Pareezay

This is a very common problem that I have seen in recent times, especially among some friends. Alot of my friends are very, VERY picky and do not like anyone else picking out their clothes. So when a few of them got engaged or are getting engaged, the mother in laws as per tradition are getting their outfits made and some of them are not even asking about the color or the style that the bride would prefer. Engagement is a huge deal especially if it's done on a large scale so any bride would want to look really pretty. The question is, how do you get it across to your mother in law that you would rather get your dress made yourself? Or "I am really picky and I don't like anyone else picking out my clothes" without sounding rude?

Sara516

Whatever approach you take, just be ready for them to feel VERY offended and to put a damper on things, even for a little while. Basically what you'll be saying to them is: "I don't like your taste" and i don't think most ppl appreciate that....or at least try to choose ur battles, if u can't pick out ur outfits, then try to choose ur wedding/valima dress... cz at least if u get ugly barri clothes, u dont have to wear them

mizzrani

erm allmy clothes and my valima lengha ws picked out by my mother in law and all of it was amazing . sometimes maybe dese gurls shud js trust their in laws. bt if u knw from the beginning that their taste is bad then yeh u shud interfere. u cn usually figure this out by the clothes they themselves wear n deyre duaghters.

in my case i i saw all this n trusted them n mashallah eeverythinmg thy gave is beautifull.

Sara516

^ and some find out too late

ARE YOU EVER GOING TO POST UR PICS!!

Pareezay

haha, i guess girls can get away with the bari dresses cuz they don't really have to wear them. once you're married, i think that's where the clothes/jewelry drama ends. when i first met my mom in law, she asked me something about a shalwar kamiz i was wearing that she liked, and i generally told her that i am very picky and i don't usually like anyone else shopping for me. i think that sort of got the point across because now, she usually asks my fiance, ask her what color and design she wants or does she wanna go shopping herself so she can pick out the clothes? alot of my friends haven't been able to be straight up with their mils though, and i don't know what to tell them.

Sara516

actually sometimes u never know u jst mightlike something, even if its something u wudn't've picked out on ur own, it could be pretty nice..

Brit Chick

My in laws picked out all my wedding clothes too and I didn't have a problem with any of the outfits. Although they did ask for my input a lot so they did get to guage what kinda stuff i do and don't like.

somegroovychick

i was just having this convo with my mom the other day... i sent her a pic of this gharara that i liked and she was like, yeah when your bro gets married, im going to make this for his wife. i was like, no you wont, you're going to give her the money and ask her to make something SHE likes/wants. mom was like wtf, i think not, shaadi kay joray come from dulha hamesha, and i was like, mom, that happened way back when... what if she has her own dreams for her wedding dress? imagine if my MIL had pushed me to wear a white gown on my wedding day? you know how unhappy i would have been with that.

she got my point but she kept insisting so finally i was like, is it your shaadi or hers? cos frankly ma, you had your day and you wore what you were given. now shes the bride, she has her own hopes/desires/ideas, she can make her own clothes. i love my mom but she's got to be less rigid about this or i can see issues, especially since my bro's g/f has completely different taste in clothes from ours and my mom thinks the things she wears are quite paindu

so many of my friends have had that done- their inlaws give them money and they go off and plan their trousseau's and wedding dresses.

i think a good compromise is to obviously choose things for jaheyz, and then maybe to give a second-day valima gharara or a mehendi outfit or something so that the MIL feels like she's been heard, and the DIL doesn't feel like she's got no say and she's got to wear what is being given. and then the bride also gets to choose things for her bari, so its half and half.

teelobhain

I just hope my inlaws just give me the money to get my suit(s) myself if their choice is different from mine or at least ask me before getting anything.

CorruptAngel

it's a sensitive issue....you can't risk your relationship with inlaws just coz of your wedding dresses.

Pareezay

You're gonna be a great nand. I don't have any nands, only two devars, but if I had such an understanding sis in law as well then woohoo.

asimaan

i think a nice compromise on the wedding dresses is when ppl go shopping w/ their inlaws-- that way both mil, mom, bride and groom to be can find something they all like, and its always nice to have a second or third opinion and everyone feels like they were part of the process
as far as bari goes, let ur mil have her day too, ur going to pick out the dresses for jehaj anyway

amelie

In my family my grand father changed it to shadi ka garara/sharara is from the bride's side- b/c she should wear what her parents bought her when she leaves her parents home...the walima is from the guy's side.

Mehnaz

The shadi jora was from my parents, but we asked my in-laws to get it made cause they just have a better selection in Pakistan than what we would have gotten in Canada. They had my input the entire time, but being in a different country, I couldn't really do much to assist them in their choice.

So, my MIL selected and designed all 3 of my outfits, mendhi, shadi and walima. I sent pics of what I liked and I was obviously nervous, but once I saw them, I actually started crying cause they were sooooooooooooooooooo beautiful. They were nothing like the photos, but a million times better!! I knew what they had chosen for me, but didn't have any photos, pics or anything. I only saw them once I got to Pakistan.

I just lucked out!

SaadiaB

Mehnaz, can we see some pics?

somegroovychick

i dunno about this... usually if you're in an arranged situation and don't know your MIL very well, the whole thing about budget and taste could really be an issue when all of you go shopping together haha :P and i agree about the bari and jaheyz thing.

Afro-Sheen

Yeah perhaps you can casually mention/hint about your taste/color preferences...etc so the in-laws get the hint. Maybe you can ask your mom to talk to MIL in a nice way so that maybe you can go shopping with them, or at least give them a few pics of what you like so they have an idea. And I am sure it'll be nice, these days most of the bazaars/shops at least in Lahore's main stores have latest fashion/trend...and if she knows ur color/design preference i am sure it will work out ok. I got to give input for my walima outfit, as my in laws are in pak....i wanted something light so that i can at least wear it again. My SIL was shooting for something heavier but finally agreed & i really liked my walima outfit. In any case, as for the other suits, if your MIL did send you something you dont like, I would still just wear it for a day just to make her happy. After all I am sure she made it with love.

I remember my MIL sent me this outfit...totally not the colors I would wear. I was annoyed at 1st but I realizes in her mind she was trying her best to get my sumthing she thought id like. I didn't want to offend her, so I wore it anyways. You can't imagine how excited she was when she photos of me wearing it....and she kinda realized how eww it was but appreciated me still wearing it......

Afro-Sheen

but wedding dress is different its your day, u wanna look good...so i would have a talk in a nice way. by the way are you cool with your fiancee. I would say the girl talk to her fiancee and let him know about preference, maybe he can get his mom to take her shopping for dress so they know her likes.

bisoux

burn the ugly barri clothes ......jp
i wonder if my nands will think like grooveychick.......meh i know that my sister in laws valima dress was ugly and it was picked out by her in laws without her knowing and my MIL was like they should've at least picked a nice color.... i'm hoping she can recall her experience so that i can pick my own

Ira

I had my nikah done a few months before the rukhsati/valima. My MIL bought my nikah outfit and it was soooo beautiful, that i cried, like Mehnaz The mehendi jora i wasnt too crazy about because i wished they had asked abt the color i wanted but i realise that they did their best to buy the best outfit they could. The valima outfit was also chosen by them since i was in the US and them in Pak and thier is just better choices out there. THe valima outfit was in ferozi and magenta. I love ferozi but would have never bought this combo myself but oncfe i wore it, everyone commented on how different it looked from the usual brides (it was a pishwaz). THey also brought me two pairs of jewellery sets and shoes to choose from and i appreciated that.

I think what helped a bit was that they asked my husband about input (they asked me as well but not as much) and he knew what i liked so he could convey it to them in his own words. I think inlaws take it better when it comes from their son as compared to the DIL.