No matter how hard you try not to have kids but if Allah has written in your qismat you will get it and if not then you cannot get what is not destined for you by Allah swt.My MIL is a gyn/obs..when she used to practice back in India then one lady got her tubal ligation done ie.permanent form of female sterilization done..and even after that she had 4 or 5 kids..SubhanAllah.And another woman got her D&C done...even after that her baby survived and she found it out after a month or two that shes still pregnant.
That's why Allah does not depend upon his creation for anything rather the entire creation depends upon Allah swt.
No Sara it’s nothing like that. I adore my sibling’s kids but I don’t know when it comes to having my own biological one, the idea never attracts me enough. I believe that kids are a huge responsibility and you have to prepare to accept this. One should not have kids just out of custom or whatever. At least at this point of life I think we are no way ready to have this responsibility. Our priorities are very different and they do not fit a kid for next 7or 8 years atleast.
Thanks for your comments SGC but when they are constantly asking you the same question over and over again and refuse to accept your reasoning then it is very difficult to not get all aggitated.
Numb, you are right to stand your ground and I know how hard it is to endure the comments, suggestions and opinions of those who are NOT ASKED to give them!!! They are JUST the worst!!! Rise above it and do whats right for YOU and your hubby. The persuit of happiness is your personal right. As for those who dont understand, skrewem!!! Looking back at all of the condescending "advice" that I received without asking for it...it seems that its exactly those people who are the most unhappy with their OWN lives. If you get really annoyed with the free advice, you might be able to find a way to point that out - that its usually the people who are unhappiest with their own lives that cannot understand why you conduct your life differently - that might shut them up. Not for long I'm sure. But maybe enough to give you a little break.
Either way though, just try to let it roll off your back, no worries. Just keep on the way that is best for you.
I'm going through much the same now. My husband and I have been married for three years. In the first year, people would tease us lightly about kids. Now it's like an intense and urgent questioning. From close family as well as people I hardly speak to.
I love kids. I'm a teacher. I love working with kids, playing with them, observing them, even occasionally taking care of them. When I have a choice, I almost always prefer being in the kids room than the adults room. My husband is a big kid himself, and adores playing with children. We want to have kids...eventually.
When I first got married, I thought, okay a couple years to get used to life together, and then we'll start trying for kids. The 24yo me definitely assumed I'd have kids by now. But the thing is that the 27yo me still sees it as a part of her future, not her present. For the past few years, I've felt I'm too self-centered, too focused on me own needs, desires, ambitions, to really give enough and take care of a child. My care of plants and pets is half-assed. And although I would certainly take better care of a child, I do feel that the above is indicative of the fact that I'm just not mentally and emotionally ready to make the kinds of sacrifices motherhood requires. Or at least I wasn't ready in the past few years.
Recently I had a big Eid party and my chachi pointed to my baby cousin I was holding and she was like, "All these parties and work are not as important as this." And I just didn't say anything. It's not that I disagree, but it frustrates me that people (desis in particular) dismiss everything else a woman does as being trivial. Motherhood is very important, but maybe I have more to offer the world than raising and nurturing a few children. What if I don't want kids? What if I can't have kids? Does that mean that my life is worthless?
And sometimes I wonder if all these aunties putting the pressure on me are doing it because the same pressure was put on them, and the narrow-minded understanding of what it means to be a successful woman is then being imposed back on me. You chose to raise a family first. You chose to give up your career opportunities in favor of raising children. And now you're in your forties trying to take board exams and graduate courses to catch up. You may be working hard and frustrated with the choices you made. You may be regretting how much you have forgotten. You may be excited to start a new career. Why do you want me to fit into the same mold?
It worries me too because this same chachi also told me that one weekend her kids went to stay with a relative for the weekend. Within a few hours, she and her husband didn't know what to do with themselves and she was asking her husband to go and get the kids. I asked why they didn't go do something together, and she was like, oh we don't have that kind of relationship.
I don't even know what I'm ranting about here, except that I don't understand why these women who have invested all of their lives in their children, are faced with the children growing up and becoming independent, are frustrated and lost because they don't know what to do with themselves -- why do these same women insist that everyone else make the same lifestyle choices?
And why is it that I can't play with my little cousins, my nieces, nephews, friends kids without those sympathetic concerned looks?
Am I considering having kids now because I am beginning to feel ready? Or because I have been successfully pressured into it? Do I feel ready because I'm supposed to? Or because I am? Am I thinking too much about it?
Motherhood, raising children and all the responsibilities that come with it isn't for all. Some choose to delay taking up that responsibiliy and some choose not to. That's all that needs to be said.
All these uncles and aunties need to leave the couple alone, especially when it comes to immensely personal choices such as kids, etc. Aren't there SO many things to worry about as it is? How these people find out the time to be so concerned about something that's none of their business amuses me.
why do these same women insist that everyone else make the same lifestyle choices?
its a way to validate their own lifestyle i'd say.
it continues to boggle me why people feel the need to question others regarding issues that are none of their damn business and VERY private...when will you get married, who you will get married to, when will you have kids?, how many kids you will have, what you prefer to eat etc etc. as if what i ate gives THEM constipation.
i do not understand the business with giving you the sympathetic looks. its really disrespectful in my opinion and if someone did that to me i would honestly not attend such gatherings. SO many of my cousins do not attend our family gatherings because of the presence of certain aunties that always nag them about the issue of getting married. ZERO social skills and manners. and these are the adults we're supposed to turn into if they can have their way? ...no thanks!!
"No woman is required to build the world by destroying herself"
I hate those sympathetic looks!!! And then they not even sympathetci. They give you that look and soon as they turn around they b*tch about you...oh did you see her how she was playing with other peoples babies? cant have her own...blah blah
First you get the looks when you still not married...then when you not yet had your first kid...then when you not had your second one!!!Grrrr!!! It never stops. I think some people are just paid to give those looks...
I swear, if the husbands ever just once said something..i think these looks and stuff would just stop ASAP! And they (the talkers) know this, so thats why (well I dont think) men ever get bothered about these Qs directly, the aunties will never say to them "oh tell ur wife to quit school and start having boys. (not even kdis but BOYS!)"... blahblahblah. My cousni, who got married a month after me, just had a boy a few months ago, and when my aunts heard abt it they were like "tumhari cousin ne kar liya, abh tum kiyun nahi karti" as if we're in a competition and i'm losing? lol..whatever. And like when they ask you can't even say "Allah ki marzi" b/c they'll assume you CANT have a kid, and hence all the sympathetic, "hawww hayeeees"....and GOD FORBID you even HINT at the fact that you're actually planning on when to have them...toba toba....
Lol its really nto so bad for me right now...but i shudder to think what lies ahead
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sahar02
I'm going through much the same now. My husband and I have been married for three years. In the first year, people would tease us lightly about kids. Now it's like an intense and urgent questioning. From close family as well as people I hardly speak to.
I love kids. I'm a teacher. I love working with kids, playing with them, observing them, even occasionally taking care of them. When I have a choice, I almost always prefer being in the kids room than the adults room. My husband is a big kid himself, and adores playing with children. We want to have kids...eventually.
When I first got married, I thought, okay a couple years to get used to life together, and then we'll start trying for kids. The 24yo me definitely assumed I'd have kids by now. But the thing is that the 27yo me still sees it as a part of her future, not her present. For the past few years, I've felt I'm too self-centered, too focused on me own needs, desires, ambitions, to really give enough and take care of a child. My care of plants and pets is half-assed. And although I would certainly take better care of a child, I do feel that the above is indicative of the fact that I'm just not mentally and emotionally ready to make the kinds of sacrifices motherhood requires. Or at least I wasn't ready in the past few years.
Recently I had a big Eid party and my chachi pointed to my baby cousin I was holding and she was like, "All these parties and work are not as important as this." And I just didn't say anything. It's not that I disagree, but it frustrates me that people (desis in particular) dismiss everything else a woman does as being trivial. Motherhood is very important, but maybe I have more to offer the world than raising and nurturing a few children. What if I don't want kids? What if I can't have kids? Does that mean that my life is worthless?
And sometimes I wonder if all these aunties putting the pressure on me are doing it because the same pressure was put on them, and the narrow-minded understanding of what it means to be a successful woman is then being imposed back on me. You chose to raise a family first. You chose to give up your career opportunities in favor of raising children. And now you're in your forties trying to take board exams and graduate courses to catch up. You may be working hard and frustrated with the choices you made. You may be regretting how much you have forgotten. You may be excited to start a new career. Why do you want me to fit into the same mold?
It worries me too because this same chachi also told me that one weekend her kids went to stay with a relative for the weekend. Within a few hours, she and her husband didn't know what to do with themselves and she was asking her husband to go and get the kids. I asked why they didn't go do something together, and she was like, oh we don't have that kind of relationship.
I don't even know what I'm ranting about here, except that I don't understand why these women who have invested all of their lives in their children, are faced with the children growing up and becoming independent, are frustrated and lost because they don't know what to do with themselves -- why do these same women insist that everyone else make the same lifestyle choices?
And why is it that I can't play with my little cousins, my nieces, nephews, friends kids without those sympathetic concerned looks?
Am I considering having kids now because I am beginning to feel ready? Or because I have been successfully pressured into it? Do I feel ready because I'm supposed to? Or because I am? Am I thinking too much about it?
why do you care so much about what people think? you've made up your mind and you have no regrets, so why should anyone else have regrets on your behalf? its not their place, regardless of if they're parents or parents in law.
people will always find something or the other to gossip/complain/advise you about... if you have a kid, it'll be when you're having a second one. once you have a second one, they'll say time for a third. when you do have a third, they'll say oh! haven't heard of family planning, have you? if you adopt, they'll gossip even more. if you have a boy, they'll want a girl. if you have a girl, they'll think a boy would have been better. i mean, theres no end to this... so let it go.
you're a grownup, you've made a rational decision that fits your lifestyle and your choices, and when you're ready for a kid, IF you're ever ready, you'll have one. and if not, then thats fine too.
enjoy your life and stop worrying so much about their opinions, its honestly going to do nothing but cause you aggravation.
and remember, the more you defend yourself, the more they know they're getting to you, and the more they'll talk.
next time someone asks you, tell them you haven't decided yet, but when you have, they'll be one of the first to know. then politely change the topic and ask them about their kids.
SGC has pretty much summed up everything I was about to say.
Bebo, You shouldn't care about what others say. As long as you and your hubby has a good understanding on this matter, I don't think it matters what other talk about. Be strong and just ignore them. People are meant to talk/gossip/complain/interfere in other people's personal stuff so they will continue to talk.... you just ignore and move on.
Last edited by ghazal kisi ke; Mar 10th, 2008 at 11:17 PM.
I'm going through much the same now. My husband and I have been married for three years. In the first year, people would tease us lightly about kids. Now it's like an intense and urgent questioning. From close family as well as people I hardly speak to.
I love kids. I'm a teacher. I love working with kids, playing with them, observing them, even occasionally taking care of them. When I have a choice, I almost always prefer being in the kids room than the adults room. My husband is a big kid himself, and adores playing with children. We want to have kids...eventually.
When I first got married, I thought, okay a couple years to get used to life together, and then we'll start trying for kids. The 24yo me definitely assumed I'd have kids by now. But the thing is that the 27yo me still sees it as a part of her future, not her present. For the past few years, I've felt I'm too self-centered, too focused on me own needs, desires, ambitions, to really give enough and take care of a child. My care of plants and pets is half-assed. And although I would certainly take better care of a child, I do feel that the above is indicative of the fact that I'm just not mentally and emotionally ready to make the kinds of sacrifices motherhood requires. Or at least I wasn't ready in the past few years.
Recently I had a big Eid party and my chachi pointed to my baby cousin I was holding and she was like, "All these parties and work are not as important as this." And I just didn't say anything. It's not that I disagree, but it frustrates me that people (desis in particular) dismiss everything else a woman does as being trivial. Motherhood is very important, but maybe I have more to offer the world than raising and nurturing a few children. What if I don't want kids? What if I can't have kids? Does that mean that my life is worthless?
And sometimes I wonder if all these aunties putting the pressure on me are doing it because the same pressure was put on them, and the narrow-minded understanding of what it means to be a successful woman is then being imposed back on me. You chose to raise a family first. You chose to give up your career opportunities in favor of raising children. And now you're in your forties trying to take board exams and graduate courses to catch up. You may be working hard and frustrated with the choices you made. You may be regretting how much you have forgotten. You may be excited to start a new career. Why do you want me to fit into the same mold?
It worries me too because this same chachi also told me that one weekend her kids went to stay with a relative for the weekend. Within a few hours, she and her husband didn't know what to do with themselves and she was asking her husband to go and get the kids. I asked why they didn't go do something together, and she was like, oh we don't have that kind of relationship.
I don't even know what I'm ranting about here, except that I don't understand why these women who have invested all of their lives in their children, are faced with the children growing up and becoming independent, are frustrated and lost because they don't know what to do with themselves -- why do these same women insist that everyone else make the same lifestyle choices?
And why is it that I can't play with my little cousins, my nieces, nephews, friends kids without those sympathetic concerned looks?
Am I considering having kids now because I am beginning to feel ready? Or because I have been successfully pressured into it? Do I feel ready because I'm supposed to? Or because I am? Am I thinking too much about it?
Ahh I am sorry to see...another intellegent soul who is capable of contributing alot to the world being presserized in typical desi style to have kids.As if only by having kids a woman can be worthy of respect and admiration. I am right with you on the issue facing the same sympathatic looks and annoying questions. I can not be rude or disrespectful to my elders but it really frustrate me when this very private aspect of my life becomes their fav topic of discussion. Just looking at the responses in this thread you would get the feeling the it is not only the generation thing...many have attempted sarcasm here.
Anyways I hope you and others like us who are facing this delimma find the strenght in loving realtionship with their patners.
There is SUCH a diference between well-meaning relatives and friends and those who are just mean.
There are those who are SO happy being a mom that they want you to know the happiness and fulfillment that they have been blessed with since having their children. They will not pressure you but will try to show you how very much it has brought sunshine to their lives.
THEN there are the aunties and their cronies who think that children are a "punishment" that you have somehow escaped and MUST be brought to justice. lol!!! They are the ones who I have much fun with since I SO love being a mom.
Do whats right for you and as for the rest of them, let it go.
Yeah, my mother is well-meaning and so when she pressures me, I sometimes have to remind her I am not a baby factory, and so she has backed off.
I think my MIL is afraid to ask me for risk of feeling like she is pressuring me, so instead sends my SIL to investigate. I give vague answers.
As for the "punishment" thing, I do feel that there is a certain degree of guilt associated with being a happily married couple and engaging in "carnal delights." People feel they have an excuse for such behavior if they are also having kids.
Bebo, I sooooo understand where you are coming from.
See, I only had a simple nikkah, no mehndi, no rukhsati and no walima and people keep on questioning me about it every time I step outside of the house…..it's made not only my life but my mum's life a misery. She doesn't go to khutams or any Islamic Darse anymore because people always taunt her and ask her why she didn't have a wedding for me. I don't like going shopping or weddings even the mosque during Ramadan because people keep asking me why I didn't have a wedding.
Last week I was out and I met one of the aunties' daughter's who is only a couple of years older than me and she said "oh well never mind you can wear you lengha to your sister in -law's wedding" (my husband's brother is getting married next month). I felt really really hurt and I still can't forget that comment. It was a mutual decision between my husband and I that we would not have a big wedding, instead we would have a simple nikkah and buy a big house, we thought it made sense especially as I'm not into the whole organising a wedding thing and nor is my husband.
Some people look at me and my mum as though I have run away from home and am living in sin. Some aunties have even said to my mum that even though I have had my nikkah I am not married until the big wedding/rukhsati. Many people in my community deny that I am married and think I'm living with my bf even though I invited all my friends to my nikkah, my family, my husbands family and relatives. And the hafiz saab who read my nikkah is the most well known and most popular Hafiz in the whole of East London. Most of the aunties have even seen my nikkah album with everyone's photo and the nikkah video!
I also have my nikkah nama to prove it. Should I photocopy it and post it through every letter box in London?
they never leave u alone.
