Sahar02

Reading through a lot of the threads here, it feels like a lot of questions and problems come as a result of poor communication between husbands and wives. Most of us are raised not to talk as openly with people of the opposite sex, and it is very hard for many to just automatically change that after marriage as you try to communicate with your spouse. I think most people feel it is important to communicate honestly and openly, but it is easier said than done to build that kind of relationship between husband and wife. Many people are shy about discussing their needs and desires, admitting that they think about their sexuality, sharing their feelings, etc.

So what are some suggestions to help couples be open and honest and willing to share not just physical, but also emotional and mental intimacy?

kisi ki sweetheart

well, its simple dont pretend to be what your not, just be yourself.

i dont have a problem discussing anything with my husband and we had a semi- arranged marriage.

RupayHalwa

I do sometimes wonder if people from Pakistan have been mislead by the films they watch. In real life things happen slowly, u cant suddenly become a fully fledged, dance around trees couple the moment u set eyes on eachother.

RupayHalwa

What im trying to say is that guy and girl should understand first and foremost that life is not an indian film. And there is no magic way for a couple to understand eachother without WORDS. When one talks, the other should listen, and vice versa.

And no one should b too shy to talk.

funguy

Sahar, excellent topic.

The problem stems from the fact that we as society think of sex as something dirty and taboo. Most desi women think of it as the necessary evil they have to commit to inorder to fulfill the animal instincts of men. This causes sexual suppression both physically and mentally. In later years they may perform the physical act just out of necessity but mentally they still think of it as something "bad".

Sex is a very mental thing. It triggers in the brain first. It's another thing that most men's brain lies below the waiste but that's for another topic

It's really hard to find a desi woman who actually enjoys sex and a desi man who knows what the hell he is doing.

Cantankerous

Ahhh....really? And here I had the whole dance sequence planned out!

somegroovychick

^ lol!

i think communication can be difficult in a relationship to begin with but especially in one where you've never laid eyes on the person before and all of a sudden, you're supposed to share your life with them! its hard to be able to get to the point where you're so comfortable with the other person you can share your expectations/hopes/ideals with them, and be prepared to hear theirs. thats why i think desi couples really need to date after marriage if they can't before. otherwise you get caught up in newly-married life and adjusting to each other's families, sometimes moving to a new country. date nights, even once a week, ensure you catch up with each other, spend time with each other, and can get to know each other better. its a ritual that, i think, needs to continue well into the marriage, even after children are born and you've been married for years.
my husband and i go out every friday night without fail- sometimes to dinner, sometimes to a movie, sometimes we go to our favourite hot dog vendor and just sit in the car and eat and catch up with each other. it might sound silly considering we do live together, after all, but we both get really busy with work and after-work activities, and plus its really nice to have something to look forward to at the end of a busy week.

Rosemarina

^ awwwwww. that's nice, a loving couple right there.

funguy

somegrrovy chick, I tried doing this crap of having a weekly outing but we always ended up at a desi joint where we would both end up eating lots of greasy food and raw adrak and onions. Let me tell you all we wanted to do after gettin back home was sleep...no not the american sleeping together shiit.

PhatBalongri

I was one of those type of girls who used to think sex is something you don't talk about or its something wrong and i thought that the desires we have are also wrong and stuff. I used to think kissing is gross. I used to get mad at guys for flirting or even trying to flirt. But somehow when i met my husband, it was different, it didnt feel wrong. I think it was the fact that he was very patient with me. He realized i hadn't gone through those feelings or opening up to a guy like that before so he took it easy and it was a slow process. He just made me feel really comfortable around him. He always told me to tell him if I didnt like something he was saying or doing(very imp to tell your girl). It took A LOT of courage and time but slowly I started telling him how i felt, what i liked and stuff. Now i cant believe i am that same person. Even now i still catch myself thiking we are doing something haram and then i realize we are married.

swtangel16

i think it varies from every couple and the situtation in which they were married........i've been engaged for about 2 yrs now and inshallah getting married in a week n a half but it was hard for the first yr for us to talk about something like that but now that we've gotten to know each other better it's easier for us to talk about basically everything and i guess it helps that we knew each other before the engagement.........everything gets easier with time the important thing is to be honest w/ ur partner and if you really don't feel comfortable talking about these things just have to ease into it and not put to much pressure on it.......i never thought as myself as being the type that would be able to talk about things like this w/ anyone but i guess there comes a time in every relationship when things just fall into place and everything gets easier and comfortable to talk about

sanz

very nicely articulated thoughts ....swtangel16.......

swtangel16

thanx salz

X2

make sure they dont get married until they have some level of emotional and mental maturity.

Desi_BeauTii

EXACTLY!!! Now lets try to get that through the head of the aunties and uncles (the actual marriage decision makers)

Sahar02

That's great to hear, kss. However, there are still many couples out there for whom this is a very difficult topic. What advice do you have to help them develop this kind of closeness?

To me, my husband is my best friend. If I'm going to share anything with someone, it's him. And I protect him as well, not embarrassing him in public or complaining about him with others. If there's an issue, I feel comfortable talking to him about it.

Then I think that what SGC says makes sense with your post. Going out and doing things together, developing a rapport, getting to know each other, regularly spending time together DOING things, rather than just dealing with khandaan issues is really important to developing not just romance but friendship between husband and wife.

FG -- I think most desi women don't actually think of it as a necessary evil and hate it, but many of them don't feel comfortable expressing that to other people. They are afraid that if they share their desires, they will be labeled as vulgar, slutty, etc. Even by their husbands. And many don't enjoy sex because, as you said, they've suppressed themselves so much that they don't do what they would enjoy or tell their partner. There's actually an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray and Deborah undergo the same awkward and embarrassing conversation -- after 12 years of marriage. So it's most likely not just a desi issue.

Sahar02

Cantakerous: hehe! You've got a rude awakening coming

SGC: That sounds like a great plan. We do more of that stuff during the weekdays because our weekends tend to be overwhelmed by family stuff mostly. It's hard to say no to that.

swtangel16: That's great to hear.

Sahar02

Despite the obvious wisdom in that comment, you know that it still happens. So how do you help those people who just weren't ready to talk? And then, I do think that there are a lot of people who are emotionally and mentally mature (like some of my family members) who have been so sheltered and raised in a conservative household that they just don't know when and how to open up.
Aunties and Uncles need to be given other projects to keep them busy.

Faisal

Respect. A mistake many people make is to start taking their spouse for granted. Even after getting married (perhaps more so than before) keep investing in the relationship as if you are still courting your spouse. This keeps the flame not only alive, but actually makes it stronger with every passing day. Plus a great physical relationship absolutely helps in dealing with other day to day issues that invariably pop up in every couple's lives.

aly-sam

My husband and I also go out for dinner once a week....

He goes out Friday nights

I go out Saturday nights

Numb

-

X2

you help them grow as a person, because the issue is not that they dont open up, but they need to open up appropriately as well. what if someone starts talking and is very adept at shaing hurtful comments and views?

so that means that they are not emotionally mature. the overly conservative surroundings have stunted their growth in this area.

again my view would be to treat the cause and not the symptoms.

it starts by helping them understand that opening up is not bad, and to make small changes, do one thing and it may be uncomfortable to do, but eventually it will not be, small gestures, small words here and there.

X2

sadly those uncles and aunties need to grow up as well.
I have seen many immature middle aged people. just because they have more years behind them does not always mean that they have a mature and sensible personality, outlook or approach.

Dushwari

excellent topic.

open minded ness does not have to translate to open marriages. high infidelity & a sense of utter disregard is an absolute bad thing for each other, everyone knows it, but sadly very few take a note of what is going on so wrong by BOTH spouses, as most of the blame and claim games is busily played while the relationship is destroyed.

kindness will go only so far, i suspect. but being humble and consistent in a predictably fair behavior will ease much of the tension.

X2

ummmm aunty, what did you smoke before posting, who is talking about 'open marriages' here?

somegroovychick

lol! but see, you need to go back to that, and pledge to try something new in cuisine every week.... so you do desi one week (and come home and brush your teeth ), then go for chinese the next, middle eastern the week after, etc. etc.. that way, not only do you spend time together but you also try out new foods.