The Return

So, after a day of lots of headaches, I get back on the plane (after waiting at the airport for 3 hours, because my social plans for the night folded and upon wandering around on the streets of Richmond, I started and scurried back to the hotel when a homeless drunk man teetered towards me, even though he was aiming for the trash can...), and the whole plane ride back is just ... full of events.

I connected at Charlotte - I was amazed to find how "hip" it is. I mean, its the deep south. Who knew these blondies have such a sense of style??? So many hot women. And the men were ridiculously beautiful. I rushed to the Rocky Mountain factory, to get some fudge for my sister. Because the connecting flight was gonna leave in 20 minutes. And when I read that it has gelatin, I scoured the place for a cheap substitute and picked up some hot cocoa (she likes to drink that stuff in the winter).

Then I get on the connecting flight. Next to me are a yiddish couple, yapping away about what they're gonna get for Rose, who apparently is hosting them during their vacation. Something about 5 1/2 other couples being there (half? I guess there's one single person coming to their event?). Husband insisted its actually 6 couples, but wife said, no, its actually 5 1/2. Well that's what I could gather. So while they're debating whether its sufficient to get Rose a cheap bottle of wine and will she know blah blah blah wine is only 10 dollars, next to in the aisle over sits down an Arab guy. His buddy sits behind me. Both are yapping away in Arabic and LOUDLY too.

Now look.

A friggin Palestinian-Jordanian (whatever he is) just blew the heads off of a bunch of military personnel in Texas. Fox News is working its hardest to show how there were so many signs that were so obvious that he's a nut (he walks around in robes, and he has a surah painting in his home...um, every muslim has surah paintings in their home...thanks for demonizing all of us normal folks, FOX NEWS!).

So, when a news event like that happens...don't get on a plane, for Christ's sake, and start LOUDLY and OBNOXIOUSLY yapping away in Arabic. You WILL freak people out.

And so next to this Arab guy is sitting this Hispanic lolita. She has gone WHITE by now, listening to this guy.

Next comes in a really cute Southern Boy. Has his ipod earphones in and chewing his gum with steady calm determination. Catches me looking at him while he's settling down ( ).

And just about when the Yiddish woman starts yelling at her husband about some medications he's on, the Hispanic Lolita abruptly gets up (this doesn't interrupt the Arab's loud theatrical monologue), asks the Arab firmly, "excuse me", and walks with her purse 2 rows up and sits down in an empty seat. Then makes a show about trying to shove in her 2 cm X 2 cm purse into the bins above our heads. Arab by now has clearly noticed what has happened. Now I don't understand Arabic much, but I can imagine what he said to his buddy next "Look at that broad, she just moved because she doesn't want to sit next to me, because ha ha, I'm speaking in Arabic and clearly freaking her out".

Southern Boy calmly raises his head, and then tilts his head to look down at my shoe (who looks at a hot girl's shoes??), at which point, I dart my eyes away. My face is already covered with a piece of folded paper to hide my gaping mouth in reaction to the Hispanic Lolita's abrupt departure from our lunatic niche in the plane.

Lolita is clearly aggravated. As she is shoving her purse up there (I mean comon, the air hostess has already said the flight is full, and can we please store items like purses under our seats so others can store their carry-ons in overhead compartments - damn Lolita, all she cares about is herself. This is the typical Miami Lolita. Me me me. And you wonder why I want to run away from here. Greedy freaks), the Arab is content and laughing that he's freaked this lady out. I'm trying hard to hide my face, hoping no one notices I am brown.

Yiddish lady has now started shouting at her husband. He's like "Whaat, woman??" They clearly are not bothered by the Arrogant Arab.

A couple comes down to the seat where Lolita is sitting, and points out to her she has taken the wifey's seat. Lolita appologizes, gets up, and her face is flushed. Where is Lolita to go? No other empty seats can she find, and no one to help her from the Arrogant Arab.

Arrogant Arab says to his friend (and again, I am guessing this, because of his tone. I don't know any Arabic): "Look, the racist b*tch doesn't have a place to sit now, where is she gonna go? I bet she feels crunchy."

Lolita walks back, and just when I think she's going to return to her ASSIGNED SEAT, she ends up going further back to the gossiping air hostesses (who have apparently taken no notice of any of this, because they're talking about some other hostess's hot fiancee), and asks if she can be moved up to BUSINESS CLASS!!!!

So is that the trend these days? You pay for an economy seat and you end up next to an Arab, and the consolotary prize is a seat in BUSINESS CLASS???

I was like, ok, if this *tch gets moved to the business class, I'm gonna stand up, and take off my coat and show these air hostesses MY business suit, and say, look, you better move me to the business class, because I'm actually dressed for it unlike this crazy ho-bag. She had her love handles hanging out for crying out loud, and she wants to go to BUSINESS class????

Uh uh honey.

Air hostess is dumbfounded. "But there's no room in the business class, ma'am, the flight is full" (Incorrect answer crazy idiot, you should tell her she didn't PAY for a business class seat and so she needs to settle for the seat she's got).

Lolita says something else, trying to keep her escape plan private. I mean, if anyone deserves to sit with a crazy arab its the rest of us, but SHE's gotta be immune to it. SHE's gotta be the first one to get away. Someone gave her that right when she came off the boat from Cuba, and she still carries it around with her. We all OWE her. Poor Lolita. We OWE her a better existence even if she didn't pay for it or work for it.

So Lolita fails. She cannot get a business class seat.

The airhostess promises to see if she can find another seat in coach class, and then somehow gets lost and never comes back to answer Lolita.

So Lolita has to sit next to Arrogant Arab. Arrogant Arab is feeling like complete *hit right now, and actually GETS UP, says to her in his English, which the retard should have been speaking from minute one of entering the plane knowing how people can get, "Ma'am, I'm getting up, you can have the seat". He moves back to where his buddy is sitting.

I didn't understand the logistics of that, because the seats behind us were totally full. So I don't know where the fat Arab displaced himself to...and what was displaced because of the move.

I didn't turn around to look. My face was still covered with a piece of paper. The paper is white. I'm hoping people just think I'm some white girl.

Yiddish lady is complaining of the smell now. Someone let one drop. As I'm having a gas-problem because of eating CHILI at the Richmond Airport for dinner (it was the cheapest meal there), I'm even more determined to hold the gas in. This, friends, requires skill.

Southern boy now has tried to get a good look at me by turning around in this seat and pretending like he's just taking a casual look around. Ok, Southern Boy. I don't know where you picked up THAT move from, but honestly, the horny 16 year olds in Saddar use that move ALL THE TIME. Just ask me for my name already!!! I know you think I'm cute, so COMON MAN. Grow a pair.

Arab is talking loudly STILL in Arabic. Ok, really, after this fiasco, you STILL don't want to speak in English? Seriously?

Lolita is reading a magazine with an angry blush on her face. She knows we all think she's racist.

Southern boy looks at my boots again. Dude, they're nice clean boots. Why do you keep looking at them. Look at ME!!!

Yiddish couple has noticed that I'm reading alice in wonderland on my iphone. They look over. "Are you reading a BOOK on that thing?" asks the Yiddish lady. I'm like yeah. I explain to them how it all works, because they're blackberry people. So what do they know about the magic of the iphone??

Southern boy has his head tilted and listening in. Oh comon, man, its been 1 hour already into the flight. Will you PLEASE talk to me?? Look, I'm looking at you and SMILING?? That's not a hard code to crack!

Anyway, the flight ended. Arab got off complaining to his friend in ARabic about how crazy Miami people are, and I internally agreed with him. Lolita rushed to get her things from the overhead compartments - all crap that she should have stored under her seat but instead was taking up room for an extra carry-on...but no, she has rights that the rest of us don't have. We owe HER. She has no obligation to us.

Yiddish lady had complained about fart bombs like 20x as about 20 fart bombs did go off. Yours truly was not responsible for one, but I can imagine, the Yiddish couple suspected I was as my face was screwed in concentration trying to keep the gas IN. Very unnatural, really. My body yelled at me all the way home for it.

Southern Boy did not ask me out.

It was 1 am when I got home. I fell asleep drooling amply on my pillow. I probably laid off another 30 fart bombs. Thank God Yiddish couple didn't have to deal with it.