Dealing with Death

It never had been easy for me, espacially if it's one of my dear n near one. I just don't know how to react or what to say or what to think even. Just a feeling of numbness surrounds me and then it seems like a part of me has also died. The worst part is that I don't even cry no matter how big is the loss.

I was in office today doing my regular work when I received the call from my brother's number in saudia. He was asking about bhai jaan's where abouts and I said k m not sure may be he went for jumma prayers that's why he's not picking up the phone. Then my brother said to me "Baajjo Pakistan mayn Dada Abba ka Intiqaal haugaya hay, Papa ki tabeeat buhat kharaab hay, bhai kau trace kar kay forun papa say baat karwao taa kay wauh unhayn tassali day sakayn" and the line dropped,and I just sat there without any emotion or feeling inside drawing lines on the gantt chart and trying to reach my brother. After 1/2 an hour I finally got hold of him and forwarded the message which he received with a loud "NAAhiiii, kaisay, kab" and finally "Inalilah-e-wa-inna-Ilihe-Rajayoon". Bhai Jaan is lucky he's not insensitive like me.
I finished my work at the regular time n took the subway back home. While sitting in the subway an elder man came an sat beside me. He resembled so much like my dada, the same fair colour, gray eyes, straight posture, authority figure and the same softness on face. I kept looking at him and then flash backs passed by. As a kid I remembered dada abba never came home empty handed, he always brought some thing for us kids whether it was some fruits or candies or even sum kishmish k daanay and then he use to distribute it evenly in all the gathered around kids.
I remembered how he used to say "Aray nahi kehtay, Aji kehtay hayn" he's the one who had put the word "Hum" in our mouths. And oopar say unki khatarnaak dhamkiyan "Plas say pasli nikal loonga agar aainda aisi harkat ki tau", phew man i still remember i used to get frightened in my sleep just by the rememberance of those threats. I had never seen a gentleman like him in my entire life. Duniya idhar ki udhar haujayay un kay rakh rakhao mayn kabhi farq nahi aaya. Chahay president bhi un say milnay kyun na aaya hau wauh jab tak properly dress up nahi haujatay thay bahar nahi nikaltay.

I got so indulged in the flash backs k didn't even noticed my station passing by, when I realized it was already late so I got out and started walking towards home. Then I remebered dada abba's walks in our balcony. He use to stroll in our balcony waiting for us until every one of us reaches home safe. During the stroll in the morning he used to put food stuff for the little chiriyaz around. Our home used to be filled with all those chirp chirp noises of the unwanted chiriyaz which used to annoy us alot. Hey I also rememberd once dada Abba had a phadda with the kawas who used to sit in the nariyal tree. The tree was just in front of his room, ab dada abba jab kamray say bahar nikaltay those kaway used to "kaw kaw" shru shru mayn tau dada abba used to ignore them lekin phir baat baad mayn yahan tak puhanch gayi k daunaun parties mayn baqaida mushaira haunay laga. Dada Abba kamray say bahar nikaltay hi kawoan kau sunana shru kardaitay n kaway un k har sawal ka proper job daitay.
Finally I reached my home, did wazoo, prayed some niffal for his soul and recited Quran. Then I called my dad up on his cell and when I heard his voice i was lost of words. I never had been good with condolences, It seems so hard to find the proper sentences which can sympathize the other. I just asked him to take care of himself coz he's a heart patient himself. He told me k the funeral will take place tomorrow as my chachu n his family are coming in from dubai. May be it was the bad line or some thing else but dad's voice seemed so broken, and I felt so bad for myself. How can I be so rude and emotionless. Every body has been so effected by the incident wile I am just doing every thing as I use 2 do every day. Mum told me that dad and the other family was with dada on his death bed and dada remembered every one individually including me and bhai jaan who are in U.S, faisal who's in Saudia n Jimmy who's in U.K. He didn't forget any one just like when we were kids and he used to distribute the goodies evenly in every one even saving the hissa of those who were not present. I even had a brief talk with dadi maan but mostly i just said Yes, Ahaan,aap apna khayal rakhiye ga dadi maan and that's all.
After putting down the phone I again forced my self to be a little emotional if atleast not cry but nothing happened. It only seems like that I have an emptiness inside. I know death is certain, I know every one of us will face it one day then what's all the fuss about. I remembered my last meet with my dada when I was coming to U.S. He ruined my hairdo by passing his hand over my head and said "Bait itni duur tumhayn bhaij tau rahayn hayn lekin tum apna khayal rakhna". I think he didn't followed his own advise much. May Allah mian grant his soul rest and peace for the life afterwards.
I know I hvn't been a good grand daughter but I am going to miss his candies,his threats to take out the pasli by a plair, his frowning on the roti not being narm, the twinking in his eyes when ever he use to receive us on the airport, his fruitless efforts to keep us speaking urdu and his smile that use to tell us k ab dada abba ka mood accha hay, aap un say chaand sitaray bhi maang lau gay tau mil jayain gay