Avoiding Divorce .... - Page 2

Dua_G · Jul 2nd, 2009, 07:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclairs

and someone said in last divorce thread "taali dono haath se bajti hai" ..but divorce is not a taali.its a thappar.which just needs one hand .

you are right dear, and i am really sorry about your lose. but i am happy that soon you get rid such kind of family. Inshallah Allah will bless you with a great life in future.

Desi_BeauTii · Jul 3rd, 2009, 12:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclairs

and someone said in last divorce thread "taali dono haath se bajti hai" ..but divorce is not a taali.its a thappar.which just needs one hand .

Well said!

mysti · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:08 AM

eclairs.. i really pray that Allah gives you alot of strength and its true.. there are times that u cant d anything more than wat you have already done -

*gone*

bringing back a marriage thats on the rocks due to issues between 2 people on a level of miscommunication or misunderstandings might be resolvable - but something that involves abuse, or cheating of ANY kind doesnt really deserve a second chance - jo banda eik baar aisa kar sakta hai woh baar baar aisa kar sakta hai -

diamond321 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:52 AM

Eclairs you are a very nice girl and whatever you are going thru is just a phase and truly a diffcult and painful phase. You did all that u can believe me if I were at your place I wouldn't have been able to take that much of misbehaviour and abuse as much as u did ! Your ex-husband and his family are such a looser to loose such a decent person like you.

It was best for your own sake to leave the guy . Don't you ever blame yourself for anything. We all know you tried and your family knows. Sometimes Allah apnay achay bando ki azmaish karta hai. So never have regrets and never ever blame yourself.

Insha Allah I am very sure and have full faith on my Allah that He will bless you with so much of happiness that you will forget what happened to you in the past. Its just a matter of time .

poppies · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:56 AM

HEAR HEAR diamond... this thread is certainly allowing people to share their bitter, sad and pretty horrific experiences- we should be grateful to Allah for his small mercies .. and also spare a thought for those people who currently are in or are facing similar problems- for those of us who have travelled that very stumbly and rocky road .. we know it all to well and inshalah by supporting one another and listening certainly goes a long way.....God Bless

diamond321 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:58 AM

mysticalrain - Thank God you took the right decision at the right time. May Allah Bless You with more and more happiness.

We girls always bear so much abuse and unfair treatment just for the sake of society and for our family and mostly inlaws and husband take advantage of this weak position of a woman and exploit her in many ways.

I hope and pary that every girl leads a safe and happy married life !

diamond321 · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by poppies

HEAR HEAR diamond... this thread is certainly allowing people to share their bitter, sad and pretty horrific experiences- we should be grateful to Allah for his small mercies .. and also spare a thought for those people who currently are in or are facing similar problems- for those of us who have travelled that very stumbly and rocky road .. we know it all to well and inshalah by supporting one another and listening certainly goes a long way.....God Bless

Yep !

I have also dealt & still dealing with many problems after marriage I know how hard it is !

*princess* · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclairs

ok here is my story.
i got married just after finishing my graduation and i was extremly happy about it.i wanted to make my shadi a dream wedding.it was a complete arranged marriage but i loved him truly madly and deeply.my ex-in-laws were so good with me before my shadi [i was nikah-fied to him one yr before my rukshati]and my ex-husband was so understanding .he was like m with u so u dont have to worry abt anything.after rukhsati the whole scenario changed.from the very first day they treated me like a maid.i got pregnant soon after shadi and i was hell excited abt it.but my ex werent so happy.i used to do all the house chores..i was emotionally abused and few times my ex -husband hit me so bad.but still i was quiet.i did watever they ordered me.i did everything to please my ex- and his sis n mother.i m a doctor by profession but i never w0rried abt my career,to me their pleasure was everything to me.his sister n his mother used to tell him bad stuff abt me and i was amazed that he blved them.kher the situation was getting worst day by day,i was not allowed to eat anything without their permission.seriously his mother used to lock the fridge all the time.she gave me baasi roti to eat at the time of breakfast.[i promise m not kidding at all]and stil i made no issue.because i was so happy abt my baby and i loved him. blv u me my doc adviced me to eat alot because i was just 33 kg at the time of my pregnancy .kher i once tried to talk to him abt the situation n he was like..listen if u want to live in this house u have to live with the rules which my mother sets for u.so there was no second complain from my side.i did watever they said.and i never told my parents abt all this because i never wanted them to get worried.
one day i decided to tell my elder sister abt my situation.and she was shocked[bcoz my family never expected my ex-in laws will do such stuff].she called me at once and threatened me to tell all this stuff to amma baba or else she will do that.i cried alot and requested her not to tell this to parents.she didnt tell.but she was concerned abt me.one bad day i was severely dehydrated/hypogylcemic coz i had nuthing to eat that day and i was admitted to hospital.that was the worst day of my life coz i lost my baby.i was mad..i told my parents to take me home with them.my ex- hubby said nuthing n gave me permision to go.then that was the time wen i told my parents abt everything.my soul was badly bruised .i cried like anything and my parents just didnt know wat to do.. finally after going thru discussions with the elder ones in our family they decided to get me divorce.i never wanted to be separated from him.but that was the only way out.and just after three months i was no more his wife.i swear upon ALLAh miyan i did everything to save my marriage.. but nuthing was working..!!
my ex even contacted me after 3 divorces and apologized for wat he did.he told me that he regrets wat he did but it was all over.this is the worst phase of my life so far.it has been almost an yr after my divorce but stil at times i undergo depression.i dont understand y i got such an ugly end to my marriage ,i was the girl who helped everyone.who got loads of prayers from my elders.everyone who used to meet me said that m the most sensible girl of my parents and still i got divorced.such an ugly fate.i lost him.i lost my baby.i kind of lost "my life".

now coming to the topic ..wenever i look back , i realize that there was nuthing left for me to avoid my divorce.i did everything.seriously everything.but may be it was in my fate.n m not happy abt it..but still living my life. =)

Omg reading your post brought tears to my eyes. I can't believe anyone could be so horrible. You seem to be a strong person though having gotten through all that. May Allah give you all the happiness you deserve.

redvelvet · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:12 AM

Mysticalrain,

Your in-laws sound like scum......the lowest of the low....depraved people. I'm proud of you for having the courage to escape that hell-hole!

NJMasti · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:12 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mysticalrain

eclairs.. i really pray that Allah gives you alot of strength and its true.. there are times that u cant d anything more than wat you have already done -

i got married really young too - loved him to pieces - ad pretty much gave up every single 'asaaish' to be with him - but til this day i have never regretted anything that i did to get out of that marriage - as far as i can remember i was a good bahu, wife, bhabi but no matter what i did it was never good enuff for him or his family - he was pretty abusive (i still have a mark on my neck from when he strangled me once), always after my money cuz he didnt work himself and cudnt get a decent job anywhere - so i quit my studies to work fulltime at a bank to support us - his family then moved in with us - and thats when things just got to a point where i cudnt think - i started counselling sessions with a shrink and whenevr the shrink asked me about abuse i would say NO thinking how the hell will i get out of this - i never told my parents until one day i emailed my khala and told her everything - i told her i didnt want my parents to get worried and do something but i know for a fact that if i dont leave im not going to live anymore -

my ex-in-laws used to ask me how much my accidental death benefits were thru my work and then one day i came home to my FIL speaking with someone over the phone about how he thinks he's got his hands on a jackpot thru me (he spoke about either setting the house on fire when i was alone or failing the breaks in the car so that i would die) - and after hearing that, that was it - the next day i called the cops and got escorted out of that hellhole -
filed for divorce - it took me 2 yrs to get out of that rutt! but Alhumdulillah after that i gathered the courage to trust people again and taking my parents word - i decided to give marriage another shot - and Alhumdulillah havent looked back ever since!

I dont know what else i could have done - knowing that if i stayed there any longer i would hve ended up dead!

bringing back a marriage thats on the rocks due to issues between 2 people on a level of miscommunication or misunderstandings might be resolvable - but something that involves abuse, or cheating of ANY kind doesnt really deserve a second chance - jo banda eik baar aisa kar sakta hai woh baar baar aisa kar sakta hai -

woa - was that a movie narration? Seriously? Your ex-inlaws were so low?

More power to you girl! for standing up for yourself!

Scratch · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:24 AM

All divorce stories are horrific and mostly involve one extremely opinionated and unfair individual. However, I should warn against portraying girls as victims in all the cases, and categorizing men and their families as evil. At least in the educated Pakistani circles (major urban areas within Pakistan) this is no longer the case. Things have changed much.

I know of several very recent cases where girls behaved totally irrationally and unfairly towards the husbands and their families, despite the latter party doing everything to save the marriage. In all the cases, the poor-girl-victim-card was used extremely effectively by the girls to get out of the marriage to either marry a former flame or pursue material goals after realizing that marriage and family is too much of a responsibility for them to handle. Left some very responsible, mature and decent guys wondering where did they go wrong.

NewBeginning · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:27 AM

To be honest, during my first marriage, I mostly had thoughts and after thoughts about how in the first place I could have and perhaps should have avoided the marriage, if it would have been possible to avoid it.

No regrets about my divorce though.

But I do know some people who went through painfull divorces. Both males and females. In some cases they both made mistakes, in other cases it was either the male (and sometimes his parents and sibling(s) too) who was at fault and there were cases when it was the fault of the female. In a marriage both male and female have to give up something, you can't have everything your way. You have to listen to each other, try to understand each other, sometimes you have to be silent about certain small misunderstandings, issues, unless the inlaws really go too far with insults of course, you have to draw the line somewhere.

Chicken Biryani · Jul 3rd, 2009, 03:27 AM

Mo3, Eclairs, Mysti, words cant express the sadness I felt whilst reading your experiences ... thank you for sharing such sensitive memories from your lives , you ladies are surely extremely brave to have come out of the situations so grave .

For those of you who are settled mashallah, I wish you a very happy life ahead and those who are yet struggling to come to terms with life, I hope Allah mian brings his most chosen blessings your way ..

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclairs

i think one can avoid divorce even before getting married.avoid getting married to a wrong family.u r not just getting married to a guy/girl.u r getting married to the whole family.so if they are complete strangers then I-N-V-E-S-T-I-G-A-T-E about them.about him,abt his family,his siblings and his extended family.
and secondly,man can avoid divorce by lo0king at the fact that he is not marrying a girl who has to take care of his family or his siblings.he is wholely solely responsible for taking care of them.its not her duty.if shes taking care of his family then its just because of her husn-e-ikhlaq and one shud be grateful to her.so divorce shudnt be given on this statement that she never cared abt my family.anyway.divorce can be avoided in so many ways.but wen nuthing works "Divorce" is the final deed and it is as bad as it sounds.
=)

Eclairs , you said a very important thing and I totally agree , if divorce is on the rise , perhaps its because we need to learn new ways to see through the man's family and investigate them irrespective of how honourable or honest they seem.

In many cases I feel the focus of the girl's family is on the boy's earnings and the family's status whilst finalizing a rishta .. everything else is automatically taken at face value (like believing what ever the boy's family tells the girls family and viceversa)

Quote:

Originally Posted by mysticalrain

bringing back a marriage thats on the rocks due to issues between 2 people on a level of miscommunication or misunderstandings might be resolvable - but something that involves abuse, or cheating of ANY kind doesnt really deserve a second chance - jo banda eik baar aisa kar sakta hai woh baar baar aisa kar sakta hai -

Mystical , you are absolutely right , this is one of the grave mistakes that men and inlaws make .. they think their bahu is vulnerable , and will carry on taking the abuse being sent her way. In my opinion such individuals should be reported to the police immediately and I am extremely glad you did just that.

I feel sorry for those mothers who raise such idiotic, coward sons who have the audacity to raise thier hands on women ... such absolute losers they are and so are their parents for not realizing their child's upbringing intime.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NewBeginning

But I do know some people who went through painfull divorces. Both males and females. In some cases they both made mistakes, in other cases it was either the male (and sometimes his parents and sibling(s) too) who was at fault and there were cases when it was the fault of the female. In a marriage both male and female have to give up something, you can't have everything your way. You have to listen to each other, try to understand each other, sometimes you have to be silent about certain small misunderstandings, issues, unless the inlaws really go too far with insults of course, you have to draw the line somewhere.

NB, you have highlighted it very very beautifully the points that lead to a successfull marriage. I hope more people out there can realize the importance of this institution, Allah blessed us with this beautiful concept of Marriage to make our lives smoother and to keep us civilized and sane ... however unfortunately there are many amongst us who make it exactly the opposite experience for their spouses through their mentality and actions.

fayax · Jul 3rd, 2009, 06:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by eclairs

and someone said in last divorce thread "taali dono haath se bajti hai" ..but divorce is not a taali.its a thappar.which just needs one hand .

This statement pretty much sums it all up.

Chicken Biryani · Jul 3rd, 2009, 07:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scratch

All divorce stories are horrific and mostly involve one extremely opinionated and unfair individual. However, I should warn against portraying girls as victims in all the cases, and categorizing men and their families as evil. At least in the educated Pakistani circles (major urban areas within Pakistan) this is no longer the case. Things have changed much.

I know of several very recent cases where girls behaved totally irrationally and unfairly towards the husbands and their families, despite the latter party doing everything to save the marriage. In all the cases, the poor-girl-victim-card was used extremely effectively by the girls to get out of the marriage to either marry a former flame or pursue material goals after realizing that marriage and family is too much of a responsibility for them to handle. Left some very responsible, mature and decent guys wondering where did they go wrong.

Scratch, I do agree with you somewhat that its not always men to be blamed ... Infact I know of four cases where the girls came with preconcieved notions of a fairy tale life , and couldnt deal with the reality of compromise with the guy and inlaws ... and eventually got divorced but later two of them accepted that things could have been different with a bit of compromise ..

Both man and a woman enter a marriage at the same time , but its alot more stressful for the girl then it is for the guy, i might be wrong ... i feel that way coz a girl leaves behind her comfort zone to enter a new environment where she is expected to be perfect from day one.

At that time the only thing that keeps her going amidst the teething issues is her husbands honest support. But if the husband lacks that , then clearly a flame can turn into a fireball. I think thats where some men fail .... they fail to balance out between their responsibilities of managing own relationship which is fairly new, plus facilitating wife's relationship with the inlaws , plus facilitating own relationship with parents and siblings.

Tayyebeh · Jul 3rd, 2009, 09:48 AM

I'm so sorry for all those of you girls who went through such terrible marriage problems...

Oddly enough I've got an accquaintance who told me she would never ever divorce her husband no matter what he did to her, instead she would tell everyone how he abused her in order to make him look bad among the Muslim community. She believes if a girl divorces her husband and has a daughter with him that daughter will never be able to marry into a good family due to her mother's "weakness of leaving the man"...In her opinion staying within such a marriage is a sign of strength.

Now don't get me wrong my friend isn't physically abused or anything she is fine, but I find her whole view completely out of the world. Islam gave us the right to divorce, nobody deserves to be humiliated like that.

PSquared · Jul 3rd, 2009, 01:21 PM

Wow...thank you for sharing your experiences ladies. Im speechless...at the nastiness of the families and also at how courageous you girls were.

I will say one thing: Even though we should refrain from portraying inlaws and husbands as evil...it is most of the time the case with divorces. Where the hubby cannot and has not learned to balance his marriage and parents. He hasnt been educated on what his wife's rights are. He hasnt been told what his responsibilities are towards her. Its important to note how our society works and how girls are viewed even now as "not as lucrative" as boys and are a "boj". Even though practically speaking boys and girls make the same amount of money and contribute equally to a household...the mentality is still there. Why is jehez so important? Because a girl coming alone with nothing else isnt as valuable as one coming with a bedroom set, cash, gold and a car. She has to add value to herself buy buying material things.

Divorce can be avoided by investigating and finding out more about the guy by asking questions, observing, talking to friends, etc. You should NEVER finalize after one meeting...which some people do. Its bewaqoofi in my opinion to agree after the initial meeting...no matter how wonderful they seem. If they are so wonderful, they should have no problem meeting again and again and again. It can also be avoided by allowing the couple to communicate with each other...before engagement and nikah. This allows couples to explore each other's mentalities on life and how they want to live it. And no, one conversation isnt enough. Parents shouldnt focus on how much he makes...more on how educated he is and how open minded he is. Education doesnt necessarily make people progressive...thats also a common misconception. A man can be educated but as backward as any paindu you've met. Ive met educated men who are of the opinion that women shouldnt leave the house without permission from his parents. You have to explore, explore, explore and make sure a thousand times that this is IT. If the people are nice, they will have no problem dealing with your questions and concerns.

Even then, if things get worse and you have to leave the man...its alright. You will find a man who appreciates you for who and what you are. Every single experience we have makes us the people we are today. Maybe if you hadnt gotten divorced, you would never have understood life the way you do today. There is always a silver lining, no matter how horrible of a situation you are in. You just have to look for it...sometimes a lot harder then usual.

Ladies, please dont be discouraged or think your life is over...its not. Allah swt only gives us as much as we can handle. Maybe we are in a position to really appreciate our true soul mates. Maybe we were too naive at the time. Maybe we needed something to help wisen us up to life and how smart we need to be. Maybe we were meant to teach the people who wronged us something. You dont know the "why's" all the time so dont think about them. Just know you're out of whatever horrific situation you were in and now you're free to live life as YOU please and on YOUR terms. No one else's.

FairyTale · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:03 PM

I am so afraid of getting married now

AnGeL EyEs · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:05 PM

^ dont be. marriage is a gamble...either u win or lose but you will never know til you try. if you dont you will spend the rest of your life wondering..."what if".

it's up the couple to make a marriage work just make sure you research and look into their personal relationships before taking the plunge.

fayax · Jul 3rd, 2009, 02:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AnGeL EyEs

^ dont be. marriage is a gamble...either u win or lose but you will never know til you try. if you dont you will spend the rest of your life wondering..."what if".

it's up the couple to make a marriage work just make sure you research and look into their personal relationships before taking the plunge.

oye! you mean to call me a gambler then?