http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/ The largest Pakistani Bulletin board and portal en Tue, 24 Nov 2009 10:59:55 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.paklinks.com/gs/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/ http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64789-good-bye.html Tue, 03 Nov 2009 16:50:02 GMT

“If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.”

This quote by Richard bach is too played out eh? It's been used and abused overly and excessively. When I first came across it 8 years ago, i kinda felt the depth of it and WHAT it comprises. I got a vibe of what he was trying to imply here. I have since then VERY strongly always believed in this...

I've learnt over time that a person needs to to remain flexible in order to inject the unexpected, and yesterday would present the epitome of the unexpected...I let go of one of the most PRECIOUS people in my life. It's not the consequence of anything in PARTICULAR. It was not a "fight" we GOT into. Nor am I being adamant and basing my conclusions on unimportant factors. I realized I've unintentionally been a cause of TREMENDOUS pain to her. It's caused emotional trauma. I can’t see a person cry and ask me for forgiveness. I don’t deserve it. I am not a saint. I don’t want anyone to feel like a “piece of ****” because of me. I realized that even after trying as hard as I have and fighting this battle now for a year and half, I finally am coming to the conclusion that staying put is causing more pain than going away and just leaving her alone would. When I realized this, it felt I got hit by a trailer slamming into me at 150 km/hr. That moment and that thought just PARALYZED me. I just couldn't speak. I’ve caused way too much destruction here. I never wanted to do this – neither cause destruciton or come to the conclusion of one day getting up and leaving. I wanted to stick around for as long as it took for her to get out of the depression she’s going through right now. I’m no help. I can’t think so highly of myself. How can I help? I have my hands tied. In the span of the next couple of hours, I realized that I've to stop putting her through it. I just can't do it. I cried reluctantly and endlessly...at WORK...AGAIN! I was hyperventilated. I felt anxious. For a span of a MINUTE, i felt a FRACTION of my mom's pain. I tried to make sense of the situation. I tried to make sense of the mess. BUT NOTHING MADE SENSE! I came to the realization that it doesn't really HAVE to make sense.

Life is funny. It will throw these curveballs atcha. It'll try to disrupt your timings. I wish the author of this book called 'life' was more of a realist than and idealist. He just finds pure amusement in the melee of emotions and passions... 8 years of caring for me had caused her to ignore her own needs. I hope she comes to the realization that she does in fact have needs. Everyone needs to feel warmth and love. Everyone needs to feel accepted and feel the sense of belonging. Everyone NEEDS and DESERVES respect and honor. EVERYONE SHOULD feel happy and content. She was THE ONLY in this WHOLE WIDE WORLD besides my parents and my husband that I knew would love me the most, regardless of the mistakes that I've made. Someone who could accept my faults and praise my strengths and make me feel everyday that I was the best that I could be. Sadly enough, often we start to believe the needs of others as paramount to our own. Not the best approach when ultimately we ourselves are responsible for our own happiness and fulfillment. Some lessons take time to learn. I don't think that I have ever come CLOSE to the point of NOT forgiving people for the disruption that they caused in my life.

It's a selfish world. We're all a bunch of selfish fools. I do, however, think that people need to master the skills and work on the the ability to forgive themselves for not choosing to be their own first love. And love can’t be selfish…it ain’t love then. Love yourself before you reach out for the world. And…it begins right from HOME. ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64789-good-bye.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64626-a.html Sun, 01 Nov 2009 08:06:15 GMT What do you do when you spend countless hours finding the ‘perfect present’ (long over due) for your best friend’s birthday and she starts acting all weird and distant? She’s been suffering from severe depression. I find it extremely hard to deal with her but I certainly haven’t given up on her. I... What do you do when you spend countless hours finding the ‘perfect present’ (long over due) for your best friend’s birthday and she starts acting all weird and distant? She’s been suffering from severe depression. I find it extremely hard to deal with her but I certainly haven’t given up on her. I will continue being there for her as long as I possibly can. I don’t know if I should give it to her yet or just wait till ‘things get better’ and then give it to her? I don’t know…it doesn’t feel the same…

The weekend has been turning out pretty okay so far. Alhamdulillah. I spent a good chunk of my time today at the Honda dealership test driving cars. I tried 4-5 cars at least and finally came to a conclusion. I realized that even though we, as human beings, make plans, watch them get ruined or distroyed for one reason or the other but sometimes what prevails instead is much more comforting and, in essence, just better. I realize that sometimes it takes to get a few people ‘naraz’ to rectify relationships and people who are much more important than anything in the world. I realize sometimes you have to make certain choices and decisions in life that might involve risks and dangers…sometimes you gotta gamble in life…wo kehte hain na karwa ghot peena parta hai kabhi kabhi…there are uncertainties and it bothers us but you gotta TAKE the step! I do realize that I can’t keep everyone happy at all times…

*sigh*

We watched Paranormal activity tonight. It was pretty okay. I didn’t find it too scary. Waseem tried scaring me on the way back =S He’s sleeping now and all I can do is watch him sleep…RATHER HEAR him sleep cus he snores TOO loud! I’m gonna call it a night. ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64626-a.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64536-tgif.html Fri, 30 Oct 2009 21:27:52 GMT It's Friday! :-) I'm so glad that the weekend is here. I feel SO much better today. Alhamdulillah. I can BREATHE properly. I feel less anxious. I have a better out-look on things. Things changed or starting to look up? No. Not a whole lot. It's just that I've been able to talk to my husband about my deepest darkest fears...i told him what I wanted to do and what i COULDN'T do without the fear of being judged or being looked down upon. It took me A LOT of courage to say admit my short-comings and the mistakes I've made. I HONESTLY felt SO relieved... seriously... it was precious moment for me :) Alhamdulillah. I did it. Kudos to me :D

I'm working till 8. So less than 3 hours to go. I really hope the next couple of hours fly by. I'm going to quickly pick up some groceries on my way back home. I'm planning to make shepherd's pie for him tonight along with rotisserie chicken + hummus. I've chicken almost ready so that shouldn't take too long. It's just the pie that'll take up some time. I wanna clean up after that so that I am done cleaning up for the weekend and I can just laundry and focus on other things. I'm going to ask him him to take me to Lakeshore just for a walk at some point over... I just wanna relax..maybe go for a hot-stone massage.. *sigh* I'm truly and utterly tiiyyyuuurrredd :( ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64536-tgif.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64474-claaaasssssssssicc.html Fri, 30 Oct 2009 01:37:44 GMT Imli ka boota beri ka pair... imli khatti meethe bair Is jungle main HUM DO SHER **rawr** chal ghar jaldi HO GAYEE DAIR! chhyyeeaaahhh Imli ka boota beri ka pair...
imli khatti meethe bair
Is jungle main HUM DO SHER *rawr*
chal ghar jaldi HO GAYEE DAIR!

chhyyeeaaahhh ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/64474-claaaasssssssssicc.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/63932-a.html Fri, 23 Oct 2009 19:05:01 GMT No matter what happens OR no matter how often life leaves us with a slashed wrist, expectation is to clean up, put a bandage and move the heck on. Well hello there reality! Whatever it is that I go through, I HAVE to deal with it whether I like it or I don't. I have to answer the various questions that are thrown my way. With every single answer I reiterate my failures and short-comings. It is difficult. I find it sad because I haven't asked OR aimed for anything UNREALISTIC or OUTRAGEOUS. But hey, that's life!

I had a meeting with my gynecologist yesterday after 6 bloody years. I updated her on the changes I have been through. I was diagnosed with PCOS the last time I met her. She prescribed me birth-control pills till I wanted to get pregnant. I got married this year and yes I do want to get pregnant now, inshaAllah. I came off my b/c pills in December 2008 on the advice of my doctor. Gave myself a few months to regulate my cycle. Followed up with my family doctor and now to HER. She has now prescribed clomiphene treatment to me. I have studied and read up about all this and my condition enough to know about clomiphene treatments from before and it didn't come to me as a surprise when she prescribed it. I am not too greatly concerned or worried. I just…find it difficult to start something. I have I always had this thing: the most difficult part of ANYTHING for me is to START something…once I dive in, I'm okay but I just am scared to start it. I am concerned of the side-affects. I know for a fact that my chances of developing cancer (ovarian/breasts/uterus) just in general has increased in multitudes because of everything that's going on; my condition, the medicines I take for it/treatments I have been put through. I know though that there are certain things I have a control over and others I DON'T. I am going to pull up my socks from now and really watch my diet insha'Allah. It's just for my own good, for my own life and betterment. I've neglected myself SO much for the past couple of months. I am going to try and follow the treatment as best as I can and lastly but most definitely not the least is pray to Allah. I have left things to Him. I will do my part as I'm supposed to. But I'm a human being and I'm powerless. Allah ta'ala will make a way out if He wants to.

Dr. Chun (my gynecologist) provided me with drug information sheet on the medicines she's prescribing to me and she asked me to read up about it online too. I had that paper sitting on my desk all day yesterday. I periodically had a look at it and just looked away. Every time I looked at it, I couldn't help but read a few words and look away. I was in...denial. I even thought to a point of not following her instructions and not doing what she's asking me to do. When I went to bed last night, I thought about all this for a very long time. I thought of sleeping on it. I woke up this morning and felt "okay" towards it. I got ready and called Sana. I had a very brief conversation with her. I really needed some advice on it. She advised me to go for it. I felt better :)

Fact remains that being a woman I am sensitive to certain things in MY life and lives of others where as there are other things I can be very insensitive to myself and/or others. That's just the way I guess ALL of us work. This is certainly a very sensitive and DIFFICULT part and harsh reality of my life. I don't like talking to people about it. Period. I just don't. The only person I have or will ever talk to is a health care practitioner OR someone who has gone through it. I am trying to limit talking to people. I don't want to get a negative feedback or opinion or vibe from people right now. I really can't afford to. It will BREAK me down into a MILLION pieces.

You see I have a lot of reasons to just break down right now. I cry when I'm alone and try to get over it. It's not as easy. I will say though that in all honesty I feel that all this is not as bad as a lot of OTHER things that I have gone through. I still am holding myself together. I do laugh. I do FEEL things. I am still sane. I am trying to keep myself together. I keep telling myself that everything will be okay. I lost a job that was a career and life-altering change for me. Something that was MUCH needed right now – at levels I can’t explain in words. I tried but I guess I didn't try hard enough. I lost the opportunity. Why? I didn't pass a course with was a pre-requisite for the job. I still have my old position - Alhamdulillah. My HR tells me that they will downgrade my pay. They will not retract what I already got but I well get a pay-cut. I take all of this as "Allah ki marzi hai" and walk out sar jhuka ke or haqeeqat ka samna kar ke. I'm fine. All this is MATERIALISM. This is DUNIYA. I still have my head well-above the water and I'm doing fine - Alhamdulillah. I try to find little things in this blow to perk myself up. The upside to the blow: if I were in training, I wouldn't get the 2 weeks off for shut down in December - yes I do lose pay there too but still it's not always about money. I will get some time off and I think it's much needed for me. I think that MAYBE Allah ta'ala has a better or even DIFFERENT opportunity for me and it's just a matter of discovering it. Those were the 2 things that I thought of and I am fine. I can try using little tricks to perk myself up and I know how to turn a negative situation around to a positive FOR MYSELF in a matter of seconds. I love negativity for that reason - because, essentially, it helps me bring out the positive a lot more efficiently and effectively. The sad fact remains that it does NOT always work. I have people EMAILING me asking me about things that just remind me of my downfall. It's hard to face the world. It's hard. It's a harsh harsh reality.

Part of growing up included that mama always pushed me into doing things that I thought were difficult. She didn't 'baby' us or bring us up to being 'nazuk kali' girls - both physically and mentally. We've grown up to be strong women like our mother - mashaAllah. Mama always showed us the worst. She did it in a VERY beautiful manner though. When we were young, she protected us VERY well. The transition was just SO smooth and perfect that it's UNBELIEVABLE. As we grew a bit older, she'd push us to doing things. From the time that mama let go of taking care of my HAIR (she'd brush, oil/massage, and take care of them EVERY SINGLE DAY till I was 16!) to pushing us out in the real world to face the issues. I can do all these things on my own but at times, I miss my her SO much. I wish she was there with me. I know I can't be her baby all my DARN life and that she will not always be around. I have to do things on my own and that's just the way it is whether I like it or not. Notice how if a kid is on his/her own, he's a bit 'uncertain' about things or there just is elements of lack of confidence. As soon as his/her mom comes or is around, he/she turns to a little MONSTER. Where does that come from? The mom isn't teaching the kid to become a brat. But that confidence comes because that kid knows that his/her mom is there and NO ONE CAN HURT HIM/HER CUS HIS/HER MOM IS THERE TO PROTECT HIM/HER. I just feel like I've let go of my mom. I was under her wings for 26 years of my life but now I'm just on my own. And I really am… in reality not just 'living on my own' I really am on my own…

Waseem isn't talking to me. He's upset based on the fights we've been getting into. He's going through a lot right now and is acting very childish. I understand him at a level that not a lot of people will understand him and the fact remains that I love him to death no matter WHAT happens. Some members of his family are going through some VERY harsh times right now and I know for a fact that it affects Waseem at a VERY great level. At this point in time, I just like to leave the person alone. If he wants to come around, he can and I'm right here. This morning before I left for work, I had a very strong urge to give him a quick peck on his cheek. And I would've normally done it. But the reason why I am taking longer to make things up is because I feel REALLY weak now. I feel very helpless. I don't think I have the heart to do anything of that sort. I feel that my self-defense has gone down the drain. In any other circumstances, I'd be able to get up and just go up to him and hug him and get on his back to be okay with me. I can't find the courage or the energy or the heart to do it right now. I made biryani last night and tried so that he comes and eats it with me. But he just wasn't ready. It's okay he can take his time..

I have a choice. I can turn negativity into positivity at the best of my capability by doing little things one at a time. I will try as hard and as far as I can to do things that are not going my way. That's the best I can do and pray to Allah.

Ya Allah... I KNOW YOU'RE LISTENING... please please shine some light down my way...it's just getting too dark here...

I miss you a lot, dear mama... ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/63932-a.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/63682-piece-hit.html Tue, 20 Oct 2009 19:43:38 GMT You are SUCH a pain in EVERYONE'S LIFE. Do you see it now? You have hurt and caused problems with EVERY SINGLE person you’ve known in your life. I really can't think of a SINGLE person who would be happy with you. NOT EVEN A SINGLE PERSON. EVERYONE has a complaint against you. They ALL HATE you. They just can't SAY it. They’re being NICE. You are a BLOODY FAILURE! Ever since you were a BABY you've given your mom NOTHING but a tough time. In your early years you were the most DESTRUCTIVE child out of all of your siblings. In your teenage years and adolescence you were nothing but a pain for your parents. You have NEVER given them an OUNCE of happiness. You've fought with your sister and always disappointed her. You have always complained about her without realizing how MUCH she cared about you! You've made your friends’ lives HELL. What is it huh? Why? You've given ****ty attitude to everyone. With school and work you were just a bloody FAILURE. You have NOTHING. Your significant other probably HATES you. He probably wants to get RID of you. HAHA Who wants to be with a piece of **** anyway? You are SOOO truly an "AZAAB" in EVERYONE'S LIFE.

I don't get it................WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE MONA KHAN? YOU ARE NOT NEEDED HERE. DO YOU NOT GET THE HINT? GET THE **** OUT OF HERE! PEOPLE LIKE YOU NEED TO SHUT THEMSELVES UP IN A ROOM AWAY FROM EVERYONE! ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/63682-piece-hit.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/63175-a.html Thu, 15 Oct 2009 03:18:20 GMT http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1LYMyg0_-Q Nuff Said! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g1LYMyg0_-Q

Nuff Said! ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/63175-a.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/61946-simply-amazing.html Sat, 26 Sep 2009 02:06:58 GMT YouTube - "You've Got a Friend" 2009 - SandFantasy ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/61946-simply-amazing.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/61749-moments-self-reflection.html Wed, 23 Sep 2009 03:47:41 GMT To a person who is clinically depressed and is on the verge of being suicidal, watch how she gets told by people not to do anything ‘stupid’ in other words end her life because of the grief it will cause to others. Reality is that whether you commit suicide or you die a natural death, people will... To a person who is clinically depressed and is on the verge of being suicidal, watch how she gets told by people not to do anything ‘stupid’ in other words end her life because of the grief it will cause to others. Reality is that whether you commit suicide or you die a natural death, people will obviously and naturally mourn over death of a loved one. They surely will be swamped by multitudes of emotions; anger, sorrow, fear, grief - you name it - they've got it. Tears are shed at their ultimate generosity. People carry a broken heart everywhere they go. But as is the case with everything... nothing is forever and there will come a time when people will get over whatever it is that's causing them grief. In this case, it's your death. This, my friend is a bare-naked fact of life. Period.

I did find myself in a spot in life where I had to deal with alcoholics in the family. I was by myself... literally ALL alone having to deal with cops in the times when this individual tried to commit suicide and tried to fight with not only her family but the cops. When I say ‘fight’ I don’t mean petty arguments, I mean fights where she would get violent and attack the other person. Reality is, she adapted extreme measures to get away from what she was going through... she sunk into alcohol...tried running away from home... tried committing suicide. It was an endless chase. As far as I’m concerned, I was downright mad at her. I was really angry with her. I had started to develop negative feelings inside. The frustration built up outrageously. I tried everything possible in my limitations and in my reach to straighten things out and help her out. I broke down and cried in front of her. It's not a pretty seeing a 25 year old on the floor crying and begging to 'stop!' I yelled. I screamed. I pleaded in front of her. My voice pierced through my own ears. I hurt myself - nothing helped. I turned to people desperately searching for answers and for acceptance... I was turned down. I only faced further disappointment. It surprised me at a level that I was literally dumb-founded. It was disappointing coming from people that I least expected. I quietly turned around in a state of utter shock, disappointment and sulked away from everyone... I didn't utter a single word to show just HOW much it affected me. Their reaction, their response and their feedback was SO appalling that I couldn't express my feelings to anyone at all. What more could you do to me? But just for the sake of the person involved, I would fight the world. It’s because it's my mother and I love her to death. I will do and did whatever I was capable of doing to help her out. She needed me the most and there is nowhere else that I rather be than by her side. I will never abandon her no matter how much she hurts me. I spent a chunk of time being angry at her. She failed me. She disappointed me. What I’ve never admitted in front of anyone is that my mother is actually my HERO. I have never said this before but she really has been since I was a child. Her doing all this was such a shock I never recuperated from. It's like this: a coach works his life on his players and building a team. He'd specifically expect a lot from ONE player in his team who would supposedly be the BEST player in his team. For whatever reason if that player is not able to keep up with his performance, it disappoints the coach tremendously. The coach never for a MINUTE even thought that MAYBE the player is not fit anymore. He might have problems emotionally, physically or just generally doesn't want to do what he's been doing. MAYBE he's in PAIN. Every person deserves a break. Every person deserves to be HEARD. Every person deserves to be understood. And so was the case here too, I guess. I realized that I HAD to and NEED to give up on hating what she was doing regardless of what I thought. I have to stop being embarrassed about it. I've to stop being so negative. She needs a lot of love. She needs to be taken care of. She is in a LOT OF PAIN. I learnt the biggest lesson in life and that was to truly forgive and forget people for what they do no matter how much it offends you or hurts you right here. I NEVER will complain to her or let her know how I felt about her at ANY point in my life. My feelings are mine and only for me to keep and know of. Everyone can't and won’t know everything, right? I forgave her from the bottom of my life. I truly did. My perspective changed about a LOT of different things in life. I understand what she did is wrong. It is gunah-e-kabirah. It's downright wrong and unfair to her family but her family was more than unfair to her. She needed help. She really was in a LOT of pain. I'm glad and thankful to Allah ta'ala that she's doing a LOT better now. I love you, Mama. Thank you for always being my super hero. You never failed to impress me with your magical ways. I love you for giving me the most beautiful gift anyone has ever given: my life. Thank you for bearing and bringing up such a strong woman in me. I know I truly reflect YOU in that aspect. Ma, you're truly a woman of substance. You're not our typical desi aunties. You’re different…Ma thanks for not babying me too much. Thanks for kicking me in the tush in the right time at the place. Thank you for letting me fall and not sympathizing with me after my countless defeats and downfalls. Thank you for pushing me to get up. Thank you for helping me build POWER, Ma. More than anything, thank you for not bearing a WIMP or a PUSSY. I am with you and always support you no matter what happens.

Dealing with a rocky marriage is the worst. I've had an unusual case. My nikkah lasted for almost 5 years before my rukhsati was done. There were various different reasons underlying that. There were quite a few problems. People normally fight to get married to the person they love. I got married to a person my parents chose for me. I fell HARD for him and had to end up FIGHTING with the world for him. No wonder people doubt that we secretly had an 'affair' from before. One of the many things and reasons on which I laugh at people now =) I made mistakes. He made mistakes. THEY (my family) made the most appalling and horrendous blunders and mistakes of saying and doing things that they MOST certainly shouldn't have. I fought against all odds to win him back. Let's just say that I walked through nights of severe thunderstorm saving myself from several lightning bolts every few steps of my way. I made it back injured but OKAY in general, Alhamdulillah. I spent endless nights crying and praying to Allah to help me out. By this point, my usual defense mechanism kicked in and I had started pushing people away. I talked to people only because THEY wanted to talk to me not because I wanted to talk to them. He disappointed me...My FAMILY disappointed me. The only thing that I thought at the time was that if my husband and family can't think straight and if they're hell-bent on ruining my life and wrecking my marriage, then I'm not going to dig up my own grave or at least just not YET. So when I walked down the aisle on the 26th of April this year, Waseem walked down half way to get me. What I went through I won't and can't describe in words because NO WORDS WOULD DO MY FEELINGS ANY JUSTICE but the flood of text messages, emails and voicemails I had from my family and friends that very night all telling me the same thing. It said a thing or two about my situation. I had each person individually tell me that they had ‘tears in their eyes’ at that part of the ceremony. Mind you, I'm not trying to imply or show how much I'm "loved" by everyone but I'm just saying that these are people who saw me going through it FIRST hand...

You meet a wide range of people in life. People from different cultural backgrounds... people from different social settings... people from different aspects and different walks of life. I've met a few people like that too. I met one such stranger...pure and innocent...extremely loving and caring. She gave me numerous moments of joy. She's wiped my tears when I was upset. She was there around a lot, if not all, of the difficult AND happy occasions in life. I wish people would just understand that it's not always about always doing what THEY think might be right or wrong for the other person. Sometimes they should just PAUSE to actually find out what the other person wants. I am straight up about a few things in life. I’m a very private person and I cannot stand anyone invading my privacy. I have learnt to suck that up and go against my wishes and wills but sometimes I just wish that when I asked the person to do something that they’d take me seriously. When I ask you to “stop” please do STOP. I’m not just fooling around. I warned her from time to time. I tried telling her politely, rudely and in every way possible. At that point, after trying so much to explain, I gave up and made it clear that “whatever you do from now is something that YOU want to do not because I want you to do it” It was not for my happiness, it was for yours…Lately things have been getting ugly day after day. If I try to do something, I create havoc. My words, my intentions and everything is just misinterpreted. She finds meanings and puts things into perspective at an angle I wish I could understand too. If I don’t do anything or don’t respond, I’m slapped with “you don’t care” and a storm kicks in. I forgive her for she is totally unaware of the damage she has and is causing. She doesn’t even know the mistakes she’s made and I’ve already forgiven her without even having it addressed to her. She fails to understand what makes me what I am today. She fails to understand why I do what I do today. At this point in my life, I’ve developed perseverance, patience and strength that’s beyond the imagination of anyone around me. There are things she and others know of and then there are A LOT of things that these people don’t know of.
As life goes on, we are wrong others and others are wrong us. As human beings, we don’t and can’t understand one another completely. I’ve learnt to forgive and forget people and the things they do for they are human beings and we’re allowed to make mistakes. Mama would always say “Jab Allah ta’ala muaf kar deta hai to hum insaan kon hotain hain doosre insaan ko NA muaf karne walay?” I’m slowly and completely giving up the habit of complaining. I either write or talk to Waseem about it. He puts a very realistic spin on things and finishes off things in a matter of seconds. I’ve had times in my life where I’ve given up. I’ve been defeated and turned down. It made me seriously suicidal at one point in my life. A few months prior to the wedding, I had made up my mind of buying a monthly pass for greyhound and jumping on the bus to go down to different places and cities in the country. I just wanted to look at things and just think… that’s really ALL that I wanted to do. I thought of working at a different place just so that I keep myself away from people who were bringing me down and were causing me so much of pain. So what if I’ve to sweet the floor at a restaurant? I was planning to kill myself and so sweeping the floor is certainly a LOT better. I thought “hey I can kill myself another day, so I might as well give it a try and try living another way!” Suicide is a permanent problem to a temporary solution, as they say it.

I’m fine now. I’m doing much better Alhamdulillah. I’m generally happy.I’m doing what I want to do. More than anything, I’m with the man I love the most. My husband is my LIFE. I hate EVERY single hour that I spend without him. It’s time that I’ve wasted in my eyes. I know he probably doesn’t feel for me at the level that I love for him. He’s just WAY too precious to me, I know what I had to go through to be with him. I wouldn’t be where I am if it weren’t up to him. And yes as overrated as all this may sound, I’ve changed for the BETTER in a lot of ways in my life because HE has shown me the way…
Today, after a really long time and for the first time since I’ve been married, I had some old thoughts and feelings that were rekindled because of a few different reasons; I feel like I’ve lost a friend… I really did. I never said this before till now but I won’t be the same with her anymore. As of last night, she just died for me. I’m done giving her chances… I’m just done trying. I’m just done being the bad guy here. I’m done. I failed my IFC exam for the second time. I spent hours writing all this at work today. I missed my mom so much. I didn’t have the courage to tell Waseem. I wanted to call him and bawl out. I was already so upset because of whatever has been happening and this was just cherry on top. I swear upon Allah SWT that it was after AGES that I cried so much today…
I gave up. I thought at work that I won’t be writing it again. It’s probably just not for me. Everyone else in the class passed. I’m just a failure. But then my mom’s voice echoed in my ears “UTHO OR PHIR SE KARO” And I said out loud “Jee Mama” So no Mama I won’t give up just yet because that’s not what you’ve taught me. I will get up and fight with my circumstances. I will study harder this time around and pass.

Tonight is probably the worst nights of all for me to be home alone. Waseem won’t be home all night long… *sigh* I miss you bibi :( I’m going to try falling asleep watching Gilmore Girls tonight…

Toodlez ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/61749-moments-self-reflection.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/61260-pure-ramdomness.html Mon, 14 Sep 2009 05:54:06 GMT Feel crappy? Yeahhh me too! Yes ‘crappy’ is the only word that I can possibly use to state what I feel right now. You know there comes a point when you you’ve taken ‘crap’ from people left right and center and you just say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.” Stop RIGHT there. Yes, it’s happened. It... Feel crappy?

Yeahhh me too!

Yes ‘crappy’ is the only word that I can possibly use to state what I feel right now. You know there comes a point when you you’ve taken ‘crap’ from people left right and center and you just say “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.” Stop RIGHT there. Yes, it’s happened. It happens every now and then. It’s been happening for as long as I remember being a kid. Things have changed. People change. Matter of fact remains that it’s the way I perceive things now. It’s just the way I deal with things. I don’t let it get to me…really. I laugh it off. I’d think “koi baat nahi. Janay do. Hota hai…hota hai” Dust dirt off my shoulders. KABOOM! I know people hate that. They think that “I don’t care” or whatever the case might be but hey it works for me and I’m going to employ anything that works GOOD for me. It only comes with age and a handful of painful experiences and incidents. That’s all that it takes.

It was a gorgeous day today. As Baba and I exited the doors of Trilliums Hospital today, he put his arms around my shoulder and kissed my head asking me “ghar ki yaad aati hai?” I replied back saying “bohot ziada aati hai. It’s very difficult, Baba. Main abhi tak adjust nahi kar saki hoon” He very calmly replied to me “haan mujhe andaza hai beta. Bohot mushkil kaam hota hai ye.”

I see things around me that just sadden me to a point that I can NEVER ever explain to anyone in words. I don’t mean any petty issues like “I am fat” or “I broke my nail” or “no one likes/talks to me” or “no one cares.” I am looking way past the obvious. I am seeing my parents suffer day in and day out. They’re getting old and sick. I know they’re in a lot of pain right now. They’re struggling with their finances, their children and their health. They are worried sick about their families here and in Pakistan. I don’t see a very bright future here. I am sickenly concerned about Baba. I can’t help but desperately feel helpless come over me when I think of him driving for such long hours. He wants to be with his family SO badly yet he’s still kept away. He is not in the best health to be doing and going through all this. I feel extremely hurt from inside thinking about how and what my husband goes through for various things. I know there are tiny goals that he is trying to accomplish in life right now. I see his struggles. I’m trying to stand strong besides him. I know I’m a big screw-up and a big flop most of the times. But I can try and that’s the best I can do. I feel horrible about Sunny. I know we’ve all wronged him in our genuine attempts of trying to get him on track. The truth remains that no matter how much anyone tries to change another human being, change comes from WITHIN. It cannot be forced upon anyone. I truly believe in SHOWING someone the way but sometimes it becomes important to grab their hand and force them out of hell-hole. But even THAT can backfire at you. Every night that he picks me up from work, the entire ride back home from work I stumble all the way down from the top to the extreme bottom looking at him. It’s quite obvious that he’s going through a lot. That’s family for me. I feel for the ‘miskeen’ and helpless. There are some people in Pakistan who are still recovering from the aftermath of the monsoon rain. They literally don’t have roofs and are in absolutely no financial state to back their selves up. I know there are people who are dependent on Sadqah from us to put food on their tables for the rest of the year. No I am NOT making things up or neither am I sympathizing for someone or something I saw on the TV or on YouTube. I KNOW these people and my heart goes out to THEM. If you’re capable of taking care of yourself and you’ve the resources and power to do so yet you choose to ignore it in petty materialistic wants and needs – I will show NO remorse to you. And if you don’t then really, my heart goes out to you. And that's just the FRIGGIN dirty realist in me! I don’t care or think about ‘myself’ much now… really. I don’t think about people who are doing me wrong or so forth. That’s really a JOKE for me now. It’s been a WHILE since I’ve ACTUALLY taken the time to think about myself let alone voicing it. I don’t and can't react anymore. I don’t cry anymore. But the truth is that I’m a human being after all and that I can take things only to a certain degree.

I’m afraid a lot of things that my hubby tells me come true. It’s just how it’s been since day 1. I really wish he wasn’t sleeping right now. I really feel like crying. I really wish I could talk to him right now. I just couldn’t take it anymore and so I went and lay besides him while he was sleeping. I rested for a good few minutes. I couldn’t help but shed a few tears and sprung back up. He woke up and asked “Kya hoa?” I replied back saying “I feel like crap” He asked “tabiyat theek hai?” I assured him that I’m fine. I really feel for him. I know he’s in a lot of pain. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve been in a great loss in a lot of different senses. He’s really my savior.

I realize that I held on to some strings very tightly. I held a few people very close to my heart and in my life. I can’t help but sense that I shouldn’t have done it. Not only have I hurt and disappointed people around me in the process of doing so but I’ve also hurt the people who I held on to. Every relationship should have a healthy and reasonable distance for the betterment of the people involved. It’s just for their mental well-being and for the sake of having a healthy relationship. No I REALLY am NOT talking out of anger or disappointment here even if it may seem so. It’s just a matter of pure realization that it’s time to really let go…

I’ve had numerous times that I haven’t stood up for myself. I have had countless times when I don’t feel like giving explanations. I don’t feel like clarifying things. I’d always think “those who know me know me well. Those who don’t can go to hell. Allah ta’ala is my biggest witness. HE knows it. I don’t need to clarify to anyone” I grew up thinking that as a kid, as an adult…as a daughter, a sister, a friend, a wife and as a human being. You know what though? I know that might not be the best strategy and that thought itself is essentially faulty. It’s okay though. Meh. Whatever.

It’s only belief and faith that I have that keeps me alive…that keeps me strong…that keeps me going. I feel really annoyed by a lot of things at times and I wish I can slap some sense into people who are blinded by their own worldy wants and wishes. WAKE UP PEOPLE. OPEN YOUR EYES. TRY TO LOOK PAST WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE. Don't get suckered by your own pool of thoughts. But then again I don't have the right to do or say anything.
Some believe in never forgiving and forgetting where as some believe in forgiving but never forgetting. I used to believe in forgiving but never forgetting. Over time, I feel that my thoughts, feelings and beliefs are switching gears – I am starting to disagree with “forgiving and never forgetting” for the simple reason that if you can’t forget, you just haven’t forgiven. Period.

I feel like I’ve changed so MUCH in the past couple of years that it amuses me at times. No I don’t want to go back to being how I was. No I don’t plan on being something else. I’m comfortable in my skin. I don’t like complaining anymore. I cannot stand petty BS. I just can NOT. PERIOD. No ifs, ands and buts. Mind you, I complain too. I whine too. I LOVE to rant. But I normally complain and rant about very minute things. I complain and get over it. Cry me a river; build a bridge and GET OVER IT! GODDAMNIT! I really have NO tolerance for HS drama in my life anymore. I’m a 26 year old woman with a hint of maturity, immaturity, sensibility, childishness, foolishness all hidden somewhere inside me. It’s what you bring out in a person right?

I’ve set a few goals for myself for the next few months. I’m not setting any unrealistic or outrageous goals. These are things that might mean nothing to anyone but means everything to me. If Allah ta’ala makes a way for me and helps me through this, well and good. If not, then I’m just going to move on to the next chapter of my life. Having that said, I’m going to get back to studying. I can’t wait for 2 things now; Thursday when I’m going to be done writing IFIC and for my little angel Rayyan to come to this world, inshaAllah :) It gives me GOOSE bumps thinking about it. I’m going to leave a song that I’ve recently fallen in love with:

YouTube - TUNE JO NA KAHA (HQ) | FULL SONG | NEW YORK | HINDI MOVIE | JOHN KATRINA NEIL (2009) ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/61260-pure-ramdomness.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/60050-unacceptable.html Thu, 27 Aug 2009 01:28:37 GMT There are somethings that I find unacceptable. Here's one of them:

Hi! My name's Mohammad. You can call me "MOE"

No, I will NOT call you MOE. Your name is Mohammad and I will NOT call you anything else BUT Mohammad. Its despicable and disrespectful and *I* will NOT participate in doing that.

Nuff Said. ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/60050-unacceptable.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57608-happy-birthdat-oldie.html Mon, 13 Jul 2009 05:53:58 GMT You're 26 today! Happy Birthday. ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57608-happy-birthdat-oldie.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57453-sigh.html Thu, 09 Jul 2009 16:24:51 GMT People talk to you nicely when they feel like it. When they don't, they can just drive you up the wall. Well, I can't put up with a lot of the crap now only because I just don't have the patience to anymore... I'm losing my touch. I ask you a few times and that's it. It's like "going once...going twice And for a few people going thrice - DONE!" If you take forever to crack open, I won't sit and wait, buddy. I just can't. Then it's just like "Find me if you need me." Why am I so heartless? Because I've just had about ENOUGH. Life is too fast paced and you can't be crawling like a snail. You GOTTA keep up, champ! Gotta keep up!

Nuff said. ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57453-sigh.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57309-ugh.html Mon, 06 Jul 2009 16:26:08 GMT It's starting off to be a very angry and horrible day for me. I feel very cranky and have the relentlessness creeping in. I just don't know what to do or who to talk to. Who do I turn to? I, once again, feel like talking to someone who's a lot older than I am and is much more experienced in different aspects of life. I'm getting pissed off by every little thing.

I woke up feeling okay. I checked my email to find nothing from Nelly. Maybe at work? No FLIPPING NO. I hate the false hopes. I hate being clouded in fallacy. It’s a done deal. That's really out of the way. Nice hurtful fact of life to deal with for now. Not too shabby, eh? *rolls eyes* Maybe I've something better in store? Yeah... that's it. Kahin ho hi na jaye aisa.

It just feels that from there things just started going downhill. I just feel like bawling my eyes out. You know what? It's hard when you work SO extremely hard towards something. EVERYTHING in your life revolves around it. You waited and you wait and you wait for OH SO LONG! RIGHT when you think that you'll almost get some peace in life or at a substantial point after all the running around, you are told "No No No. Wait a sec kiddo! You're not done quite yet! You gotta work a LITTLE more" That 'little' ain't little, buddy! Sometimes, it just feels like nature...life...just wants too much out of you. It's consuming the best of me! WAY TOO MUCH!

I feel that there's a lot of sadness in this world. And it feels as if it's just way too much for me to handle at times...

It's noon. I'm going to shower, eat, pray and leave for work early today. I know I'm going to have a ****ty day at work because of some new changes.

This song is a healer for now: YouTube - Aakhri Alvida

:( I wish I could stand in front of the wall and just SCREAM! :( ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57309-ugh.html http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57202-a.html Fri, 03 Jul 2009 21:37:39 GMT I haven't heard from the recruiter yet :( She was supposed to decide and let me know today. I even emailed her to follow through. She just didn't get back to me. I don't have a good feeling now *sigh*

I'm getting a bit bummed out and soon enough I'll be running for chocolates.

KYA HAI? :( ]]> mona_khan http://www.paklinks.com/gs/blogs/mona_khan/57202-a.html