Parents and favorites

Pyaari83 · Oct 23rd, 2009, 11:20 AM

How do you cope with it when parents pick a child and treat them extra special, esp. when they have more than one child? Its not about jealousy, its more about always being in trouble or being put down.

Also for parents. How do u treat your children equally? Or not treat one more special then another?

MIAinVA · Oct 23rd, 2009, 12:34 PM

hmmm..... I was always in trouble since I was the oldest (3 siblings). My mom used to say "tum hee sab ki leader ho" and I would always get punished but I never felt like my parents played favorites... they loved all of us equally and we all got our share of 'laad pyar'.

As a parent, I have only 1 child so far... hopefully I'll be able to bring up my children the way my parents did, without making them feel like I give any one preference.

Decent 6Chora · Oct 23rd, 2009, 12:50 PM

Our parents treated all of us (3) equally beside the fact that I was a sandwich child and some time I have to hear "Wo tu tum sai baree hai thats why she can do this..." and "Aray wo tu tum sai chota hai, let him do this"

We have a son and daughter and my wife *think* that I give more leverage to my daughter but personally, I have never done it intentionally and I love them both equally.

Gaia · Oct 23rd, 2009, 12:59 PM

This is for my sister(a silent reader of GS),

I'm the adored one

NJMasti · Oct 23rd, 2009, 01:07 PM

^ye! make her jealous!

redvelvet · Oct 23rd, 2009, 05:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pyaari83

How do you cope with it when parents pick a child and treat them extra special, esp. when they have more than one child? Its not about jealousy, its more about always being in trouble or being put down.

Also for parents. How do u treat your children equally? Or not treat one more special then another?

"Fair" doesn't necessarily mean "equal." Kids have different personalities and parents have to sometimes adapt their parenting styles/techniques to the individual needs of each child. What works for one sibling may not work for another, for example.

It depends on the situation. Some parents DO bestow special favors on a particular child more frequently and sometimes even without reason. This can backfire. Being a teacher.......I've seen the negative impact of such faulty parenting. Too much indulgence/spoiling......and lack of boundaries.......can lead to a self-centered child who has little consideration for others let alone authority. So, this behavior, has the potential to come back and bite the parents.

Kikoy · Oct 24th, 2009, 01:09 AM

^^ Good explanation.

You have to treat each child according to their personality and age and other factors. Sometimes tough love is required, but it does not mean you dont love them as much as the others.

But its a challenge to be absolutely fair. If you think one child does feel kind of left out, make an effort to spend some alone time with them. Chances are they may reject it for a while, but deep down they will feel appreciated.

jalebi121 · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:57 AM

Each child usually thinks someone else is the favorite child. In my family, we are favored for different things.

Me,eldest.--i am the most consulted one and parents talk with me the most. But they also criticize me the most and I am the only child who does housework.

Sister, #2-Definitely not the favorite. I think this is why she thrives on attention from others. however, my dad is adoring her these days as she got her grad degree and got engaged to a Pakistani guy. He was afraid for a while that she will find a non Muslim. And it's funny, she gets the maximum benefits in the house like her own room, gets to hang out with friends, doesn't contribute any of her money to anything, because she demands it. So in this way, she definitely is favored.

Brother, #3-SOO SPOILED, he shares a debit card with my mom, never makes his bed, does his laundry, has never had a job, etc. he was the first son after 2 girls and 6 years of marriage which i appreciate, but since he's 19 now, i get annoyed to pick up his stuff.

Brother #4-the baby, he is spoiled in that my mom cooks him whatever he wants, whenever he wants. None of the other kids do this. he has never done housework in his life. But in other ways, he's not spoiled, because he has a job, rides his bike to school instead of bugging for a car, etc.

If I have kids, I will make sure I don't make the oldest my permanent assistant that always helps me but always gets all the criticism. And for the youngest, I want him or her to have actual capabilities instead of acting cutesy all the time...so I will give him more responsibilities even if my automatic tendency is to ask the eldest.

CM · Oct 25th, 2009, 05:03 AM

My sister says I am the favorite. I tell her she is the favorite. My mother says she is fed up with the both of us and wants a third child who will be the favorite so we both can shut up

jalebi121 · Oct 25th, 2009, 05:20 AM

ah ha. something gross but i always read CM as 'cervical mucus' because of a fertility book. really gross, i know.

CM · Oct 25th, 2009, 06:26 AM

I am happy I could in some way gross you out.

clothesmad · Oct 25th, 2009, 06:46 AM

I always say to my sisters that im the favourite cause being the eldest i have been with them the longest

mama ki dua · Oct 25th, 2009, 09:14 AM

I've seen this happen A LOT where there are a few daughters in a family. One of my mom's cousin used to get to choose clothes before any of the other siblings. The others always had to wait until she was done with choosing. The same used to happen with food etc. A friend of mine gets the special treatment by her mother because she's prettier than the other sister. The same case was with my mom's cousin, she was really pretty compared to her other sisters. It's wrong but desi parents do it a lot.

Pyaari83 · Oct 25th, 2009, 02:11 PM

^ and how did the not so pretty sisters cope with how their parents acted?

I understand parents playing favorites to a certain extent, but sometimes it gets out of hand and out of control. I mean everyone has their own personality and should not be compared just because they are different. How do u try not to feel discouraged about it? Or try to control ur self image and the way you do things?

redvelvet · Oct 26th, 2009, 06:56 PM

MKD,

How did your mom's cousin turn out? Spoiled? I know that parents treat children differently because each child has a unique personality and different needs. But some parents don't really have a valid reason behind why they favor one child more than the other. Gender of the child......and physical features of a child ARE NOT valid reasons.

It is my personal observation that children who are unreasonably spoiled....and whose mistakes are brushed off easily by parents because they are viewed as "cute" or "amusing"..............have a greater potential to turn out self-centered and inconsiderate.

fairywings85 · Oct 27th, 2009, 10:57 AM

My older brother - the first son so spoilt when he was younger..now 24 and messed up his life...pretended he was doing a degree..thinks hes a big shot when hes not..basically he needs to grow up..hes the cause of tension in the household...he talks a lot..like a woman as in gossips which annoys me..never consulted on major issues...

My younger brother - the current spoilt one lol...hes 16..hes adored by all the family...we dont mind giving him what he wants...but in return he is a nice kid...kind...considerate...good values mashAllah...

Me...Middle child...only girl.20.so spoilt in my own lil way...my own room blah blah blah...present at all major discussions...consulted on issues..used to be a daddy's girl...now i love my mum too..lol..very close to my mum AND dad...was recently told i will get a third of the inheritance for being a 'good gir' (not having boyfriends) which is nice...

so i think all 3 of us we're spoilt in our own way...my older brother used to be but he didnt show any appreciation so hes no treated like my younger brother and i