mancunian

when i was married i wouldnt tell me folks about the arguments with my wife not uless they found out as we was living all together - good thing ur moving out best thing to do get ur own place if mother in law is nosey.

kisi ki sweetheart

LC, it seems as though ur sharing your troubles with ur mum and he with his.
what you need to do is tell him directly what your prob is, and if you can show him this thread so he understands your frustrations.

by sharing ur arguments with others ur weakening ur marriage, thats my opinion anyway, every couple argues but if u keep it between the 2 of u it is likely to be resolved much sooner.

good luck.

LostConfused

i dont like to tell anyone about the problems yet he loves to run and tell his mother

kisi ki sweetheart

i thimk ur makingthis into a BIGGER PROBLEM THAN IT IS...stop worrying about his mother.
i think because ur so worried about him going to his mother ur making him go...cos he feels let down by you.

i dontb mean to be harsh but ...stop fretting over he mother son issue and get on with the positives in ur life.
no matter how much u hate it they will always have a strong bond.

mysticalrain

see sometimes when negative happens, we try to find reasons as to why it exists - ur nandhs' issue is probably not the reason why ur MIL is finding ways and means to put u down - what have u done wrong to her? ur husband needs to really start acting like a mature adult and a responsible individual - on the other hand maybe sit down and see what u might be doing wrong while arguments that he goes runnin off to his mother. I find that using the same tone and same lingoo as a man triggers some sort of fear in them that needs reconfirmation and since he cant come to u he'll run to his mom instead. try being cool, calm and collected, if u think an argument might start on something, try to go away and drink some water or catch some air. Secondly, if u think ur being treated a certain way by ur saas, its because of what comes to her from her son. U really need to work on him, kindness and politeness will go a long way - whereas any kind of harsh words might just recreate another scene where u'll look bad.

as far as lena dena goes within u and ur in-laws, just because u give something out of good faith to someone doesnt mean they might all do the same, but nonetheless u shud think that they do. I mean I do ALOT for my in-laws, especially for my devars and their wives; but I do it because I love them, not because I want makeup and clothes in return. I think dua's are in itself a bigger gift than anything else. So dont lose hope, insha'Allah Im sure that if u tackle the issue like a mature person everything will fall into place. Dont let the little things get to u.. and also, DONT RETURN THAT JORA UR NANDH GAVE U, it doesnt matter if she has worn it, u shud act like the bigger person.

mall

hmmm interesting view point. i m married since 3 years Mashallah but havent faced this prob... I think the guy is really immature if he is goin and tellin his mom everythin so i agree with u that she shud politely speak to her hubby and make him realise this is not acceptable for a man to do. indirectly, make him look around and see other men who are 'mama's boys' in the sense that they DEEPLY love their mothers but they never run to them if they have arguments with wives, unless ofcourse its a big issue.
I think in this materialistic world, mystic, its not easy to give and give and not expect anythign at all. if u r not expecting and love them with all ur heart, u r one of a kind... but seriously not all women are like that... i can tell u i m not... it just pisses me off that every year when we go to pak, we spend so much money on the mom in law... but let alone thankful(the face shud also say rite, not just a plain thanks) she dusnt return me gifts of quality. i mean i know my hubby sends money to her and everythin and she dusnt have authority on money but come on, her son spends so much money on her when he goes, its stupid and rude of her to not spend money wisely on me.... i think i m v sensitive when ppl do not reciprocate my love and feelings, even when its a gift... no need to return immediately, but they should make sure that they equally show they care for me... as much as I do.. thaz my 2 cents!

navaidishere

What he is doing is breaching the spousal trust. Now its a tough and serious situation but you need to be calm and be in control of the situation then feel depressed about it.


a. First of all, he is your husband, so you need to defend him not put him in the box to defend himself, you do that he'll keep on going back to his mother.

b. Don't fight / nag / cry or whine about it.

c. Talk to him like an adult that he is breaching your trust. Remember don't use negative words. Use positive words. Basically what you are doing is programming his brain into doing what you want. So its important that you use positive feelings and positive words. If you can, before you talk to him, write everything you want to say, sleep over it, go through it again, edit out things. Once ready, simply spit it out before dinner. Have dinner afterwards and give him a treat. A special one, something out of the ordinary treat. That special treat is to verify or to test him.

d. It very likely that he'll breach it again, since he has been use to it since childhood. That's where "behavior modification" comes in. Now humans respond well to love and affection much more quicker then they do to negativity or whining. So, if he ask for a treat, even after breaching the trust, he gets one but not the special one. Something ordinary. Every time he doesn't breach your trust, he gets something special. Every time he does, he get an ordinary treat. Point is, it makes you in control, and soon enough he will figure out how the whole treat system works. He will give up his behavior but not without a fight. What you did was gain control in the process, gave him a confidence boast, and built extra trust along the way.

P.S. In short, positive feelings expressed with positive words in a positive manner. What you need to figure out is the treat part. As much forward I may seem, men do generally respond well when they are intimate but don't discuss anything; during or after your intimate time.

amnaar

^ don't ruin your marriage, and your life due to materialistic things .... yes, we humans, no matter how hard we try are affected by materialistics, it must justifyably hurt you when you are not given the same consideration in terms of gifts etc as other girls of the house hold, but this is very common issue that the 'bahus' have to face to some extent or other in pakistani/desi families ...and although hurtful, is entirely materialistic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things...
you should do sabar...it pays off, but takes time

and frankly you are complaining about your husband sharing marriage issues/arguments with his mom...but at the same time you are also letting your own mom influence you in your dealings with your inlaws... in my opinion your mom should not have told u to return the suit (that was supposedly and old suit of your nand)... she should have told you to do sabar, and she should have told you beta no matter how hurt you are (b/c u think the present was not a new suit) you should not let it affect your behaviour towards your sister in laws and your mother in laws... when some one does something wrong to you and you continue doing the right to them, despite how they are behaving with you...sometimes only then they realize their own mistakes and mend their ways
sometimes, it takes them years to realize "wow i treated this person in a crappy way, but they in return were always nice to me"...

both you and your husband should immediately stop letting your moms influence your dealings with eachother and with the other family members before its too late

Your President

I agree with that perspective.

I was surprised your mother actually gave you that "advice". It doesn't concern me whether or not the suit was old or new or how you personally dealt with it but an experienced woman advising 'this'!?? Strange.
That advice not only made you resent your sister in law more, but it also made matters further uncomfortable and upsetting for both parties not only in the short run but also in the long run.

Lets face it. You live in a desi setting in a desi environment and chances are, you're never going to move far enough to be free of it all ever. I'm not going to judge whether the desi way is right or wrong or advise you on how to deal with your issues. You are a gown woman, you can decide for yourself. However, I will give you my opinion. Most desi MILs don't like confrontational bahooz. Whether you are or not is not the point. The point is, when you take advice like returning the dress, you are clearly being confrontational. And nobody likes that. I'm not saying your SIL was right, I'm simply stating your reaction should never be confrontational since you are the bahoo.

Now, there is nothing wrong in being confrontational if that's your nature. I am confrontational myself. However, I rarely lash back at anyone. But in your case, you don't have your husband backing you up. You cannot make your MIL or SIL unhappy because your husband will pick their word over yours. You will be bashed and your life made a living hell. So unless you plan on taking them 3 of them on, I suggest you learn to ignore and move on.

And please, seriously, either go ahead with it or don't bother with it. Either answer back to them whenever they're unfair to you, lash back, stand up for what you believe in or just stay quiet and ignore. Don't have random outbursts because no one takes that seriously. Its either black or white. No grey matter.

RupayHalwa

You both need to see a marriage counsellor, perhaps u have one who specialises in desi marriages near u.

Can i suggest something? Both of u go outsomewhere like a park or something where u will get some privacy from ppl who know u. Then have a CONVERSATION, u initiate it, start by acknowledging the fact that he does not like u telling your mum stuff. ADMIT u tell your mum stuff and say u have thought about it, and how u have seen it from HIS perspective and how HE must NOT LIKE it.

Then say, that u realised how HE doesnt like it when u tell your mum stuff, cos u also feel bad when HE tells HIS mum stuff. So agree to make a start by not telling your family ANYTHING of the troubles between u, and ask him to do the same by not speaking to his family of your troubles.

Then STICK to it and don't have tantrums.

LostConfused

thank you to everyone for their ideas and advise
I appreciate it and I just wanted to let you know that I have done a lot of soul searching along with a lot or prayer.
I have spoken to the hubby and we have both agreed that we have made a lot of mistakes and we need to smarten up for the betterment of ourselves and our future.
So please pray that we may both be always very happy and loving towards one another.
As for the SIL, yes it was rude of me to return it but it was rude of her to give me her old outfit as a gift but I am over it. In the end, she will answer to Allah for her deeds so who am I to make an issue out of it.
And the MIL is being very sweet and very nice to me so I am just going with the flow and being very sweet and loving to everyone as well.

RupayHalwa

I'm glad to hear that u both agree to smarten up and hope that both stick to your resolutions and pray for your happiness.

The difficult thing is STICKING to it, so please understand u may not find it easy, but dont give up!!!

mizzrani

i read everyone's respinses but i know only a person going through this can understand . i dont see why soooo much importance is given to the husband , a wife has to do everything yet the husband doesnt. is it only the wife that gets married not the husband. all sacrifices are for the women and nothing for the man.

i dont believe in that

a marriage is a contract , that is wh we sign the nikahnama. it should be taken as serious as any contract and as any contract its a 50 - 50 partnership . that's why children are made up from both of the parents not just one. so why is preference given to the husband.

husbands should comprisie and sacrifice too.

wife parents are just as important as in laws

and whenppl start to understand this trust me the divorce rate will go down.

LostConfused

Thanks for the thoughts Mizzrani
I agree with you 100% on a marriage being a contract where compromise and understanding is needed from both parties all the time.
I think sometimes a couple gets lost from the true meaning of a marriage and just needs to re-group and focus on themselves especially when other family members are putting their 2 cents into everything the couple wants to do.

mizzrani

lostconfused dont think of urself as alone i am in the same situation hubby doesnt run to his mum she doesnt interfere bt its others and i cnt stand dt