both physically and mentally. We've grown up to be strong women like our mother - mashaAllah. Mama always showed us the worst. She did it in a VERY beautiful manner though. When we were young, she protected us VERY well. The transition was just SO smooth and perfect that it's UNBELIEVABLE. As we grew a bit older, she'd push us to doing things. From the time that mama let go of taking care of my HAIR (she'd brush, oil/massage, and take care of them EVERY SINGLE DAY till I was 16!) to pushing us out in the real world to face the issues. I can do all these things on my own but at times, I miss my her SO much. I wish she was there with me. I know I can't be her baby all my DARN life and that she will not always be around. I have to do things on my own and that's just the way it is whether I like it or not. Notice how if a kid is on his/her own, he's a bit 'uncertain' about things or there just is elements of lack of confidence. As soon as his/her mom comes or is around, he/she turns to a little MONSTER. Where does that come from? The mom isn't teaching the kid to become a brat. But that confidence comes because that kid knows that his/her mom is there and NO ONE CAN HURT HIM/HER CUS HIS/HER MOM IS THERE TO PROTECT HIM/HER. I just feel like I've let go of my mom. I was under her wings for 26 years of my life but now I'm just on my own. And I really am… in reality not just 'living on my own' I really am on my own…
Waseem isn't talking to me. He's upset based on the fights we've been getting into. He's going through a lot right now and is acting very childish. I understand him at a level that not a lot of people will understand him and the fact remains that I love him to death no matter WHAT happens. Some members of his family are going through some VERY harsh times right now and I know for a fact that it affects Waseem at a VERY great level. At this point in time, I just like to leave the person alone. If he wants to come around, he can and I'm right here. This morning before I left for work, I had a very strong urge to give him a quick peck on his cheek. And I would've normally done it. But the reason why I am taking longer to make things up is because I feel REALLY weak now. I feel very helpless. I don't think I have the heart to do anything of that sort. I feel that my self-defense has gone down the drain. In any other circumstances, I'd be able to get up and just go up to him and hug him and get on his back to be okay with me. I can't find the courage or the energy or the heart to do it right now. I made biryani last night and tried so that he comes and eats it with me. But he just wasn't ready. It's okay he can take his time..
I have a choice. I can turn negativity into positivity at the best of my capability by doing little things one at a time. I will try as hard and as far as I can to do things that are not going my way. That's the best I can do and pray to Allah.
Ya Allah... I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING... please please shine some light down my way...it's just getting too dark here...
I miss you a lot, dear mama...
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