NaTaLia

hie all,

my friend has a problem and she needed advise from me ,but i thought to share it with you all so that i can give her a better advise

her problem is that she belongs from such a family jahan you cant meet the boy before getting married,her nikkah was arranged and she didnt knew the boy.now as she is nikkahfied now so she went on a dinner with him where he told her that he likes gals who cooks well ,wakes up early in the morning.he didnt wanted his wife to do a job .he wanted her to have kids and look after his parents.Now the problem is the gal is becoming a doctor and she wanted to be an obstritian.but the boy is not keen that she should study moreshe tought that she will talk to him in her next meeting.

yesterday her MIL came to see her and baaton baaton mai she said ''ITANI PARHAII KA KIYA KARNA TUM AISA KAROO SILAHII (SWEING) BHI SEEKH LOO''she ignored that comment and told the MIL that she had cooked ACHAAR GOSHT today ..uss pai she siad ''loo jee uss mai kiya kamaal hai aj kal bohat shaan kai masalai miltai hain''

these things are happening after nikkah .she asked me kai kiya woh khush rahai gi shadi kai baad???for me shadi is pure LUCK ..what can i say????secondly she is that type of a gal who can study hard and want to afford a maid instead of doing all the work herself.

so what should she do..should she continue with the nikkah yahan abhi bhi time hai ???

sana020477

This is a confusing situation especially wher the nikah has already took place she could have made it clear to them before the nikah that she wants to become a doctor ok her parents were strict she could have some how got his number and talked to him i mean what advice can we give her now its a bit too late for that, she should ask a maulvi saab from her local mosque if she can ask for divorce because you can tell her in laws will never accept what she wants anyway good luck to her.

Light Bearer

The parents are to blamed for her situation now. I see no hope for her if carries on this relationship.

X2

i agree with roshni-wala this looks bad, very bad.

NeSCio

I agree with LB and X2; this situation has miserable written all over it, and her parents are to be blamed for it purely.

Only way this can be salvaged is if she sacrifices everything for her marriage (eg. her studies, her career prospect, her anger towards her parents for getting her married there)

CertifiedCute

No no, don't advise her to go for a divorce dear.. it's a small problem, MILs are like this most of the times.. they usually taunt to their DILs. Its nothing out of this world happening to her. Just ask her to communicate with her husband and he'll understand InshaAllah. and being a muslim going for divorce just for making their career is not a good idea at all - IMHO

Rest - you can see other's advises too.. they're also good and helpful.

Light Bearer

Then both are wrong, MIL for doing this and DIL for accepting this as norm.

Sahar02

It was pretty dumb not to discuss this stuff before hand. Even if you're from a family where the bride and groom couldn't talk, why did the groom's family pick a girl who is a professional, why didn't the bride's family make sure to discuss this?

Why has such ignorant behavior taken over?

The girl is in for a lifetime without fulfillment and full of sacrifice. I would address it directly with the husband. If he isn't bending, I wouldn't go through with it.

Certified Cutie -- How is this a small problem? It's not just the MIL. It's also the husband.

RupayHalwa

Even if the girl talks to the husband and he verbally agrees to her continuing career and education, there is no guarantee that he will stick to it after marriage. The girl needed to add it as a written condition to her marriage contract. I don't know if the original nikah can be anulled and a new one written with her conditions?

Thing is, with parents like that who made her do this in the first place, what options does she have to do change things?

Ma Mooli

well she can phone him back and tell him 1) she's thought about it and she doesnt agree with the conditions, and 2) that they shouldve made all this clear before the nikah (knowing that she was a student).

anywyas, put the ball in their court, get your parents on your side, and take it from there....and should it go ahead, get a written agreement so they cant really go back on it later on.

sabi_13

But see, the husband is now trying to make her aware of his home situation..isn't it?

Sahar02

^ No. He's telling her that he is too cheap to hire a maid and chef, and wants his wife to handle the duties.

Regardless, this is all something that should have been addressed before marriage.

farook2knz

This is probably the best option. Though, judging from the conservative/traditional nature of the two families, I'd advise against a written agreement, it might be seen as too bold/forward by boy's side (i.e. seen as an indication the girl wants to ride on their heads). Just a verbal commitment, agreed by both the families should be sufficient.

Can't believe such people/parents still exist in such a age. These are the matters that need to pinned down before making a lifelong commitment. Both sides' parents, and even the groom himself (through his parents, if both sides are really conservative), should've made this clear before. I don't see any wrong in a man seeking a traditional wife for himself, but, given the age we are living in, he should've communicated beforehand what his expectations while the two families were negotiating.

Primarily its the duty of girl's parents consider such things, where their daughter is going, and if she fully understands and accepts (read approve) the future they're planning for her.

Sajalina

lol @ salai seekh lo. Seems MIL forgot the Karhai part, after all they both go hand in hand.

PSquared

I think she needs to exhaust all her options before thinking of divorce.

1st, why didnt her parents make sure studying wouldnt be a problem?

2nd, it seems as if the MIL knew her plans to study because she made a snide comment about it. If thats the case, they're switching the script on her now. Which isnt fair to her.

3rd, she needs to talk to her husband right away. Be tactful about it, dont get upset or irrational. Discuss it and let him know she has so many dreams and hopes for the future and now she sees them going up in flames as she makes achar gosht for her MIL (btw achar gosht rocks).

4th, speak to her own parents about this. She needs to have a strong support system backing her up. Ask her own parents what they think about this, has her MIL said anything to them about it? What do they say about all of this?

She cant just go and file a divorce willy nilly, try and see what she can do to remedy the situation first. Who knows? Her husband might say "you're right".

IF nothing works, then she might want to go that route because its not fair for a woman to alter her entire being, dreams, career, personality, lifestyle, etc just to be married. Thats torture on the soul and just builds resentment within a relationship.

Those are my thoughts.

amnaar

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contrary to other views here, i think, thinking about divorce is hasty...

It was her parent's responsibility before the nikah, and even before accepting the rishta, to tell her inlaws, and the potential damaad about how good a student their daughter is, and how eager she is to study. They should have clearly stated her academic goals and aspirations for the future to the boy's family and the boy himself even before accepting the rishta (my parents did this for me).

Since the parents did not do this before nikah, they should do this NOW...yes it is they (the parents) who should do this , not the girl herself...she should avoid talking about this issue herself with her husband over dinner (as it wont be effective, and can cause more anxiety for her depnding on what her husband happens to say each time they discuss this)...

it was the guys family and the girls family who arranged this nikah, right? so why should the girl try to solve this problem by herself, its a problem between families .... she should give her full voice to her parents... her parents should back her up, and should in a very assertive respectful manner talk to their damaad and his ghar walay, about their daughters future goals for studies.... A correct amount of very direct and tacful pressure from the girls parents/guardians on her inlaws and husband can do wonders..

I think, thinking about divorce is a little hasty, before even trying this sort of dialogue between families specially the girls parents and their damaad... but the parents must make sure that they do make their daughters academic goals absolutely clear to the damaad and his mother before the rukhsati., they should put forward clear conditions for rukhsati... and they should make sure they do get some sort of agreement/word/tassalli from their damaad and his parents about the security of their daughters academic future before rukhsati....i
if after trying that, they see that there is no hope, and they havent convinced the inlaws and havent gotten and guarantee/promise...then the parents of the girl (not the girl herself) can sort of well "threaten' or "put forward" divorce as option... and see the damaad and the MIL's reaction...


and your friend should not read too much into comments like "silaai seek lo" and about khana pakana etc... it might be the saas's aadat, to be a typical saas like that...yoru friend should ignore them.

Orpheus

...shattered dreams.

PSquared

This makes a lot of sense too...it was the parents who arranged this...it should be them fixing it too.

X2

outsourcing a major decision of her life to her parents got her in the situation where she is, it would be stupud to have them resolve the situation because from what have heard being a conservative family and all, they will probably talk to the other side and some bullcrap discussions and waday shaday will take place and when the wedding takes place, it all goes out the window.

She should ahve her parents manage this...but the decisions have to be 100% hers. period

Lafanter

get divorce