alvena

hey,

something i have never really disclosed on here is that there has been a man in my life for the past 3 years, it isnt a full on realtionship, but we have always been there for eachother, we knew we had feelings for eachother and always some kind of loyality, we talked about telling our parents when the time was right and just hoping that it worked out, if it didnt that was just kismat.

We have always been good friends, sharing things and spending alot of time togther and things have always been happy stable and good.

My parents have started to try and look for rishtas for me, and i never objected because nothing very serious came up and that is also why i never told them about him and him about my rishtas, i was just waiting for the right time to avoid uncessessary heartache, i always thought if my parents found someone where there was nothing to say no to and they said no to him i would never object, my parents happiness is very important.

Also me and this guy have very different backgrounds and social staus and views and language so maybe we wouldnt have been perfect despite our feelings.

On friday he told me that he doesnt have feelings for me anymore.

I was devastated very hurt, he said its best if we just be friends and he has loved me but now its just care. He has suddenly noticed all the other women in the world, and maybe we got into this too quick too soon.

I have also had my own issues where i have been very busy and withdrawn, and stressed, and not spent much time with him, he hasnt really tried to help me but avoided me, i always assumed he was giving me space.

We study together, i dont know what to do! how to deal with it.

SHould i accept it, talk, cry, move on?

ahhh

princessjojo

That is actually a blessing in disguise. You may not feel so now, but give it time.

Accept it, cry if you need to and move on. I know its easier said than done, but we are viewing your situation from a more objective pov than you. I suggest you do not make it messy by talking...he has already cleared his side.

Be strong and show that strength.

Ansoon

you had your chance and you didn't take it. I guess this is the part where you use "kismat mein nahi tha" and move on..

no point in forcing our his love out of him.. you shall find someone better and more caring/loving than him..

alvena

it would be easier if we didnt study together.

Gaia

Correct me if i'm wrong, but it kind of sounds like you guys were depending on kismat for a while, and now you're hurt after he has backed out! So did you love him? I'm guessing not, but it would have lead to love if things got more serious. I'm assuming all of this since, you did not think it was imp to tell your parents, but even more tell him about the rishtas. I would cry a little and move on, becuase neither one of you were serious on marrying each other.



Now its a whole another thing if you cannot see yourself marrying anyone but him!!!

alvena

We did want to marry, and did 'love' eachother, i think it was love. But we tried to me sensible and not put our feeling on the line because we didnt want to be in a full blown relationship until and unless we got married so that if it didnt work out there was not too much heart break

Coming from pakistani families this dating thing and love marriage thing can cause alot of heart ache and its scary telling parents so we were waiting until it was essential.

I did want to marry him, but was prepared to sacrficie for my parents happiness if they said no.

I wasnt prepared for this, for him to say no.

You know what i never knew what i wanted thinking about it.

Gaia

So since you DID want to marry each other and did not want to date before shaadi, was it not essential to tell your parents when you were getting rishtas? What were you waiting for? Futhermore, why was it not imp for you to tell him about the rishtas you were getting from the start? And lastly, since it has not worked out (atleast untill now) and you guys "didn't put your feeling on the line," how is it not too much of a heart break?

COLD_FIRE

Look, i know it would be very very difficult to carry on studying in the same college/university with him... but as our friends up there have said without hesitation...it's time to move on. U have to show the strength to move on. And well, if his being around is a distraction then... change your environment. Some people are more sensitive and we cannot ask every person to show strength if he/she can't. So do what u have to do and carry on.

For future... if there's any such occurrence... and u sense feelings rising, its better to ask the guy to talk to the family directly... com'on, 3 years is a pretty, pretty long time to know what's what. And now... u know it.

Hopefully you'll recover in days. And feel light-hearten and live your normal, natural, burden free life. Keep smilin. Chao.

sweetpip

I'll post a full answer tomorrow alvena. But this truly is a blessing in disguise for you and I respect your friend for telling you the truth now. He could have been like many guys, and could have tried to play your feelings. Instead he has told you the trth, and I imagine this is because he does want you to be happy with whoever is lucky to marry you as he does not feel that he could have given you that happiness.

However, I would advise that distance probably would be good idea for a little while.

alvena

In my heart and mind i always knew my parents would not be happy with him because of many many things and i just didnt want to deal with it when it wasnt needed, and to me that was when some serious rishta came to light.

He knew my parents will start looking for me but i never told him about specific rishtas.

Looking back maybe i should have discussed it and i was stupid.

I never knew it would so much of a heart break

What hurts is the feeling of rejection he doesnt want me anymore.

alvena

You know this is what he kind of said in his own words!

Maybe everyone is right this is a blessing in disguise.

Gaia

emm, I understand!!

And i agree with everyone else here, and inshAllah, ALLAH will give you the strength needed to move on!

amir_pindi

Lemme add a modification in the blossoming here:

Alvena the real reason you are hurt is because the relation didnt end way they way you were planning for it to end.

Looks like you didnt have much concern for his feelings, where planning to reject him, but are just now shocked how he rejected you first.

how considerate. k:

Dude was Smart

Confucius

Alvena..

Rejection is painful at the best of times..

I think you knew in your heart that things weren't going to work out..

ofcourse it is going to hurt, you are going to lose someone who you love and truly care for . you will inevitably lose the friend as well as whatever else he meant to you

All I can advise is that ALLAH has the best for you and keep faith in him and maybe try and separate yourself from this guy..

Things could be a lot worse and may ALLAH give you the strength to get through this..

Confucius

Amir

I know a really really good doctor.. jo dumhara ilaaj kar sakta..
Us ko Apni zabaan main.. Dangar Doctor kehtay hain and in English a Vet

Maybe he/she will be able to help you stop the slurry of stupidness that comes out of your mouth..

COLD_FIRE

Thank you for showing us how spastic a man can be.
Vet won't treat this guy Confucius... they treat animals & this guy is much worse.

nadz123

sorry to hear that, well to be honest sounds more like you are upset he rejected you rather than him not feeling the same for you. sometimes the two get confused, and we think we are heartbroken, but realy its a case of `no one likes rejection` so i guarantee you that most people would feel abit crap if they were rejected even if they didnt really have as many feelngs for that person anyway..sounds like youl be just fine babe....dont worry ;]

PSquared

alvena

Sometimes we dont see the bigger picture when its all happening to us.

This guy might have been in love with you and you might have felt the same. But you guys really didnt nurture or develop that love into something else...so it kind of fizzled out and died on his end earlier then yours.

You might be mistaking your feelings of care for love also...

Of course it hurts..who wouldnt be a little sad or feel even angry? But its also for the best because you guys didnt feel strongly enough to get into a relationship or make your parents aware of your feelings. He did a great thing...he didnt lead you on any further and told you straight up about his feelings. Lots of men dont do that...they just kinda leave to figure it out on your own. Meaning, at least he respects and cares for you.

Thats more then a lot of girls get from anyone they liked.

sanadubai

cheer up girl...jo hota hay achay k liy hota hay n mov on...just 1 thing i always keep in my mind...all boys r same...they just wan to play with girls feelings....ahhhh

bhenjee

Please don't feel so down. LIke you said, you both were prepared for the worst. Nothing we say or tell you to do will take away your heartache. It is very true when they say that "time heals all wounds." You will just have to have a very strong belief on that. For the meanwhile, it is best that you try to keep yourself distracted in other things. Take up full-time activities, gymming, book club, volunteer work in the evenings, makeup/ cooking classes.

It all seems futile but down the road when you look back you will realize that it was really not all that big a phase in your life as you thought. You and your thoughts, and your hopes probably made it bigger. If he's your classmate, then chances are he's the same age as you. I personally believe that it's better that you get to spend your life with someone who's a little older. Guys are always way behind on the maturity level when it comes to comparing them with a girl their own age.

With all this, just put up your shoulders and accept the fact that DESPITE all you felt for him and all you were willing to sacrifice for him, he told you he didn't want to be with you. The sooner the better. So you know what, move on, you dump him back.. in the river!!!!!

Let your parents do all the thinking for you for a while. Meet your prospects, you might want to dislike them all in the beginning, but remember that all these guys that you meet are willing to "marry". Which means that insha'Allah when things work out for you with any one guy, he will be willing to give his all for YOU. Always remember, it is more important to marry someone who wants to marry you, as opposed to someone you want to marry
He will always keep you happy.. you wont have time to think about your past... it wont even matter then!
We will all pray for you. Be strong and just stop thinking abt ur past. (atleast tr not to..)