Need Serious Suggestions *bummer* - Page 2

Mabrook · Jul 5th, 2009, 02:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by djmi

I agree with the above posters as well. Your friend is the one with problems,
this is a case of abuse from the man, its very clear cut what Mehnaz has said, they make their wives look crazy while they play victim.
His wife must be really sick of him to be wanting a "faysla".
Your friend took her to the docs in pakistan to show she's crazy, in front of her family and relatives.
If he genuinely cared and loved her then he shouldnt feel "humiliated" at all to take her to the doctors.
"My friend is in such a dilemma, he can't leave her and dun wanna stay with her"
To be honest your friend needs to show full commitment to his wife. If he feels this way that he doesnt want to stay with her then he should end it. The way he's been treating her, shows he's the one with problems.

the way i'm looking at it is she doesn't really want "faisala" its just sumething she says either out of anger or helplessness. also as the friend says abt her having sum sense of superiority coz she has six brothers then why she came back to him once he has sent her to pak. a girl with ego will know it better how to drive her husband nuts n use her kid as a weapon which doesn't seem the case here.

Mehnaz · Jul 5th, 2009, 09:32 AM

Marriage counselling usually does not work without each party going for individual seperate counselling. Especially in cases of abuse, it will never work unless the abuser realizes he has a problem and seeks professional help first BEFORE marriage counselling.

A lot of times, in marriage counselling, the abuser is able to manipulate the situation to their advantage which is why most counsellors dealing with victims of abuse suggest separation counselling (individually) first.

Simply Seema · Jul 6th, 2009, 12:59 PM

Thanks Lady Lama and Red Velvet, I'll forward these suggestions to my friend, hopefully sumthing might work out. I am also trying 2 find out some of her close friends 2 figure wat she actually wants.

n for the rest of u guys tx alot for ur input much appreciated but seriously na is it so hard to believe that for once a women can be on the wrong side of the equation? I bet if i wud hv posted sum thing similar in which the guy was abusive ev1 wud hv strtd bashing the guy left n right, no questiones asked. Is this a desi thing? thinking that in a relation ship women is always the victim??? are we as women is superior ?? I seriously dun get it na, both genders have the same capability of screwing up them selves.

as far as this case is concernd I wud like 2 belive she is a good mom coz ev mother is but she calls her own son things like a$$**** / bas****/shi***** in social gatherings, wat kind of mother does that.
n for such concerns like y I dun think that the guy is wrong over here, I have been close friends with him for past 25 yrs (n plz spare me the "a girl n guy can never b friends" lecture, I dun hv time 4 it n I dun respond 2 it v well) I hv seen how he respects/treats his mother/sisters/cousins/female friends. I know how softspoken n non violent he is or more appropriately he was. I am witnessing how hard he's trying to still make this thing work out. If he just wanted to get away from the relationship he wud hv dun it yrs ago, no body is stopping him in doing that. It's far much easier 4 him then 2 go thru all this wat he goes thru ev day. If my spouse(to be) gives any stupid gali 2 my parents, I'll break his jaw instantly n I am a girl. He's a guy.
You know wat I think, it seems more like that the girl was forced into this marriage n she still hv some links with her past n now she's a citizen over here n she dun want 2 loose the custody of the child also so may b she's looking sum way out like. May b that's y she didn't ever said she wanted 2 come back when she was in pakistan, my friend was the one who brought her back. but this is just an assumption n I dun want 2 assume any thing.

Mirch · Jul 6th, 2009, 01:57 PM

@ SS.

This woman needs psychiatric evaluation and treatment. She is in deep depression. Inshallah she will be fine once her treatment starts.
Been there done that , meaning I have seen many men and women with this kind of personality and issue after the treatment starte ,they are doing fine Mashaallah and living a normal healthy life.

snowy_winter · Aug 29th, 2009, 08:50 PM

Wow....some very biased responses from some of our "enlightened" feminist guppans. I guess it proves what I believe to be true for a long time. Most "enlightened" women just can't stomach the fact that some women CAN be bad. Its kinda blatantly embarassing how they have concluded from the story that its the guy who's the devil.
I guess this is the breed of women who will blame their husbands even if a stray dog bit them..... u MUST have done something to irritate the poor dog !!!

Anyways, if the woman is in fact that unstable then the guy shudn't have any problem getting custody, sending her back home and finding a nice, stable woman.

PSquared · Aug 29th, 2009, 09:00 PM

I just find it hard to believe that the entire blame lies on the woman and NONE at all on the man. She is being made out to be a devil and he isnt?

I think he is doing everything he can to get out of this marriage because he is not physically attracted to her...this includes blaming her and making her out to be a psycho.

There are always two sides to a story and anyone who is afraid to hear the girl's side is too narrow minded to be bothered with.

snowy_winter · Aug 29th, 2009, 09:08 PM

I think you are presuming that I believe the guy's side of story. I specifically said that IF what he says is true then he shudn't have any problem getting out of it. I doub't if he can "fake" her being bad and still be successful in a divorce and getting custody especially in a country like US. So if thats true, then he can/shud get out of it, if not then he won't be able to get the custody of the son.

Somehow I don't see how one can came to the conclusion (from the info presented) that he's doing everything he can to get out of this marriage and that he is not physically attracted to her.

PSquared · Aug 29th, 2009, 09:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simply Seema

One of my closest friend is having issues in his marriage and I dun hv a clue abt relationships so I thought to gain sum wisdom over here and then pass it 2 him.

2 give u a background idea, my friend has been living in U.S for past 15 years, he got married couple of yrs ago thru the arranged marriage route. He didn't knew much about her n jus had met once before the wedding. He hv sum concerns initially coz the girl was over weight but then his family esp his father took his sahi ki class and he had to oblige.

to keep the story short his life has been literally a hell since then, the girl seem to have self-esteem and security issues. She is literally v abusive to her husband, I mean she'll call him abusive words which even the guys can't say over pity issues. It's been 5 yrs since they got married and the situation is worsening day by day. they hv fights ev single day. last week she tried to hurt her self with a broken glass and when the guy tried to stop her she attacked him and he cut his hand. 911 pays regular visits 2 their place for the domestic violence going on.

at 1st encounter she seems a decent girl but when a person starts talking to her the personality issues become evident. she thinks ev 1 around her is her enemy and is tyring to hurt her. she behaves more like a guy then a gal, becoming loud and harsh on smaller ev day things. My friend enrolled her in an accounting coarse so that she gets out of house which might change her way of thinking but she's not ready to do a job. he again enrolled her in a para medics coarse but she's not ready to sit in the licence exam. She gets a reasonable budgeted amount for house hold expenses and pocket money, still she makes stupid demands for expensive shoes and bags watching wat other wives are having. my friend earns well but there is a limit for evthing and if he denies then she degrades him v badly saying things like "tum tau mard hi nahin hau, tum kissi qabil nahin hau" n other crap like this. she literally gives ghattya galiyan to her husband. he's a guy n he gets raged and the situation worsens.

last yr his parents came to visit him and the girl behaved very bad with them also, she created such a fuss and behaved so badly with his parents that my friend has 2 take them 2 a hotel instead. His father was so embarrased and felt so miserable becuase he's the one who had arranged the marriage with his friend's daughter but the girl's father has already died.my friend has stayed away frm his parents fo so many years now he wants them to visit him and stay sum time with him in their last days but that can't happen. And it's not that the girl is immature or jahil, she's 30+ and did graduation but her behavior is like a pind ki larki. When she gets angry she dun even realize wat or 2 whom she is saying.

My friend wud hv easily left her but they hv a child, a son of around 3 1/2 yrs old n he luvs her son soooooooo much. he says that in this age the child needs both his parents n my friend him self can't live with out his son. but all this daily routine is impacting the kid also, the kid use to b happy, care free child now he just sits in isolated places n keeps quiet, he doesn't interact with other kids.

As a last resort my friend has sent her wife back to pakistan and sent a message to her family that get her treated sum where or knock sum sense into her. she'has 2 change her behavior owise no need 2 come back. but he was unable to live with out his son so after six months he hv to call her back. she's the only sister of six brothers may b that's the false sense of security which makes her do such silly and daring things. ev single day she asks her husband to do her "faysla". my friend took her to a marriage councellar and a psycatrist but she created a drama over there also. she throws things and shouts on ev 1 around her when she gets angry.

My friend is in such a dilemma, he can't leave her and dun wanna stay with her. what's the point of staying in a relationship when there is no love or more then that no respect for each other. it seems like that he had aged twice his age in the past 5 yrs. he's use 2 b such a nice and caring person, full of life but this relation ship has got the best out of him. he use 2 b so active in the social circle but now he's out of all of that. he doesn't concentrate on his job.

I dun hv any idea wat to suggest my friend, I dun understand intimate relationships so I try to avoid giving him suggestion. I simply can't understand why she wants ruin her own home. if God forbid sumthing bad happens she's the one who's going to hv all the drawbacks.

He isnt attracted to her physically and I bolded the part to show where the OP says that. The last bolded part serves to show how majboor and lachar this guy really is in his own home. If he really is that much of a bechara...then he should have had some serious trouble getting her on a plane and sending her back home with a message to straighten her out. It makes no logical sense to anyone who looks at it that the guy is an ANGEL and the girl is the DEVIL.

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowy_winter

Wow....some very biased responses from some of our "enlightened" feminist guppans. I guess it proves what I believe to be true for a long time. Most "enlightened" women just can't stomach the fact that some women CAN be bad. Its kinda blatantly embarassing how they have concluded from the story that its the guy who's the devil.
I guess this is the breed of women who will blame their husbands even if a stray dog bit them..... u MUST have done something to irritate the poor dog !!!

Anyways, if the woman is in fact that unstable then the guy shudn't have any problem getting custody, sending her back home and finding a nice, stable woman.

In this post, you go ahead and take the man's side because you feel an educated woman is a feminist. Someone who stands for what they believe in is not necessarily a feminist...just someone who has the guts to do and say what they want. Now, in some villages this is considered to be out of character for a woman to do. I can understand if that is the case with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowy_winter

I think you are presuming that I believe the guy's side of story. I specifically said that IF what he says is true then he shudn't have any problem getting out of it. I doub't if he can "fake" her being bad and still be successful in a divorce and getting custody especially in a country like US. So if thats true, then he can/shud get out of it, if not then he won't be able to get the custody of the son.

Somehow I don't see how one can came to the conclusion (from the info presented) that he's doing everything he can to get out of this marriage and that he is not physically attracted to her.

Im not presuming anything. Take a look at your own words and you might see how biased and slanted you sound towards the man JUST because the poster has managed to show/portray him as the victim. I can rewrite the same thing from her perspective and you might believe me too. No worries.

It takes an enlightened person to see past what they are shown and look for themselves.

Sara516 · Aug 29th, 2009, 09:47 PM

it is not possible that 1 person can be the devil and 1 is an angel. There's always 2 sides to the situation.

we're only getting 1 person's account of it.

snowy_winter · Aug 29th, 2009, 09:48 PM

You sound annoyed. I think we should also accept differing views.... bottomline, in the light of the information presented to us, I think the guy's the victim and you think the girl's an angel and the guy's a devil.... so lets leave it at that.

Just an honest answer... if a girl posted half the stuff on this forum that has been presented from the guy's side, wouldn't there be SO MANY "he's a jerk"... "divorce him" and "you can do so much better" remarks ??

And yes, I think its perfectly understandable/obligatory to stand up for your rights.

CuteGurl · Aug 29th, 2009, 11:14 PM

Maybe is hard fr ppl to recognise wid this cuz in this case a female isnt the victim but knw fr afact tht this happens n is possible.

when an arm is infacted n hurts badly with the probablity tht the infection will spread further it is better to cut it from a persons body.easier said tha done i know..its sucha vital part of a body tht it cnt be an easy decision but if not done on time itll cause death!
Similarily if this case is taken anyfurther is can have DANGEROUS effects on the childs brain & upbringing.If the father loves his child like u told he does he needs to *either stop the constant fights between they somehw or the other or let the wife go*

Since wife has had numerous councelling sessions he has enough to prove her insanity in court n to say shes n unfit parent.If this is not n option & cant happen for any reason watso ever he NEEDS to let the child go to.Maybe Allah is testing his sabar (patience) im sure if the mothers characteristics are so loud n abusive the child will sooner or later know y his dad did wat he did n at tht time it must have been a right thing to do.There r more chances the child will understand tht n not blame him than if he sees this kind of abusive activity everyday n grow up with this.

The consequences that the child can face watching constant fights between their parents are:

Research has shown & measured current depression and lifetime suicide attempts, intimate partner violence, violence against children and alcohol dependence in those people who had been a victim of parents bickering all the time.

Watevr consequences i have written trust me are in the most decent form this gets much more ugly in real life.

If the father really loves his son as much as he says he should get himself n his child out of it.its a huge huge HUGE thing to do i cnt even imagine the pain but wat has to be done has to be done! the child is 3.5 at an age he is picking up things "GET HIM OUT OF THT HOUSE"

***As i have discussed bfr my bestfriend who married at the age of 19 faced similar problems in her marriage.She is the most gorgeous,loving & kind human being u wld ever come across with a daughter whos an angel but unfortunately the husband was much much worse than the lady u have described.He was so voilent n abusive tht n example of his act was tht he broke a glass on her head while she was pregnant n thn hit her head against the wall making her fall n faint!
After just 2yrs of marriage she ran for her life n came back to her parents who still insist her to somehow fix things an go back.Its a daily struggle fr her but if she can do it anyone can.Have the truts n faith in the heart tht continuing wld help no one but just destroy the life of the child.
Thats all i can say...

Hope it Helps!

CM · Aug 29th, 2009, 11:42 PM

Psquared I find it really odd that you never post such comments when men are blamed in a marriage situation. Hypocrasy much?

Sahar02 · Aug 29th, 2009, 11:55 PM

She does sound clinically depressed to me. Nothing will change until she gets help. And even then it may mean the end of their marriage. But I hope it will bring about better times.

PSquared · Aug 30th, 2009, 02:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CM

Psquared I find it really odd that you never post such comments when men are blamed in a marriage situation. Hypocrasy much?

Why is it odd for me to want to hear the other side of the story? How is it hypocritical to be curious about this woman?

I dont understand how you can read her post and think "bad wife" when there are so many contradictions in her story. Its full of holes and you expect me to believe it?

Sorry CM, you're definitely not on top of your game today.

Sahar02 · Aug 30th, 2009, 07:13 AM

^ Actually don't find this hard to believe at all because I have seen women like this. One marriage is still going. The other is not. There are maturity issues here obviously. But I think there are also depression issues.

bigdaddy · Aug 30th, 2009, 09:20 AM

Real sad situation especially for the kid who is being mentally abused by the mom. She should be imprisoned for doing that. Seek professional help for the kid and initial legal action against the psycho woman.

sabi_13 · Aug 30th, 2009, 01:38 PM

women can be bad - i've seen many too... tauba astaghfaar-- don't ask how they're

naqsa · Aug 30th, 2009, 02:13 PM

I know it's hard for most people to believe but some women can be brutally abusive towards their husbands. I got to know of one recently and it was shocking to see how a woman can be so adamant on doing things that are destroying her marriage, her relationship with her family, neglecting her children! It's sickening that someone would do that but it does happen. We have to take Seema's word for it...this may be one of those exceptional circumstances.

kaun · Aug 30th, 2009, 02:26 PM

Salaam SS,

After reading your post, obviouly we shouldn`t come to a conclusion about either party as there has to be something thats feeding her paranoia, i mean taali kabhi bhi ek haath sey nahi bajtee, lekin to be honest as this is havingg a negative effect on the kid i would suggest this couple to live separately for some time to figure things out and think this through, and if after this time they still think things are going to be the same then i believe its apparent enough that they should take their separate ways. Khair i wish them the best and hopefully as both of them are mature enough should come to a right decision.

Deeba1234 · Aug 30th, 2009, 03:28 PM

What sort of person feels 'humiliated' taking their wife/husband to a doctor or therapist??? Sending her 'back home' to get sorted out is the coward's way out and I'd seriously question whether he loves her cos if he did he would have wanted to help sort the problem out where he lives. A normal husband/wife would encourage their spouse to seek help and hold their hand along the way, not feel 'humiliated' or embarassed by it.