[quote=Sparrow;5713404]Bebo, I sooooo understand where you are coming from.
See, I only had a simple nikkah, no mehndi, no rukhsati and no walima and people keep on questioning me about it every time I step outside of the house…..it's made not only my life but my mum's life a misery. She doesn't go to khutams or any Islamic Darse anymore because people always taunt her and ask her why she didn't have a wedding for me. I don't like going shopping or weddings even the mosque during Ramadan because people keep asking me why I didn't have a wedding.
Last week I was out and I met one of the aunties' daughter's who is only a couple of years older than me and she said "oh well never mind you can wear you lengha to your sister in -law's wedding" (my husband's brother is getting married next month). I felt really really hurt and I still can't forget that comment. It was a mutual decision between my husband and I that we would not have a big wedding, instead we would have a simple nikkah and buy a big house, we thought it made sense especially as I'm not into the whole organising a wedding thing and nor is my husband.
Some people look at me and my mum as though I have run away from home and am living in sin. Some aunties have even said to my mum that even though I have had my nikkah I am not married until the big wedding/rukhsati. Many people in my community deny that I am married and think I'm living with my bf even though I invited all my friends to my nikkah, my family, my husbands family and relatives. And the hafiz saab who read my nikkah is the most well known and most popular Hafiz in the whole of East London. Most of the aunties have even seen my nikkah album with everyone's photo and the nikkah video!
I also have my nikkah nama to prove it. Should I photocopy it and post it through every letter box in London?[/quote]
That's probably the only way our jahil community would be satisfied!
I felt like doing the same with my medical records when people were speculating about my fertility/health after several miscarriages! I was fed up trying to tell people that they can't find anything wrong with either me or hubby! People just couldn't get get a hang of the whole "unexplained" thing...........Then came all the theories of black magic etc.
Think of your situation this way - these aunties are just sour that they lost out on being able to eat a good wedding meal and a good gossip session!!!! (You know the usual at all the ceremonies - the group of aunties sat talking about whose daughter was wearing what, whose daughter was on her mobile/texting so it must be a boy etc etc!!)
What do these people want if they don't wanna have kids? Are you happy being and living in this world? What are the responsibilities in a motherhood you will not be able to handle? gettin' no sleep because your child cries, your mother couldn't sleep, too. She was there for you. You don't like to change your baby's pamper? When you were born they didn't even have pampers you can throw away annd use a new one, they had to wash it over and over again...
When you hold your siblings childrens, don't you sometimes think I want to have my own baby in the hands as well? I come to the conclusion, that people wo don't wanna have kids, hate kids, they fear that they won't have the realtionship with their hubby/whife they had before the kids were born...
Don't your parents want to become parents again and take care of your childrens...have some good time, laugh and smile with their grandchildrens while you're out to spend some quality time with your hubby/whife...
career important hain yaan family? in the end it's up to you...
^ The accusatory attitude in your post is exactly the kind of narrow-minded thinking that frustrates and scares people who are not comfortable with the idea of becoming parents.
you people only complain about us narrow-minded people...what are u then? narrow-minded is your thinking! you really scare me...on the one side you complain and on the other side u ppl don't tell why becoming parents scares you...
yeah, I know your parents were narrow-minded and wanted to have kids like you who now want to stop the narrow-minded thinking of our culture/elders...
becoming parents is the greatest things in life, lekin tum jaise logon ko kiya patta, ulta fault humara hai kedete ho tum jaise log, yeh narrow-minded soch orat ki hi ho sakti hai, marrad ki naheen...
the attitude in your post before is exactly the kind of narrow-minded thinking that frustrates and scares people who want to become parents, but read this kinda BS and now think their whole life if they can face the responsilbilities coming with the baby, if hubby/whife can still enjoy their life with the childrens...
Numb, the thing is that its a very personal choice - how many kids to have, whether to have them at all. Something that is between husband and wife and should remain only between them. It isnt for anyone else to interfere with or judge anyone else's choices in this regard.
I agree that children are the greatest joy in life. But there are some who would not agree and that's ok. Everyone on the planet has the right to persue their own happiness in their own way.
Why will they not agree? mujhe bass yeh batado, then I will shut my mouth...
what kinda reason is that "I don't wanna have kids, because I don't wanna have kids"?
Aggr tum logon ki ismeyn khushi hai, to meyn kon hota hoon aapki khushi ko kamm karne waala? don't think of me like that...and no I'm not narrow-minded, just waitin' for the answer...
There could be any number of reasons why a couple chooses to remain childless....perhaps they enjoy each other's company and the freedom to pcik up and go out whenever and wherever they want. They find fulfillment in their careers and each other and see children as a burden that would take away the things they enjoy most in life. Its like trying to convince a hard-core chocolate lover that vanilla is actually the better flavor (a shallow comparison but pretty apt). Anyway, I have heard of couples who preferred to be childless but gave in to pressures and went on to start families....they are not happy people. Not everyone finds fulfillment in parenthood. It is a blessing IMHO but its not for everyone. And when we people interfere with the desires of others, inevitably it will do nothing but cause pain and heartache for all concerned. Live and let live, yeah?
you people only complain about us narrow-minded people...what are u then? narrow-minded is your thinking! you really scare me...on the one side you complain and on the other side u ppl don't tell why becoming parents scares you...
I'm sorry if a couple who decides to do what's best for THEM scares you buddy.
Most people aren't making accusations and judgments against other people who opt for a different path in life. Whereas you're doing hte exact same thing.
Quote:
yeah, I know your parents were narrow-minded and wanted to have kids like you who now want to stop the narrow-minded thinking of our culture/elders...
Uh. NO.
Quote:
becoming parents is the greatest things in life, lekin tum jaise logon ko kiya patta, ulta fault humara hai kedete ho tum jaise log, yeh narrow-minded soch orat ki hi ho sakti hai, marrad ki naheen...
Sure, but is it for everyone? Only that person knows if it's for them or not. It's better to think 1000 times to have a kid than to just have em just to shut people up, or its what people expect, or my favorite excuse, it will bring the couple closer together. IMO, the ones who do do this are sadly lacking in good judgment and minds of hteir own...so i wonder how good parents they can be right?
Quote:
the attitude in your post before is exactly the kind of narrow-minded thinking that frustrates and scares people who want to become parents, but read this kinda BS and now think their whole life if they can face the responsilbilities coming with the baby, if hubby/whife can still enjoy their life with the childrens...
Not really. There's more attitude in your two posts than there is in the entire thread. I could understand your response if it was the Existential thread but if you read the thread again, nobody is looking odwn on people who do have children. All of us love and respect our mothers but maybe some of us feel like we won't do a good enough job as our moms did and are scared. Anyways, a person's reasons for not wanting kids is really none of your business. Nobody here is against having kids, the only thing we're against is when aunties like you come at them wielding the judgmental narrowminded ax
To Bebo: I am a guy and although people have already said what I wanted to say, but I would still add one more opinion. Don't take the pressure. Let them talk, let them say whatever they are saying. Do what you and your hubby think is the best. If you have no kids, people will ask you to have a kid, when you have 1 kid, they will ask you about the 2nd child. When you have a 2nd child, they won't be happy with the pair (boy & girl, girl & girl, or boy & boy), if they are happy with the pair, they will find something else.
To other girls: This July we'll be married for 2 years. My wife had to finish school first and that's why we do not have a baby yet. Aunties wanted her to "screw" school and start making babies. Since girls work differently than guys, she would take the pressure and be upset at their comments, but never say anything to those aunties at their faces. Since I am a guy, I like to solve problems. I just can't be hearing the same thing again and again. My family did not pressure me. Mom asked me once and I told her we'll have kids when it's the right time. She then started telling me how her friends ask her when she'll be a grandma. I don't know if her friends really said that or mom was desperate for a grand baby, I asked her not to convey her friends' message to me in future and she hasn't done so since then.
I know most of you girls won't do this, but the solution is to basically tell those aunties not to be concerned about you. They had a chance to make this decision when it was their time to have babies. They made their decision (whether right or wrong). This is YOUR time to make a decision and no one has the right to tell you what/when to do anything. Sure they'll be upset, but it'll make you happy...........well, it made ME happy when I told relatives that we have other priorities and we'll have a baby when it's the right time for us.
...I know that which you do not know. (Quran - 1:30)......Which then of the bounties of your Lord will you deny?...(Quran - 55:13)...
I'm sorry if a couple who decides to do what's best for THEM scares you buddy.
Most people aren't making accusations and judgments against other people who opt for a different path in life. Whereas you're doing hte exact same thing.
Uh. NO.
Sure, but is it for everyone? Only that person knows if it's for them or not. It's better to think 1000 times to have a kid than to just have em just to shut people up, or its what people expect, or my favorite excuse, it will bring the couple closer together. IMO, the ones who do do this are sadly lacking in good judgment and minds of hteir own...so i wonder how good parents they can be right?
Not really. There's more attitude in your two posts than there is in the entire thread. I could understand your response if it was the Existential thread but if you read the thread again, nobody is looking odwn on people who do have children. All of us love and respect our mothers but maybe some of us feel like we won't do a good enough job as our moms did and are scared. Anyways, a person's reasons for not wanting kids is really none of your business. Nobody here is against having kids, the only thing we're against is when aunties like you come at them wielding the judgmental narrowminded ax
I'm not a Aunty if you still don't know what I'am...reading all the comments I have to say that u ppl are narrow-minded...it saddens me when someone thinks that kids are a burden...show me one post where I'm accusing anyone of you...show me one post of mine where I'm judging about you all...
aapni narrow-minded soch ko defend karne ke liye insaan bot bahaane doonda...mamaof3 sums it up...kids are a burden...
^ I know you're not an aunty, but you're definitely acting like one. Any way, i stand by what I said.
What part of "its none of your business" do you not get? Yeh batao, ke how are THEIR decisions affecting YOU?
If by narrow-minded, you mean we don't like people who like to butt in to matters that are none of their business whatsoever, then yes, i am proud to be narrow minded.
You live your life the way you feel you should, and let others worry about that.
And you know what, so what if someone views having and raising children as a burden that htey themselves cannot handle, why does that get you all hot and bothered? If they think they can't take on such huge responsibilities, how does that affect you?
Last edited by Sara516; Mar 16th, 2008 at 05:25 PM.
you people only complain about us narrow-minded people...what are u then? narrow-minded is your thinking! you really scare me...on the one side you complain and on the other side u ppl don't tell why becoming parents scares you...
yeah, I know your parents were narrow-minded and wanted to have kids like you who now want to stop the narrow-minded thinking of our culture/elders...
becoming parents is the greatest things in life, lekin tum jaise logon ko kiya patta, ulta fault humara hai kedete ho tum jaise log, yeh narrow-minded soch orat ki hi ho sakti hai, marrad ki naheen...
the attitude in your post before is exactly the kind of narrow-minded thinking that frustrates and scares people who want to become parents, but read this kinda BS and now think their whole life if they can face the responsilbilities coming with the baby, if hubby/whife can still enjoy their life with the childrens...
have a good day...this thread is a joke...
The kinds of questions you're asking suggest that you clearly haven't read most of the posts in this thread where people are sharing their thoughts. So, until you show some sort of understanding, I will not bother with it.
Shiks -- I have said stuff like that too my mother. But everyone else? Then you get labeled some rude "chalak" girl.
how me one post where I'm accusing anyone of you...show me one post of mine where I'm judging about you all...
.
The below should answer the above question.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Numb
I come to the conclusion, that people wo don't wanna have kids, hate kids, they fear that they won't have the realtionship with their hubby/whife they had before the kids were born...
tum ortein to sir kaja tee ho, naheen HUM saheen hain...what kinda aunty are you talkin' about? your best friends mother who likes to chit chat everywhere and is on the phone 24/7 spreading the rumors or is it your puppo, khala, chachi or whatever...
If it would be my puppo, khala, chachi asking me that once in awhile I'd say it'll happen when I want, but being absolutely against childrens, that is what I don't understand...yeah mankind is hard to understand...just looking always forward to only satisfy our own ego...ego...ego...
I think you're not the only generation who were bothered by their aunties, but they never minded...ek kaan se sunna, dusre se nikal diya...lekin aaj kall ki generation to modren hai naa...harr baat pe jawaab dena zaroori samaji hain, yaan Internet meyn aake roti hai...
why don't you give your aunties a straight answer...if you're not comfortable with the idea of having kids why don't you say we don't plan kids in our life, why do you look for excuses or come to GS and complain about those aunties?why?why?why?
what comes around goes around, I tell ya...
It's your biz, take care of it, I'm outta this subforum and never ever comeback...GS ka LS dekh kar, darr lagra hai mujhe...
lajawaab log aisa hi jawaab deh sakte hain you drama director
jawaab do naaaa! why do u come to GS and complain about these aunties instead of giving them a STRAIGHT answer...Director Saiba, yeh Drama aap please band kardeyn...thank you...tum log jaano or tum logon ka ego...go and talk to a wall if you need a change in your life or talk to the aunties...
^ You must be one of those aunties they were talking about, LOL!
Why does it bother you if someone does not want to have children, or chooses to wait longer than "normal" to do so? Better to do that than to have children that are ignored or worse.
one little thing to add,
you are 25 years old married decided not to have kids.
You grow 35 and have kids.
To me you decided to take away 10 best years of you life from you child. 25 when you have more energy, Your kid could have enjoy lot more.
You = some one or any one not like you =you.
ﺃﷲ ﻧﯣﺮ ﺇﺴﻣﺇﯣﺇﺕ ﯣﺇﻠﺄﺮﺾ"The fastest way to succeed is to double your failure rate." -- Thomas J. Watson
Why can't people here just realize that it is a PERSONAL CHOICE, period. Is someone hitting you hard on the head for WANTING to have kids? Similarly, if someone wishes the opposite of that, why can't people just respect that? You don't know them, you do not know their exact reasons for not wanting a baby, you don't know anything- yet, you show up here with your silly aunty type comments for god knows what purpose. All this girl asked was why people are so concerned with her personal life and why can they not shut up. Stay away if you cannot help her, there's no need to harp around nonsense stuff that is not even relevant to the thread. You want to have kids, GO have them and stay happy with them. Either respect or leave other people alone who do not have the same choices in life.
^ You must be one of those aunties they were talking about, LOL!
Why does it bother you if someone does not want to have children, or chooses to wait longer than "normal" to do so? Better to do that than to have children that are ignored or worse.
and you must be one of those frustrated women who decides to cry out her pain in the Internet - where you can get no advise for that situation - instead of giving those aunties the STRAIGHT answer...get a life...
I think we should close this topic now...it leads to nothing! for all those who feel attacked, hurt or whatever, I'm sorry...that was not my intention...do what you think is the best for you, but please do not look back when you're old and alone or when you're too old for your child...
but if you read the thread again, nobody is looking odwn on people who do have children. All of us love and respect our mothers but maybe some of us feel like we won't do a good enough job as our moms did and are scared. Anyways, a person's reasons for not wanting kids is really none of your business. Nobody here is against having kids, the only thing we're against is when aunties like you come at them wielding the judgmental narrowminded ax 
