Hi guys,
I recently came back from Pakistan and it was fun but the eternal question of “Bachay” haunted me through out my stay of 25 days. You see I have been married for five years and at this point of our lives we do not want kids. It is a mutual decision and this was how I always imagined my married life. My friends and family used to say that you are crazy because a girl should have kids soon after marriage but I always disagreed. All of them have one or two kids by now and they now think that I am making a big mistake. But at least I can argue with my friends or family but when it comes to in-laws and further in-law family I can’t argue. And their first impression automatically is assuming that we are unable to conceive so they some times give me dua to read or ask me to consult some famous gynecologist. If I tell them that we are not planning to have kids they never buy it. And I am sick of the rumors that we can’t have kids. It was so uncomfortable to even hold and kiss a baby in the family without having to see the pity in people’s eyes.
The thing which worries me is further down the road if I ever want a kid it would be my preference to adopt one but again you know even if I mention this option in my in-laws it would be like conforming their doubts. People in Pakistan typically think that who in their right mind will adopt if they are able to have a biological child.
What do you guys think of this situation? It is awkward to start a thread on this topic but hey I might get some good suggestions to deal with it.
Yes in desi community nobody will buy your stance about not having kids with your own free will.
You have made a decision and have your own logic just tell everybody the same logic and keep on dealing with the issue as you have been. You will never be able to convince them that you and hubby do not have any 'defect' . Even if you get a doctors certificate and hang it in your living room in full public view for your fertility desi people will say ' paisay day kay khareeda ho ga.'
This argument can only be taken care of by having at least one baby of your own.
I am a man with a plan. A plan to live a simple , fulfilling life.
And for the love of God i hope this isn't another Existentialist here!
Not wanting kids, perfectly fine, but calling mothers and children worthless and brainless and thinking urself too high and mighty and smart to change a bloody diaper is NOT fine!
why do you care so much about what people think? you've made up your mind and you have no regrets, so why should anyone else have regrets on your behalf? its not their place, regardless of if they're parents or parents in law.
people will always find something or the other to gossip/complain/advise you about... if you have a kid, it'll be when you're having a second one. once you have a second one, they'll say time for a third. when you do have a third, they'll say oh! haven't heard of family planning, have you? if you adopt, they'll gossip even more. if you have a boy, they'll want a girl. if you have a girl, they'll think a boy would have been better. i mean, theres no end to this... so let it go.
you're a grownup, you've made a rational decision that fits your lifestyle and your choices, and when you're ready for a kid, IF you're ever ready, you'll have one. and if not, then thats fine too.
enjoy your life and stop worrying so much about their opinions, its honestly going to do nothing but cause you aggravation.
and remember, the more you defend yourself, the more they know they're getting to you, and the more they'll talk.
next time someone asks you, tell them you haven't decided yet, but when you have, they'll be one of the first to know. then politely change the topic and ask them about their kids.
"Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't." Margaret Thatcher
No Sara it’s nothing like that. I adore my sibling’s kids but I don’t know when it comes to having my own biological one, the idea never attracts me enough. I believe that kids are a huge responsibility and you have to prepare to accept this. One should not have kids just out of custom or whatever. At least at this point of life I think we are no way ready to have this responsibility. Our priorities are very different and they do not fit a kid for next 7or 8 years atleast.
Thanks for your comments SGC but when they are constantly asking you the same question over and over again and refuse to accept your reasoning then it is very difficult to not get all aggitated.
Same here, i love my nephews, but i see how my friends wiht kids and my bhabh is and how my mom was and i have tremendous respect for what they do and wat they have to deal with on a daily basis.....i dont know if i can ever even do that much and it scares me......but yet i still want 1 in the future, maybe its b/c whats expected of me or what.....
Thanks for your comments SGC but when they are constantly asking you the same question over and over again and refuse to accept your reasoning then it is very difficult to not get all aggitated.
i totally understand but what im saying is getting aggravated will only get your blood pressure up, you know? its a difficult situation for sure especially in pakistan where people seem to lack a certain sense of tact in these things.
It is all your choice and I agree with some of the comments that if you are an adult you donot have to prove to anyone or try to give reasons for your choice.If someone is blunt , just smile and leave or let them deal with their imagination. I have personally seen some instances that really infuriated me to the point that I had to get up and leave the party. A friend of mine was having female problems...(not related to fertility ) and she had put a hold on having a second one..and in this party there were some women that were discussing her fertility as its a hot topic of discussion...I still remember that this one girl said that dsnt she just tell us that she cant have kids instead of saying that they r waiting...How patethic was this...I walked out after that.Right now this friend has 2 kids,,I really would like to see what the same people have o say...acting as friends...two faced ...I never told her though
Only as high as I reach can I grow,Only as far as I seek can I go,Only as deep as I look can I see,
[quote=Mirch;5694380]You have made a decision and have your own logic just tell everybody the same logic and keep on dealing with the issue as you have been. You will never be able to convince them that you and hubby do not have any 'defect' . quote]
Ladies , ladies if you are reading between the lines then please read this line in my post.
I am not saying her to go for a baby to shut everybody up. But as I see it that is the only way short of being rude and telling everybody off by saying that it is nobody's business. But she cannot do that either as our cultural , moral and relational values will not allow that.
I am 100 percent in favor of planned parenthood. I practice it myself. There was a 3 year planned gap between my first and second kid and 5 years planned gap between second and third. We went for a third kid because my wife wanted a girl and Allah blessed us with a very pretty princess. That is all we could handle.
Take your time and have a child when you feel you are ready for it. It's best to wait until you are ready to mother/father a child because to deprive a child of proper guidance/devotion/attention/love is like neglecting a soul that depends on you. Thus very very wrong.
There's no compulsion. People that urge to have a child asap would not benefit from your having a child, so you do not need to worry about them. Just be yourself. As long as you and your spouse are unanimous on the decision, that's all that matters.
☼Quod Me Nutrit Me Destruit☼
☼Appear as you are, Be as you appear.☼ (Rumi)
People will never be content with whatever you do - unfortunately that's just apne people for you.
As soon as they know you don't have kids - in my case because of multiple miscarriages, they start discussing your fertility and trying to conceive, openly and in public.
Having children is a huge responsibility and unfortunately not EVERYONE who has them is capable of looking after them - hence the orphanages, kids taken into care etc. You are making a responsible (personal) decision but our community doesn't think like that, and often dismisses it as you being influenced by goreh culture.
There's nothing I can say that will help, because the questions will be constant. Just do sabr, and explain each time why you don't have kids. BUT please never be tempted to lie and sya that you can't have them.
Hi guys,
I recently came back from Pakistan and it was fun but the eternal question of “Bachay” haunted me through out my stay of 25 days. You see I have been married for five years and at this point of our lives we do not want kids. It is a mutual decision and this was how I always imagined my married life. My friends and family used to say that you are crazy because a girl should have kids soon after marriage but I always disagreed. All of them have one or two kids by now and they now think that I am making a big mistake. But at least I can argue with my friends or family but when it comes to in-laws and further in-law family I can’t argue. And their first impression automatically is assuming that we are unable to conceive so they some times give me dua to read or ask me to consult some famous gynecologist. If I tell them that we are not planning to have kids they never buy it. And I am sick of the rumors that we can’t have kids. It was so uncomfortable to even hold and kiss a baby in the family without having to see the pity in people’s eyes.
The thing which worries me is further down the road if I ever want a kid it would be my preference to adopt one but again you know even if I mention this option in my in-laws it would be like conforming their doubts. People in Pakistan typically think that who in their right mind will adopt if they are able to have a biological child.
What do you guys think of this situation? It is awkward to start a thread on this topic but hey I might get some good suggestions to deal with it.
Do not care about what people say, look at me, I'm going to be a mum for third time and believe me everyone was shocked in my family to hear the news and some of them(very close relatives) said to me very upsetting things like " you shouldn't have done this before 5 years", " 2 kids were enough for you", " I hope you won't go for the forth one", " how you gonna manage with three kids" it'd be so hard raising 3 kids " etc.
" Much of what I learned in school, I have had to spend my life unlearning." -Hamza Yusuf Hanson
H.M.P.B.U.H like kids very much janat ke phhool aur farishtay kaha hai so it means kid are cute n sab ko he pasand hain.its better for you to think this way if u dont wana listen to the ppl listen to your heart after thinking this !
Do not care about what people say, look at me, I'm going to be a mum for third time and believe me everyone was shocked in my family to hear the news and some of them(very close relatives) said to me very upsetting things like " you shouldn't have done this before 5 years", " 2 kids were enough for you", " I hope you won't go for the forth one", " how you gonna manage with three kids" it'd be so hard raising 3 kids " etc.
We had our first kid 6 years after our marriage and went through the same kind of apprehensions and endless recommendations by every person we came accross, whereas the fact of the matter was that we were perhaps not ready, or maybe there was no particular reason...
We have 2 kids now, Masha'Allah, and since we've had them, no-one even remembers when we had them, how soon after the marriage we had them...and all those details.
Like everyone else said, learn to ignore as much as possible and when you are ready, you will know.
Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open...
yeahh
some ppl get married to start a family, I believe some ppl also get married not to start a family.
ohhhh
maybe they were having trouble getting stuff with out getting married.. hmmm
ﺃﷲ ﻧﯣﺮ ﺇﺴﻣﺇﯣﺇﺕ ﯣﺇﻠﺄﺮﺾ"The fastest way to succeed is to double your failure rate." -- Thomas J. Watson
yeahh
some ppl get married to start a family, I believe some ppl also get married not to start a family.
ohhhh
maybe they were having trouble getting stuff with out getting married.. hmmm
Whats that? So Are you saying husband and wife do not make a family?
Whats that? So Are you saying husband and wife do not make a family?
I don't know..
But If my father have ever told "son we didn't want you"
I would be real mad. Don't you think?
With out me they would just two ppl doing nasty stuff.
If they didn't want you then you wouldn't be here. Anyways it is not related to what I was saying. And if you really think sex is nasty then either you are a 10 years old or its Time to take sex-ed.
If they didn't want you then you wouldn't be here. Anyways it is not related to what I was saying. And if you really think sex is nasty then either you are a 10 years old or its Time to take sex-ed.
