MaxximBoy

Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You will find a strangely heavy small gold ring today, embedded in the center of an obviously volcanic rock. There is some writing, in a script unlike any you've ever seen, running around the ring, although you can't really see it unless you heat it up in a fire...

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
It's about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You'll need one of those new Martha Stewart "Kitchen Shovels", I'm afraid. The good news is, you'll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook "Recipes For Disaster" (the sequel to "Another Fine Mess").

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will spend another day surrounded by idiots, or perhaps by well meaning but simple folks, who will drone on and on until your smile becomes forced, and you will begin to look like a deranged rodent.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Dorothy Parker once said "if you can't say anything nice, come sit next to me". Today that will be strangely relevant to your own situation.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You feel like you're slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

Libra (September 22 - October 22)
Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Good day to sip tea. Remember to extend your pinkie!

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you'd forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Those spiders are growing larger around your house, and it's becoming more of a challenge to escape. You may want to consider acquiring a flame thrower. (Hint: illicit nuclear dump nearby.)

Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
You will have a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup for lunch, and will receive a phone call from a man named "Sven", but who tells you his name is something else. Don't believe him for a second. He will be very impressed that you knew his actual name.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.