Sunset_Eyes

So whats your brothers relationship like with your father? Or you hubby's relationship with his father? Do they get on? Do they have limited contact because of some history between them? Are they close? If not, why?

How can they make their relationship better if they dont get on in the first place?

My dad and bro do NOT get on at all. They dont even speak. Couple of years ago, my brother got involved in a family business which he was not interested in and lost out on a year at uni because of that! If you locked these 2 in a cage, i dont know who would start eating the other one first. Anyway, since then they always seems to be arguing. Now dad is quite old but mashallah does things for himself. Brother doesnt help on his accord but has to be told!! Basically both are stubborn and will NOT sit down and talk things through!

What can i do to make things better? I am also 7 months pregnant and dad moans about bro to me - asking me to pass this msg and that msg to bro but i dont as i know bro will NOT listen and will only patronise me instead. I have just realised that maybe when the baby comes inshallah, attention will go on the baby and they will forget their probs and maybe maye make up.....

Or am i just dreaming?

Amour

sad to hear, but i have seen such cases where father and sons dont trust each other at all.

I never had this my father, we get along well as i respect my father always, even sometime I am not happy what he is doing, some time I dont even protest and sometime i do but mildly so it doesnt hurt him at all. he also have been there for me always and i try my best to keep him happy as possible. I think father son relationship evolve overtime, in early age its more authritative and guidance and with son getting older fathers should change total control behavior, but i guess some keeps this hanging on and that create resentment in new blooded minds.

how much bad father is treating your borther, he should respect his father no matter what, that will ultimately create some respect in his father eyes too eventually. Mothers can make bridge in some situations, she can talk and tone down both of them.

Iconoclast

Baby won't make a difference, they need a good arbitrator and once they reconcile, they shud not talk about their past issues.

lady_lama

My father and brother dont get along eithr. and their not talking to each other coz of a fight me and my brother had. He was out of line with the things he said to me and my father couldn't stay neutral even tho i tried to not get him involved. My father in my brothers early age never new how to be with his first born and coz my brother was always dodgy and doing stupid things he would ocnstantly be getting told off and beaten but that was his fault i suppose i wouldnt blame my dad. my brother recently came back home coz he was chucked out for 2 years for wanting to marry a hindu and when he came back he seemed like he was more maturer and what not but things r slowly getting back to normal coz he's not changed

i think it depends on both parties. both of them need to come to a compromise, my dad has tried an awful lot to get along with my brother but for sum reason he keeps effing up what i mean to say is with my experience is that i suppose theres too much testosterone between the two and me and my mother are usually trying to calm the situation down.


I think u shud speak to ur father about getting u involved while ur heavily pregnant. Its not nice that ur brother has to start on u aswell. And i dont think the baby will sort things out either as the person above me said. As for trying to fix things good luck coz weve been trying for 9 years now lol. All problems are from allah just try and look forward to the new addition to ur family =)

Good luck

Sunset_Eyes

Thank you for your replies guys...

Ladylama i agree that there is alot of testosterone but why cant my brother see that this man, who is our father is old and fragile. He has got a big op coming soon and needs support and more help would be appreciated. On the other hand, why cant my father see that all through my brothers life, he has not supported him and he should start now before his op if Khuda na Khasta something happens...

The fact that dad tells me all this between him and my bro, i just take it in from 1 ear and out the other. To be honest, I have never disrespected my parents and its hard for me to answer back and all i say is yes yes yes...

Right now im thinking that i need to take care of myself and I need to give priority to my baby. I am not passing their msgs to one another! I dont know....its a test from Allah Tallah cuz our family is going thru alot at the moment and all i keep thinking that inshallah things will get better...

McPendo

My father and i go shooting teetars its freaking awesome!

lady_lama

I can so relate to u sunset.. It seems like whatever ur saying ive been there done that. My brother has been really bad with regards to respect towards my father and since i am a daddies girl this hurts me alot, Then again i dont like to see or feel the tension in my house coz when my dads pissed off my brothers upstairs and shuts himself away. Its never been nice but believe me i dont think theres anything u can directly do fix their feud. Ur dad will always think he's right and ur brother will always think he's right. Just keep doing dua. Ramadhans coming up use that as ur opportunity after evry fast to pray for ur dad and brother. I feel like my ramadhan prayers helped us get over the worst of the ituation. Now its come to the point where evrybodys accepted this is the way it is and if none of them change this is the way it will continue to be. The only thing u can do is samjaa both of them whenever appropriate but for now all u shud b concentrating on is ur baby.

I pray things do get better for u Inshallah

Naz-O-Nakhra

I think your father needs to ask him out of the house and let him (your bro) earn the money or make him responsible for everything your father's been doing for all these years... the thing with us kids ( yes including my self too) that we take everything for granted.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth, yet took everything for granted but when I had to move out and face the reality, it wasn't fun at all.. but it was all worth it ( I woudn't change it for the world)

I think your father has to trust your brother in making decisions, but your brother has to take these major steps on his own without depending on anyone... that's the only way he would respect the father/son relation ship.. and for you, don't take it to your heart, you are pregnant for crying out loud.. where is your husband, what does he has to say about it?

Naz-O-Nakhra

Speaking of my brothers and their relationship with my dad.. well, they all get along well.. they listen to my dad hence they are where they are... because they know one thing for sure.. no matter how successful they can be, but when they are in a mess, my father is the only person can take them out of it.. so they very much listen to him even at time it seems like "OMG.. really we have to do this".. hehe

lady_lama

^ i agree with N's first post totally. If my bro was able to handle household decisions and take adult decisions i think him and my dad would have a better relationship

soni27

maybe it is best if they dont talk bcs theyll just keep fighting n screaming at eachother. so it is better to have some peace instead of going thrru hell again and again n upsetting everyone in the house and obviously themselves nd especially ur poor old father..

Sunset_Eyes

Thanks for your reply again LL.
Yes i do respect my parents alot and i hate it when my sis and bro talk to my parents rudely! It really enrages me inside that they do so much yet they have the cheek to talk to them like that! I guess they are angry inside but they need grow up. Both of them never sit together and never come in each others sight which is so hurtful to see. Yes, you are right that i should just keep doing dua and thats all i am doing. I will never be able to make them understand as both are very stubborn.

Thanks for your kind reply NON.
I dont want my brother to move out the house. Ofcourse he was away for uni but that was it. Even to this day, sometimes my mum takes food for them upstairs. They do take my parents for granted and i dont like that. I want them to show them some appreciation.

NON, its hard not to take it to heart. Sometimes, it effects me so much that i start crying. I even break down during my namaaz. I really want to tell my dad not to discuss this with me as im pregnant and mentally, phyically and esp emotionally, i cant take it anymore - but thats impossible as i know dad just needs to relieve some stress so i let him talk. But at the same time, i really feel sorry for my brother as my dad makes feel like s*it and just wants to cut him out of his life - i know he would love to have a normal healthy father son relationship. This makes me cry and stress even more....oh God! Just writing this is killing me inside and i wish i could just click my fingers and everything would be ok.

We came back from my parents place yesterday and father spoke to my hubby and hubby said exactly the same thing as you - let bro do whatever and dad needs to take it easy as he has got a bypass coming up. Inshallah brother will realise soon that he needs to take some responsibilty. Dad listened but not sure if it registered. I hope inshallah it does.

Soni, thats the last thing i want in my family. There is going to be a baby coming inshallah and i dont want the baby to be growing up in an environment where there are shouting matches taking place.

Naz-O-Nakhra

^^ hmmm... it does sound really sad.. but do you think putting your health in line is the answer here? Although, I have never experienced it my self, but it's normal not to have a picture perfect relationship with your parents... that's how we all learn, as long as the respect remains the same rest will come with time... like I said before, your brother needs to be self-ruling and make his own decisions ( even if they suck).. that's the only way he will learn to respect your father... and for you girl, you need a good Strawberry milk shake and forget your worries... worries will come you wrinkles, wont take away anything... moot point

RupayHalwa

Sunset_eyes, this son/father relationship breakdown is not as uncommon as you think. 3rd parties (i.e. YOU!) can try to do as much as you can to fix things but in the end, it boils down to the individuals themselves to find it within themselves to fix it. Your brother and father have to take the actions for themselves, and it has to come from within them.

Speak to your mum, tell her how much you are upset by this, how much pressure you are being put under, ask her to make your dad understand that this is affecting your pregnancy, then he might back off and think about what he is doing.

Don't make this your burden to bear, it is your brother and father's burden. Let it work itself out with time. If you must, tell your dad yourself that his msg passing is making you upset and stressed at this time, and refuse politely to do it.

Don't be sad, you are praying for them, inshallah they will work it out in their own way, in their own time.