my lost love
Posted Nov 1st, 2007 at 12:36 PM by yanzala
I have changed a lot and I don't know if I like that change or not but I am certainly not comfortable with it.
8 years ago when I moved to USA I was sure that I wanted to move back to Pakistan, for years that was the goal of my. It was my dream. I made so many plans, I thought about every possibility of going back to Pakistan and living there. I didn't want to marry someone here in USA I thought that the only way I can go back to Pakistan is to marry with someone who live in Pakistan. But that didn't work out. Because who in his correct state of mind would marry a girl who have a US citizenship and not move to America with her. At that time it was very devastating and heart breaking for me to cope with that reality, I remember when I was returning to America in 2003 after a brief visit to Pakistan, we were flying over Islamabad when I looked down the window to see the last few minutes of my beloved land. It was few minutes after the takeoff the airplane was very close to the ground and that's why I was able to see the land. it was very early morning probably right after fajr, when I looked down I saw a long road and some kind of the light I think it was a car on that long road and that time, my heart ached to the thought that I am leaving this country and god knows when I will return. I prayed to ALLAHTALA at that time "ay ALLAH agar mairay haq mai acha hai iss mulk mai rehna tou koi aisa rasta ho kay mai wahan reh sakon, or agar mairay haq mai acha nahi hai tou mairay dill say yeh sooch nikaal dain".
I don't know that if it was that dua which changed me or maybe I just grew out of my immature thoughts (*I don't think they were immature thoughts but at least this is what everyone tired to made me believe).
What made me realize that change was some people's comments on my self. for example, this summer I didn't go to Pakistan with rest of my family because I was working, and taking summer classes, when one of my aunt ask me that if I am ok and not terribly sad that I didn't get to go to Pakistan, I said "yes I am fine, I am not as sad because I have a lot of responsibilities now, and I would have been more upset I had gone to Pakistan leaving my work and classes behind" my aunt responded with surprise that "now you sound like a mature person" and after she said that I realized what I had said. just few years ago, going to Pakistan in summer used to be the reason of my existence (ok, this is a bit exaggerated but u get the point) and now I am saying that I am not missing it as much because there is more in to my life!
I wasn't comfortable with that idea, I wanted Pakistan to stay at the top priority in my life for ever and I felt like I am betraying.
then again few days ago I was every more surprised to my own response when a guy from my biology class asked me if I would like to go back to my country and live there and my prompt response was "I am not sure now, things have changes a lot since the time I moved to usa, I would love to go there but I am not sure I will be able adjust" right after I said that I realized what I had said and I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. I was the person who loved up to that extent that people use to tell me that they have never met anyone so patriotic before. And now I AM the one not sure about the idea of moving back to Pakistan.
I have been feeling really bad ever since, like I have betrayed my love of my country.
8 years ago when I moved to USA I was sure that I wanted to move back to Pakistan, for years that was the goal of my. It was my dream. I made so many plans, I thought about every possibility of going back to Pakistan and living there. I didn't want to marry someone here in USA I thought that the only way I can go back to Pakistan is to marry with someone who live in Pakistan. But that didn't work out. Because who in his correct state of mind would marry a girl who have a US citizenship and not move to America with her. At that time it was very devastating and heart breaking for me to cope with that reality, I remember when I was returning to America in 2003 after a brief visit to Pakistan, we were flying over Islamabad when I looked down the window to see the last few minutes of my beloved land. It was few minutes after the takeoff the airplane was very close to the ground and that's why I was able to see the land. it was very early morning probably right after fajr, when I looked down I saw a long road and some kind of the light I think it was a car on that long road and that time, my heart ached to the thought that I am leaving this country and god knows when I will return. I prayed to ALLAHTALA at that time "ay ALLAH agar mairay haq mai acha hai iss mulk mai rehna tou koi aisa rasta ho kay mai wahan reh sakon, or agar mairay haq mai acha nahi hai tou mairay dill say yeh sooch nikaal dain".
I don't know that if it was that dua which changed me or maybe I just grew out of my immature thoughts (*I don't think they were immature thoughts but at least this is what everyone tired to made me believe).
What made me realize that change was some people's comments on my self. for example, this summer I didn't go to Pakistan with rest of my family because I was working, and taking summer classes, when one of my aunt ask me that if I am ok and not terribly sad that I didn't get to go to Pakistan, I said "yes I am fine, I am not as sad because I have a lot of responsibilities now, and I would have been more upset I had gone to Pakistan leaving my work and classes behind" my aunt responded with surprise that "now you sound like a mature person" and after she said that I realized what I had said. just few years ago, going to Pakistan in summer used to be the reason of my existence (ok, this is a bit exaggerated but u get the point) and now I am saying that I am not missing it as much because there is more in to my life!
I wasn't comfortable with that idea, I wanted Pakistan to stay at the top priority in my life for ever and I felt like I am betraying.
then again few days ago I was every more surprised to my own response when a guy from my biology class asked me if I would like to go back to my country and live there and my prompt response was "I am not sure now, things have changes a lot since the time I moved to usa, I would love to go there but I am not sure I will be able adjust" right after I said that I realized what I had said and I couldn't believe those words came out of my mouth. I was the person who loved up to that extent that people use to tell me that they have never met anyone so patriotic before. And now I AM the one not sure about the idea of moving back to Pakistan.
I have been feeling really bad ever since, like I have betrayed my love of my country.
Total Comments 5
Comments
-
Concern about adjustment in Pakistan has nothing to do with your love for the country
Unfortunate circumstances in Pakistan took the society to the level where fitting in may not be very easy
Be easy on yourself and find a guy, right here. The one who loves Pakistan as muchPosted Nov 1st, 2007 at 06:26 PM by TLK
-
thanks for the comment,
i think i gave up the struggle of moving back to Pakistan, and maybe i am so used to that compromise that it is how my mind think now, but i still feel that old love of pakistan in my heart maybe that's why i wrote that blogPosted Nov 1st, 2007 at 11:25 PM by yanzala
-
Been in toronto nine years, have a very similar story to yours. Only difference is i havent entirely lost hope
You know after you graduate you can always go back and give life in Pakistan a second chance. Security concerns aside, life still won't be the same though. You won't have the same friends, the few you knew back then have all now moved on with their lives. You will be faced with much more responsibilities living there as in adult.Posted Nov 2nd, 2007 at 05:31 PM by Cheegum
-
i can't go to pakistan and live there alone after graduation.
security concern aside, i never had any problem adjesting in pakisatn even when i go to visit, we usualy stay there for 2 months in summer in karachi. i never have any problem using karachi's public transportation in hot summer afternoon even when i can't live withought an airconditioned car in usa. loadshading doesn't bother me anymore then an avarage paksiatn who live there. maybe because when i go to pakisatn keep all those things in my mind, i expect pakistan to be pakisatn not a mini americaPosted Nov 3rd, 2007 at 06:26 PM by yanzala
-
Your entry reminds me of how I still say if I could I would move back in a heart beat.Thats my emotional side...and still is after almost 11 years
Posted Jan 15th, 2008 at 10:06 AM by Ask99
gupshup
unplugged
society
arts & cul
features
services
