Chances of getting married again - Page 6

njgal · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sahar02

More:

My cousin (male, never-married before) had admired a woman when he was searching for a rishta, but found out she was already engaged or married. When he saw her a few years later, he was still searching, and heard that she had had a divorce and had a daughter. He decided to pursue a rishta with her. She came from a good Pakistani family, and he really seemed to like her.

Many people in the family were upset. I actually heard elders use the terms "used goods," etc, when they heard his choice. I was appalled that people could talk of another human being in that manner.

Anyway, in the end they did marry, and seem happy together. It's been over 10 years. But the stigma did exist for the woman. My cousin was just very strong about what he wanted.

That's great Sahar. Sometimes I think convicing the FAMILY MEMBERS is the hardest part

fayax · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:23 AM

I lost my crystal ball. Cant see the future anymore.

smilestar · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:50 AM

i read through the first two pages, and skimmed through the rest. this seems like a very heated discussion, and rightly should be so, as there are many opinions.

now from my understanding, this thread isn't about whether or not getting a divorce is allowed and under what circumstances or whether a divorcee can re-marry again.

it's questioning whether you would marry a divorcee and whether or not it's considered such a taboo in our culture.

and quite honestly, i'd like to hear from people that have actually been through the process, because i believe this is what the thread was started for.

njgal · Jul 2nd, 2009, 10:59 AM

Smilestar - one of my best friends in college marriad her college sweetheart. They had been going out for 4 years. They got married and ended up getting divorced. (i will not go into why they did)

The guy remarried after 2 years. He has 2 kids

She was about to get married and the rishta just backed out. (Again people blame her)

I always hear "taali do haath say bajti hai" - but why is it that one haath is always better off the the other one

njgal · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:02 AM

My husband college buddy (never been married) recently married a divorcee with a 5 year old daughter.

It was resassuring to see that.

smilestar · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by njgal

Smilestar - one of my best friends in college marriad her college sweetheart. They had been going out for 4 years. They got married and ended up getting divorced. (i will not go into why they did)

The guy remarried after 2 years. He has 2 kids

She was about to get married and the rishta just backed out. (Again people blame her)

I always hear "taali do haath say bajti hai" - but why is it that one haath is always better off the the other one

i'm divorced, or rather have been divorced. i have a 4 and a half year old son from my previous marriage. it is very, very difficult for a women from our culture to get remarried. firstly, being divorced is a taboo in itself. on top of that, having a child..it's almost impossible to find a decent rishta for yourself again. regardless of why the divorced happened, even if the girl was not at fault, it's always assumed that the girl didn't try hard enough or work hard enough to make the marriage work. but we all have a breaking point, yeah? maybe someone can go further than the next person, but there's only so much we can take.

i have been blessed to have strong support from my immediate family, and i never felt that i wasn't welcomed back home. if it wasn't for them, i don't think i would have left my previous marriage.

but alhumdulillah a million times over, i am married to the most sweet and understanding guy now. he fully accepts and loves my son as his, and has never made me feel bad or given me any 'tanay' for what's happened in the past. but, my extended family continues to look down upon the fact that i got married again. as if, now that i'm divorced, my life is over and i can no longer get married again

so at the end of it..yes, it's very difficult for a divorcee to get married, but there are a few gems out there that actually make life worth living again.

njgal · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:19 AM

smilestar

you know whose the gem - you are. Here's to 2nd chances at happiness.

EVERYONE deserves them.

Pakilarka · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:22 AM

I think in most cases divorced gals (paki) refuse the rishta's unless she was married for couple of years only.

Chicken Biryani · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by njgal

Smilestar - one of my best friends in college marriad her college sweetheart. They had been going out for 4 years. They got married and ended up getting divorced. (i will not go into why they did)

The guy remarried after 2 years. He has 2 kids

She was about to get married and the rishta just backed out. (Again people blame her)

I always hear "taali do haath say bajti hai" - but why is it that one haath is always better off the the other one

Yes I felt that too that the women are made to face alot of negative emotion as compared to men ..

Women , are more vulnerable perhaps , and easy target hence are naturally taken at fault , I believe women are generally let down by their own families who incorporate in their minds that now that they are divorced they wont be able to find a good life .. this can eventually lead to low self esteem and greatly affects ones self defence mechanism ...

I know someone very closely who was a victim of domestic violence , after the divorce the parents somehow avoided talking about the real reasons behind the divorce , with the potential rishta's .. I found it quite odd coz she had a very valid reason and was purely innocent and the last thing she needed was rejection .... but the parents insisted it ws too dishonouring to talk about what really happened etc for fear that relatives will lash back at them for bad judgement in choosing the fellow etc ... I realized it was happening because she was vulnerable and scared to speak up for herself after what happened the first time , lost confidence in her own decisions and didnt want to let down her parents ....

Compared to her the ex husband , got married within 2 months of their divorce ! I still cant fathom why we tend to believe the male perspective so easily and ignore the female perspective so conveniently ..

Orpheus · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:40 AM

mamaof3, your in NYC right?

smilestar · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chicken Biryani

I know someone very closely who was a victim of domestic violence , after the divorce the parents somehow avoided talking about the real reasons behind the divorce , with the potential rishta's .. I found it quite odd coz she had a very valid reason and was purely innocent and the last thing she needed was rejection .... but the parents insisted it ws too dishonouring to talk about what really happened etc for fear that relatives will lash back at them for bad judgement in choosing the fellow etc .....

and i think that's the biggest reason why it's such a taboo in our culture. if our own parents are there to support us when we need it most, then who else will? the girl's parents need to have a voice, and stand up for their daughter, especially if she is being wronged. instead, they fall back because 'ohh, what will other people think' and what other people's reaction will be.

it has to stop somewhere, no? we need to get out of this mentality that we shouldn't talk about it, or we shouldn't do certain things because of what others think or want.

Chicken Biryani · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by smilestar

and i think that's the biggest reason why it's such a taboo in our culture. if our own parents are there to support us when we need it most, then who else will? the girl's parents need to have a voice, and stand up for their daughter, especially if she is being wronged. instead, they fall back because 'ohh, what will other people think' and what other people's reaction will be.

it has to stop somewhere, no? we need to get out of this mentality that we shouldn't talk about it, or we shouldn't do certain things because of what others think or want.

Yes that is the most important thing needed ,specially within our desi culture ...

One of the key roles that I am told to do as a social worker is to encourage the girls to stand up for themselves rather then falling down deeper into depression ... and not let anyone get away with ignorance in the name of culture, tradition , honour etc ... but its very hard for some individuals to forget the experience they encountered ... the emotional scarring doesnt let them talk so openly about it all ... if only family members could realize that ...

Straight_up · Jul 2nd, 2009, 11:57 AM

To all the people who've been wronged in marriages and stood up for themselves:

njgal · Jul 2nd, 2009, 12:14 PM

Even if you were not wronged - let say that you got a divorce because you just didn't see eye to eye, both of your were miserable, you had differences, each day was like living in jail...

It would be nice for parents to stand behind their daughters. Instead of the usual advice of "sabar karti raho"....

Aishaaa2.1 · Jul 2nd, 2009, 12:29 PM

My friend got divorced, and the guy she remarried had never been married. They're happy Alhum.

Sometimes good people go through bad circumstances, just accept as is. Look at each rishta and person on an individual to individual basis when getting married, and yeah like someone said earlier, its all in our khismat. It doesn't matter how you look, how much money you have, what type of education you have- you have to trust that what's meant to be is meant to be and everything happens for a reason.

Mehnaz · Jul 2nd, 2009, 12:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PSquared

I hope this thread isnt about divorcees being trashed or anything.

I'll be honest...I dont find anything wrong with a divorcee. If anything, they are more committed to making a relationship work because its their second time getting into one...its no joke to them anymore and they take it much more seriously then people are giving them credit for. Trusting someone is extremely hard for people who have been through a serious relationship that didnt work out. Its not a joke and for the ones who are thinking divorce is a peace of cake for people who have to go through it: You are living in La-La Land...there are some who abuse the system but majority of the divorces that happen are not because of irresponsible people just wanting out of a relationship. Its because it seriously isnt working and there is no use dragging two people through hell and back just to satisfy a bunch of strangers who have nothing to do with the relationship.

Yes, it makes it a lot harder on the women then men but times are changing and Im seeing a lot more divorced women finding happiness in their second relationship because they are wiser and are following their own instincts rather then their parents'.

What is so bad about a divorced man or woman?

I agree.

It's really sad how you need to be physically abused in order to justify your divorce to others. Emotional and mental abuse is a lot worse and has more harmful affects than physical abuse. Speak to anybody who has been through some serious emotional/mental abuse by their spouses .... they wish their spouse would have just punched them in the face. At least that bruise will have faded, but emotional and mental trauma does not fade. You can't live with any type of abuser, be it mental, emotional or physical.

I'm amazed at some of the naive responses in this thread. Just goes to show that there are kids posting on GS with very little life experience.

InToXiCaTeD · Jul 2nd, 2009, 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by njgal

Even if you were not wronged - let say that you got a divorce because you just didn't see eye to eye, both of your were miserable, you had differences, each day was like living in jail...

It would be nice for parents to stand behind their daughters. Instead of the usual advice of "sabar karti raho"....

That's what I wanted to say.

And why on earth it's mostly other women, especially aunties, who are so critical and judgmental of a divorced woman without knowing much about their situation. I just don't know how to react when I see that happening. or may be it was just my experience.

mysti · Jul 2nd, 2009, 01:36 PM

^Intoxicated - hamare culture mein, its easy to point your finger at another persons misfortune - thats why the aunties come in and become critical and judgemental!

yehi aunties agar apne ghar mein thora sa dehaan dein to duniya bari suhaani hojaye

smilly · Jul 2nd, 2009, 02:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chicken Biryani

well , there is no question of "still considered a taboo " .... it should be held as a taboo, at least for muslims.

There are exceptions always when a man and a woman have seriously genuine issues to get divorced. It is acceptable.

But generally it shouldnt become an acceptable norm at all , like its become in the west, every time a divorce happens , Allah's Abode shudders with extreme sadness ... Divorce is satan's best strategy against humans ... its all in the sunnah and is highly discouraged in Islam.

Marrying a divorcee , I would think a million times , and unless i am absolutely convinced that there was a huge and a genuine reason for divorce , I will never ever consider that individual for marriage. A person who lost it once can lose it again ... and no matter how sorry a state they are in , they are not worth my attention. specially when their actions were so against Allah's word.

LOLSSSSSSSSS

That's what i used to say

smilly · Jul 2nd, 2009, 02:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fayax

Tumhare mun mein ghee shakkar!

Now who wants me?

he he

aisa kertay hain saray line main lag jatay hain