redvelvet

Sometimes they fall in love in such a scenario and other times they don't. Can't generalize.

For some......they really do fall in love with their partner after getting to know him/her

For some.....they may not feel that passionate love.......but they accept their fate/kismat.......and that motivates them to develop consideration/tolerance/respect/some form of love for their partner.

And as mentioned earlier.....there are still some......who weren't in love from the get go........and don't fall in love later on either.

Khumar

so, you don't want them to accept their fate and instead come here and write 5 pages long qaseedas about it?

Maverick_27

good analysis

Naabigh

could be some weird fantasy bruv what can I say !

But I have a cure to suggest - read Azmat chuGta'ii 's ' GaRam Lehaf ' and Manto's ' Kali shalwar' - the minute you Gona finish reading - every thing will be appearing as BaliG for you

redvelvet

No, I think 10 page qaseedas would be more appropriate.

And I never said, that one should or should not accept their fate. I simply gave an example of a reason, DUH!

And should one accept their "fate"? Well, that depends. It's a difficult question to answer. One has to make the effort to do things for themselves in life. If you can't pay the bills because you don't have a job........and at the same time you NEVER make the effort to look for a job........you can't put all the blame on fate for being broke. If you're being pressured for a rishta you're not interested in......and you never open your mouth or do something about it...........then deal with the consequences. How much would you blame fate......and how much blame would you place on yourself? For a woman who is being beaten up by her husband.....and who has the means to find a way to support herself in a halal way.........but she does nothing because she "blames it on fate".......and that "society will be brutal to a divorced woman, therefore I must accept my kismat with a lousy husband." What say of that situation? Should fate just be accepted or should one move their haath pair and do something? "Fate" is a difficult topic to discuss.

Is this "qaseeda" long enough, oh "respectful" and "tactful" Channel Manager Sahib?

naive

[QUOTE=
WHO HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS, SHARE YOUR STORIES![/QUOTE]

idon't know abt marriage but i was forcefully engaged to my fiance now after 1 year im deeply madly in love with him to b honest he's not a very good looking guy or rich but he's extremely caring and loving person,respects my family, and my inlaws are very loving too alhamdulilah

naive

i guess parents know better whats good for us.

Khumar

RV aunty, i wasn't really addressing your post, i was commenting on the thread opener's post. But now that you have decided to reply to my post, let me just say this. Life is not always a bed of roses. Sometimes you have to accept what you have. And instead of living in the past, or the what ifs, for the sake of family, for the sake of your own sanity, one has to accept what fate's given to them, because we are not as insightful as Him to understand what He has planned for us. As long as the other spouse isn't abusive, as long as he/she doesn't create dramas, what is wrong with living with them and then eventually figuring them out and in the end, yes, falling in love with them? I don't exactly know where you're coming up with teh divorced situation or whatever, since clearly I never brought it up. Again, I wil reiterate, I am talking solely about the good spouses. Divorce isn't a solution when there is nothing wrong with the spouse except for the fact that he/she wasn't of your choosing. The reasons for a divorce are a whole different topic on the other hand.

Is that clear enough for ya or should i bold, italicize and add unnecessary long ellipses and color coordinate my post, oh wise resident therapist of Life 1? =)

Entisar

Me Khamosh

(Jub burey bolthey hey chotey sunthey he)

Little Princess

jalebi121

I have asked myself this same question many times! My phupo really likes cousin marriage and pressurized her first two kids to do it. The eldest son even talked to my mom out of despair before the nikah but my phupo didn't care.

The daughter had it much harder, she literally was crying and saying no. But then my uncle took her on a trip to Pakistan 'just' for engagement, which turned out to be nikah. But now both get along well with their spouses (well the girl does minimally), and my mom actually looks bad, because my phupo is like 'see they are happy idk what you were saying about them crying'...and their family thinks we're jealous that we didn't get any cousins to marry us. My mom says yeh saray jhootay naatak karte hain and she is not listening to anyone now. I don't think they were doing naatak, it's just that being dependent and close to a person everyday naturally makes you want to fall in love with them.

RupayHalwa

U don't have to be in love with someone to sleep with them... Consider this commonly held Islamic belief where the wife has to accomodate the husband's needs in bed, so if they r married without love and the wife accepts this is her husband, she will sleep with him, but it doesn't necessarily mean she will love him.

???

RupayHalwa

I find this a really good reply, but does anyone else see how ironic it is that the 5 stages of grief can apply to something that is usually one of the most joyful occasions of one's life?

I agree, after acceptance, you have scope for love to grow.

RupayHalwa

How sad, there is a word that can be used to describe a man like that... and it isn't "basket".

RupayHalwa

Valid observations, and here's a question on feeling passionate love - Isn't passionate love usually TEMPORARY anyway? I mean doesn't it usually recede in any relationship with time and settle into a more stable everyday kind of love, that u probably get in most marriages, arranged or otherwise, anyway?



Explain yourself clearly please, Khumar. What do u mean.

pink candle

well ..it does not happen all the time that u fall in love with that person whon u get married too...i have seen many cases when a partner does not accept the other even after nikkah...wat shud be done then??

redvelvet

Yes, the "passion" does recede because many relationships.......including marriage......evolve, Rupay.

But, I do feel that in the beginning of a marriage.....there should be that "passion".....that keeps the spark in the going. So you have fond memories to look back on when you're older.....as opposed to a worn out feeling of resignation at your kismat when you were younger. Maybe this sounds silly. Hard to explain.

redvelvet

Khumar Dadi,

Aap ko bold/italacize/color karna main koi pabandi to nahin hai. And I didn't said that people should NEVER accept their fate. Nor did i say that life was a bed of roses. Needless to say, it isn't.

I implied in my post that one has to have a BALANCE. Should I color, bold, or italicize this concept? Our religion emphasizes staying in the middle ground as opposed to veering off on one extreme or the other. Believing that everything that has happened is a result of "fate" without making the effort to move your own hands and feet is not right either. You make the effort to do what is good for you........and then you accept what is in your fate.

As far as marriage is concerned, yes, divorce is the last resort. You have the obligation to make it work. No man or woman is perfect....and one can tolerate a few flaws and try to concentrate on the many positive aspects of the individual. In my example, I was talking about extreme situations where maybe the spouse has been given multiple chances and the ZULM is overwhelming........and if a woman has the ability to support herself independently, she can make the effort to get out of the situation. To commit zulm and to tolerate zulm are BOTH wrong situations. If you have the ability to do something.......then do it! When you've given the situation YOUR BEST EFFORT.......and things are only getting worse.........and there's a way out...........use it.....as opposed to resigning yourself to "fate." Allah HAS ALSO given us FREE WILL and REASON/AQAL/INTELLECT to help ourselves. I was using marriage/divorce as a general example......not in reference to your post.


Can you imagine if Prophet Ibrahim had said......"Oh I was born in a family that worships many gods.......so therefore it is my KISMAT to follow the wrong beliefs of my forefathers because it runs in my blood. If i was born into this fate, I should accept it." But he didn't do that. He used his intellect and started questioning things.......he tried to guide his people......and his actions helped to make his kismat different from his ancestors.

The Prophet SAWS had said in a hadith that "Tie your camel first and then put your trust in Allah." What this means is that although the fate of the camel will ultimately be decided by Allah....................you have the responsibility of taking the necessary precautions to to ensure your own safety and success. Even dua requires action.

Once again, I'm not advocating that we NEVER accept fate. IF something has happened to you that is BEYOND your control that you know you can't change.......accept your fate, and count your blessings. However......in situations where you do have the ability to help yourself.........then do so. It's all about balance. Free will.....and fate.

And lastly......my sincere apologies.......I had assumed that you were addressing my post when you mentioned the "qaseedas" and I had found it offensive. It was a misunderstanding on my part. I'm neither a therapist (life might be easy if I were)....nor am I wise. So, let's move past this

Deeba1234

Those who are advocating just 'accepting fate', I love how it only tends to apply to women in marriage, often these are the same ppl who turn around and say 'if my wife ever raised her voice to my mother I would divorce her instantly' lol or if the wife turns turns out not to be a virgin they'd be rid of her quick as a flash. Nothing about 'accepting fate' then..

Oh, and RV summed up everything else I wanted to say so well, I was also going to mention the camel saying (there's another thread that needs that reminder in there as well today). Let's not bother going out to work and earn and just wait for Allah to feed us as everything is down to 'fate' and nothing to do with us or our behaviour, let's speed down the wrong side of the motorway and see if we survive as it's all 'fate,' maybe I should stab myself in the neck and see what my 'fate' is. Allah has given us brains to use, not sit back like morons, not put or keep ourselves in bad situations with the convenient excuse of 'oh, it's fate and I should accept it.'

hitchki

I worry for our youth.