If your own family treat you like some kind of leper, some kind of outcast, then it's just openeing the doors and welcoming the sme from outsiders.....

Ya Allah give me the sabr to deal with this ongoing pain...Ya Allah bless me with a child I can call myown, bles all those without children with children to love......
Ya Allah, I know my pain and suffering isn't what some people in this world are going through, but Ya Allah whn you compare it tothe life you have given me so far,...

Had an amazing time....
Everything was just perfect....

Except that there's loads been taken from our luggage on the return trip
Not impressed!!

The actual time that we spent there was just perfect though...did so much in the time that we were there...just wish that we could have spent more time with the family....

First day back at work today - it's a struggle as we only got back yesterday lunchtime....
I need to sleep....

I'm so excited!!

We booked our flights last night...

Insha allah we leave for the US on 18th April - 2 weeks today!!!

New York forst...then onto LA!

We really need a holiday....

All the NY guppies - please let me have hints/tips/places to eat etc........

Got so much to do before we go - pressies to buy for the family, pakcing to do...cleaning to do....

But this is the new me - carefree.....
I'm...

BLEURGH................................

From the moment I woke up today, I felt uneasy, I can't settle and everything is getting to me.
Today I feel lonelier than ever.................even with both hubby and mum here............

I am in pain but I can't bring it into words....and there is nobody who can empathise with me. Nobody knows how I am feeling.....

Maybe that's my problem or maybe half of it at least....that I have too many feelings......I...

Well, I didn't - not really.............
I did better than I expected but a lot worse than I have in previous years since it all happened............

New Years Eve...during the day I was alright.....as evening drew closer and closer, I was dreading my reaction.......
New Years Eve is when it all started for me in 2001..............................

In past years we have alwasy ahd a get together of some sort with the extended family....usually at our house....

I'm dreading the next few days like I have every year....but this year somehow more.....

You see on New Years night (well early hours of 2nd Jane) 2002......I miscarried my first little baby......
AND....if that's not enough......
My second baby's due date was given as 1st Jan 2003......

Yah Allah.....mujhe sabr doh aur yeh humara akhree akelah new year hoh........Insha allah.

Please all you guys who are reading..remember me and all those others...

Haven't posted for months, but today I am dying to document something......

Last night I couldn't sleep and if I can't sleep then no way am I letting anyone else either - bachpan seh meri yeh aadat hai

Anyway, so I lie there and try to have a conversation with hubby...he says he's listening...yeh right....then he just goes "Tum yeh joh chabbar chabbar bacho jaiseh bolti ho...bohot acha lagta hai....I love you"
So that got me starting a whole new conversation........

Weird at the moment.

Don't ask why and don't ask how - it's just really weird.

I don't know what I am feeling from one moment to the next.....and it's not necessarily in a bad way..........

I don't even think there's a need to worry, but it's just weird.

Add to that the fact that life is going by very very very fast and I am like in a spin........

Today is really weird too......
I am feeling neither happy nor sad, neither...

Well, on Friday morning I got a call from my husband to say that he had been involved in a car accident on the way to work.............

I was at work, and had called him 10 minutes earlier but he didn't answer - now I know why...he was in the ambulance.

Turns out some idiot who wasn't concentrating whilst approaching a roundabout - where hubby was stopped waiting for a gap in the traffic - smashed into him from behind at around 35-40mph!

It was just hubby...

Plans all going to pot....

1)My sister's hubby is in india at the moment and 4 weeks ago ordered my eid clothes....
Went to pick them up Tuesday as they had promised and they tell him they are not ready - that's after he went in there on Saturday and they promised delivery Tuesday.....!!!!!!!!!
So I now have to sew 3 suits instead of the one I was planning to...........!! I got one made today and just cut another one...which means one to go.
2) Feels like...

I need to lose weight so badly.
Seriously, I am back into Size 18 trousers and it's really starting to get to me.

Weight Watches was good, I lost most weeks, but then it's hard fitting time in to attend class and it's no point (and way too expensive) to just go get weighed and go home.

I need help losing weight.
I am at the stage where I am feeling uncomfortable in everyday actions and I don't like it.

I mentioned it to the homeopath...

Hubby took me to Blackburn today to buy some fabric....his idea for a change...
Ended up buying 3 gorgeous suits......

Got home and got busy with the iftari preps...
Just sat down to open and plan how I will sew them...and guess what....

One of the heavier suits has a huge stain on the inside.....not so much a stain but almost like the colour ran or something....
Hubby said to check if I can work round it - but there's no chance!
...

I keep meaning to, but I am just sooooooo busy!

So, ramzan started and alham du lillah it's going well so far. Fasted Monday to Thursday last week then was pleasantly surprised that my cycles ma'sha allah have become regualr as clockwork, so no rozeh for me from Friday last week!

I am working 7am til 2pm right now and am off every few days! Really enjoying having all that time before iftari to be creative.

Talking of which, I have also resumed my most favourite...

HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well that's it....
Mother In Law left on Sunday and my mummy left this morning...so now it's just the two of us again - after 6 months!

It's going to take a while to go back to normal......

I do feel sad that MIL has gone home...but at the same time I think the timing was right...she was getting homesick and I think a bit frustrated at being so dependant on us.....

I don't think she could have stayed for 12 months....

Ma'sha allah she...