Good Bye..

This quote by Richard bach is too played out eh? It's been used and abused overly and excessively. When I first came across it 8 years ago, i kinda felt the depth of it and WHAT it comprises. I got a vibe of what he was trying to imply here. I have since then VERY strongly always believed in this...

I've learnt over time that a person needs to to remain flexible in order to inject the unexpected, and yesterday would present the epitome of the unexpected...I let go of one of the most PRECIOUS people in my life. It's not the consequence of anything in PARTICULAR. It was not a "fight" we GOT into. Nor am I being adamant and basing my conclusions on unimportant factors. I realized I've unintentionally been a cause of TREMENDOUS pain to her. It's caused emotional trauma. I can’t see a person cry and ask me for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I am not a saint. I don’t want anyone to feel like a “piece of ****” because of me. I realized that even after trying as hard as I have and fighting this battle now for a year and half, I finally am coming to the conclusion that staying put is causing more pain than going away and just leaving her alone would. When I realized this, it felt I got hit by a trailer slamming into me at 150 km/hr. That moment and that thought just PARALYZED me. I just couldn't speak. I’ve caused way too much destruction here. I never wanted to do this – neither cause destruciton or come to the conclusion of one day getting up and leaving. I wanted to stick around for as long as it took for her to get out of the depression she’s going through right now. I’m no help. I can’t think so highly of myself. How can I help? I have my hands tied. In the span of the next couple of hours, I realized that I've to stop putting her through it. I just can't do it. I cried reluctantly and endlessly...at WORK...AGAIN! I was hyperventilated. I felt anxious. For a span of a MINUTE, i felt a FRACTION of my mom's pain. I tried to make sense of the situation. I tried to make sense of the mess. BUT NOTHING MADE SENSE! I came to the realization that it doesn't really HAVE to make sense.

Life is funny. It will throw these curveballs atcha. It'll try to disrupt your timings. I wish the author of this book called 'life' was more of a realist than and idealist. He just finds pure amusement in the melee of emotions and passions... 8 years of caring for me had caused her to ignore her own needs. I hope she comes to the realization that she does in fact have needs. Everyone needs to feel warmth and love. Everyone needs to feel accepted and feel the sense of belonging. Everyone NEEDS and DESERVES respect and honor. EVERYONE SHOULD feel happy and content. She was THE ONLY in this WHOLE WIDE WORLD besides my parents and my husband that I knew would love me the most, regardless of the mistakes that I've made. Someone who could accept my faults and praise my strengths and make me feel everyday that I was the best that I could be. Sadly enough, often we start to believe the needs of others as paramount to our own. Not the best approach when ultimately we ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and fulfillment. Some lessons take time to learn. I don't think that I have ever come CLOSE to the point of NOT forgiving people for the disruption that they caused in my life.

It's a selfish world. We're all a bunch of selfish fools. I do, however, think that people need to master the skills and work on the the ability to forgive themselves for not choosing to be their own first love. And love can’t be selfish…it ain’t love then. Love yourself before you reach out for the world. And…it begins right from HOME.