Pregnant.. my MIL said the nastiest and hurtful thing !! Dunno how 2 take out anger!! - Page 3

PyariCgudia · Oct 25th, 2009, 11:28 AM

So, being pregnant brings with it an emotional bag of issues. Your hormones are in a different balance and so you may be more sensitive in this period. What your MIL said is wrong but I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've heard something backwards from her. These ladies do not understand PCOS or any other disease process. They are very much so el stupido and most folks honestly are. So you can choose to ignore it or confront her and let her know that it has nothing to do with any superstitious ideas but rather a biological phenomenon and be happy there is a child coming into the picture.

redvelvet · Oct 25th, 2009, 11:31 AM

Mall, I KNOW that aunties in general can say the most jaahil and tactless things.....let alone monster-in-laws.

Take a DEEP DEEP breath and calm down. And count your blessings. You're going to be a mom.......and hopefully a more sensible one than your MIL. This unnecessary tension is not good for you.....it's not good for your baby......it's not good for your marriage. Plus..........you live far away from her. Count that among your BIGGEST of blessings. Imagine if you had to live under the same roof as her and hear such comments on a regular basis.

Now, let's talk about your MIL's comments about "qadam." Islam clearly prohibits belief in superstitions and omens. There's really no concept such as "lucky" or "unlucky" considering that everything happens according to Allah's will. So, if you're experienced some misfortune......Allah willed it. Although one has to accept responsibility for their own actions as well. Often times, you will find that things go wrong even when we have tried our utmost best to make them go right. It's because....ultimately....Allah controls our destiny. Your MIL is being very PETTY................because even after FOUR YEARS.......she's still holding a grudge about the fire. Instead of thanking Allah that nobody got seriously hurt by the fire.............she's going around attributing incidents to luckiness of people. Basically, Mall, your MIL is committing SHIRK! How? Well, she's implying through her jahil comments that it is not Allah........but us humans whose (luckiness or unluckiness) determines fate/kismat in life. And SHIRK is the one and only sin that is not forgiven unless the person realizes their mistake and repents.

I know it's easier said than done. But don't let your MIL get to you. Because you have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to. First of all, you don't believe that people are "lucky" or "unlucky". Thank Allah for your stronger Iman. You have a happy marriage and a growing family to look forward to......away from your MIL. I believe in the power of what goes around comes around......and sooner or later people get what's coming for their idiocies. The next time you talk to your MIL..............very calmly and nicely and CASUALLY......tell her, "Ammi/Aunti.....a new life is a blessing from Allah whenever it takes place. Everything in life happens according to His will and our kadams and hands are nothing compared to that. That is my basic iman and I'm happy and grateful to Him for being a mom soon."

^If your husband believes in this "kadam" nonsense.........then try to guide him so that he can attempt guiding his mom when she makes such stupid comments. He shouldn't be supporting her stupid comments just because she's his mommy. Here is a verse you can use for guidance:

The Holy Qur'ân states: "No misfortune can happen on earth nor (afflict) your souls, but is recorded in a Book (long) before We bring it into existence; that is truly easy for Allâh".

Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam stated: "He is not of us who seeks evil omens or for whom evil omens are sought ….." (Tabraani).

Sahar02 · Oct 25th, 2009, 11:36 AM

I think your MIL said something stupid and offensive without thinking. I know it bothers you and you have every right to vent. But get it out and move on. There's no point in reading too much into it and letting it destroy this happy time for you. She ruined a moment; you shouldn't let it ruin the rest of the pregnancy.

If you think she will be receptive, you can tell her that you were hurt by her comments and explain why, and you guys can patch things up.

If that is not how you relate to each other, then vent to us and move on. Tell yourself, after today I'm not going to let myself be angry and preoccupied with this. I'm going to focus on my wonderful new baby and my family.

PyariCgudia · Oct 25th, 2009, 11:48 AM

Yeah. I agree. Move on. Maybe our more educated generation will not do this to our bahus.

chips6 · Oct 25th, 2009, 12:50 PM

She said something insensitive,you did not like it...I guess I wouldn't have liked it too if I were in your place...
But there is nothing you can do...so get over it and enjoy the blessed time of your life...Mashallah you have been blessed and there is nothing more important than that...right...??

I don't want to sound offensive but people have heard much more insensitive remarks than this...this is actually not a big deal...when in a household there is more than 1 DIL,the parents in law will most likely compare and contrast...and make sure to tell the DIL's what they think of them vs. the other DIL or how one of them is better than the other...but who cares,seriously..!!
so please stay happy...!!...and wish you a happy and smooth pregnancy..Inshallah...

prototype · Oct 25th, 2009, 12:59 PM

Mall: I have not gone through all the posts but Did you actually expected your MIL to be happy about it? 80% of MILs I have known about get a death spell on the news of DIL's pregnancy-and not to mention their next concern is about the gender of the baby being a boy at any cost. Why do you have to even give a second thought to what she said. Your's is a precious pregnancy,concentrate on your health and on staying happy

Aisha Dubaiwali · Oct 25th, 2009, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funguy

Getting "educated" is a lifelong process. It's not too late to educate a mother who has gone astray by believing in non-Islamic superstitions such as some good thing happened because of someone's stepping into the family? Such people whether be MIL or whatever need to be put in place. Don't get too emotional with rishtays. Be realistic and always try to improve yourself and others close to you.

Fun guy I was just about to mention that, that believing someone is lucky for someone and all that is not even Islamic. I cannot believe people still think about all this stuff. Not to forget hurt the other person's feelings using this.

hitchki · Oct 25th, 2009, 02:17 PM

Fungus, who are we spring chicks to dictate what someone in their twilight need/need not learn. Perhaps a lesson in tolerance wouldn't go amiss here. He who insists on casting first stones..

I'll give you a clue. Its nine across and starts with h.

Pyaari83 · Oct 25th, 2009, 02:18 PM

dont let anyone ruin ur happiness that u have....there is no perfect MIL/DIL relationship. There is always something or another said or done. Just focus on ur pregnancy and baby. Make it a good pregnancy and inshallah everything will be better.

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sahar02

If you think she will be receptive, you can tell her that you were hurt by her comments and explain why, and you guys can patch things up.

trust me sahar i cannot tell her how i feel abt this cus she is not one of those who wud say oh well i m sorry i didnt mean it. she wud know it hurt me badly and then next time she will bring issues that she KNOWS hurt me. trust me, its all abt manipulating someone's emotions and pushing their buttons. so talkin will never help. thx for ur post

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redvelvet

Mall, I KNOW that aunties in general can say the most jaahil and tactless things.....let alone monster-in-laws.

Take a DEEP DEEP breath and calm down. And count your blessings. You're going to be a mom.......and hopefully a more sensible one than your MIL. This unnecessary tension is not good for you.....it's not good for your baby......it's not good for your marriage. Plus..........you live far away from her. Count that among your BIGGEST of blessings. Imagine if you had to live under the same roof as her and hear such comments on a regular basis.

Now, let's talk about your MIL's comments about "qadam." Islam clearly prohibits belief in superstitions and omens. There's really no concept such as "lucky" or "unlucky" considering that everything happens according to Allah's will. So, if you're experienced some misfortune......Allah willed it. Although one has to accept responsibility for their own actions as well. Often times, you will find that things go wrong even when we have tried our utmost best to make them go right. It's because....ultimately....Allah controls our destiny. Your MIL is being very PETTY................because even after FOUR YEARS.......she's still holding a grudge about the fire. Instead of thanking Allah that nobody got seriously hurt by the fire.............she's going around attributing incidents to luckiness of people. Basically, Mall, your MIL is committing SHIRK! How? Well, she's implying through her jahil comments that it is not Allah........but us humans whose (luckiness or unluckiness) determines fate/kismat in life. And SHIRK is the one and only sin that is not forgiven unless the person realizes their mistake and repents.

I know it's easier said than done. But don't let your MIL get to you. Because you have so much to be thankful for and to look forward to. First of all, you don't believe that people are "lucky" or "unlucky". Thank Allah for your stronger Iman. You have a happy marriage and a growing family to look forward to......away from your MIL. I believe in the power of what goes around comes around......and sooner or later people get what's coming for their idiocies. The next time you talk to your MIL..............very calmly and nicely and CASUALLY......tell her, "Ammi/Aunti.....a new life is a blessing from Allah whenever it takes place. Everything in life happens according to His will and our kadams and hands are nothing compared to that. That is my basic iman and I'm happy and grateful to Him for being a mom soon."

^If your husband believes in this "kadam" nonsense.........then try to guide him so that he can attempt guiding his mom when she makes such stupid comments. He shouldn't be supporting her stupid comments just because she's his mommy. Here is a verse you can use for guidance:

The Holy Qur'ân states: "No misfortune can happen on earth nor (afflict) your souls, but is recorded in a Book (long) before We bring it into existence; that is truly easy for Allâh".

Nabi sallallahu alayhi wasallam stated: "He is not of us who seeks evil omens or for whom evil omens are sought ….." (Tabraani).

thx alot for ur reply. i dunno if this is shirk or not but 90 percent of our women believe in kadam. and its not just my MIL i guess sub conciously i believe in it too but unlike her i wud never say anything like that to someone in my place. hell, i wudnt even like being said my kadam were gud for some other bahu of our family.

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama ki dua

mall: I'm sorry but I feel you are over reacting. Maybe she didn't intend on hurting you? Maybe she genuienly thought it was the other bahu's auspicious kadam? Be happy. Maybe your MIL has been waiting to have a grandchild since ages and she didn't know what to say? Just ignore it and try not to let it to get to you.

ok i can agree maybe she didnt intend on hurtin me but u gotta be kiddin me when u say indeed it were the other bahu's kadam that i got preg???? as i had already said in other posts, we strted tryin naturally only some months back.. it can be pure coincidence cus she got nikahfied in april but its surely not becus of her 'auspicious' kadam that i m preg. well... if my MIL didnt know what to say, she could have just shown she is happy and Mashallah and all, there was no need to brng the other bahu.

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by llxxll

i totally understand how ur feeling and i wud feel the same way...but still i feel like you're over-reacting too ab aapki MIL bechaari ki backward jaahil type thinking hai toh uska kya kiya jaiye aapko unn bechaari kamm samajh vaali ma ko mwaaf kar deina chahiye cuz she doesnt know wat kind of jaahil thing she is saying n m cent percent sure uss besamjh aurat ko yeh bhi nahin pata tha k this cud be hurtful

just out of curiosity how educated is ur MIL? cuz her mental level seems like unhone bechaari ne educational institution ki shakkal nahin dekhi...maybe she never had the opportunity to get some schooling to open up her mind,..consider yourself lucky that you did not have the same obstacles went to school and therefore developed a more forward type thinking and forgive her for her kamm-aqali

mujhe toh aapki MIL pe taras aa raha hai bechari ...kitni bakward soch rakhti hain bechari

aur sabse zyada tragic baad pata hai kya hai...? unn bechari ko yeh bhi nahin pata how jaahil she sounds by making such comments...so really its up to you to think bechari ki soch hi aisi...koi baat nahin mwaaf kar dete hain..its not her fault anyways it is the circumstances under which she was brought u0p that have formed her way of thinking...so just be the bigger person and forgive the budhu si MIL waise bhi budhuon ki baat ka burra nahin manaate m sure she didnt mean to be hurtful

appreciate ur reply... infact it made me smile. i like ur way of talkin

well i think shes not done bachelors , just high school and some diploma in arts, nothin much. its not abt education. like someone else had said, she is tryin to divide and rule. she is sayin all these mean things so i have bad feelings towards the other bahu... after all she is comparin me with her rite. i just wish there was someone to tell her u didnt say somethin apppropriate. i wish i had my husband;s support. we have argued abt this and he in his defence cud only say he cannot say no, or negate his mother comments. and the most hurtful thing was he cudnt even say to me, who believes in this bull **** honey... its not her kadam its what Allah willed. thaz the worst thing... not being comforted by ur own spouse.

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by funguy

mall, your MIL has an agenda it seems. She is trying to instill hatred and jealousy between you and the other bahu. Her plan is to divide and conquer, pitch you two against eachother and manipulate to try and get the best from both of you in some kind of a contest.

The best thing you can do is to IGNORE her comment because you know your blessing of a new child has NOTHING to do with the new bahu's qadam. She has not even stepped in your family officially yet.

Enjoy your preganancy as it is a special moment and your mental state will affect the unborn's journey to this world.

Congrats by the way.

EXACTLY!!! thaz my whole point. she is tryin to hurt me by sayin these things.. but trust me she wud never say gud things abt me to her, i mean she wudnt say the same things she has ben sayin to me, to her cus she is new she is being ultra nice and caring with her. its seems this is all only one sided, she wants to be in the new bahu's gud books so she will not say anything mean to her or compare her with me.
the second paragraph is what most of the GS members dont seem to understand. there seems to be no link or relevance of this woman to my baby. am i being overprotective.. maybe... am i being insecure, ofcourse cus who wud like in this moment of happiness, to be ignored and let someone else walk with the credit??
i m amazed with the way u answered my problems in such a mature way and understandin it in a way no other woman in this thread cud have understood and provided solution.. and that too comin from a GUY... i m very impressed.. thanks alot..

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:33 PM

thanks each and everyone of u for ur replies... i m deeply humbled by ur responses and wishes. IA i will try my level best to put this behind me and tink positive. all the replies have been beneficial for me whether positive or negative... i m happy that ppl understood my feelings and those who didnt, i hope they never ever face a situation like this in ur life.

mall · Oct 25th, 2009, 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PyariCgudia

So, being pregnant brings with it an emotional bag of issues. Your hormones are in a different balance and so you may be more sensitive in this period. What your MIL said is wrong but I'm guessing this isn't the first time you've heard something backwards from her. These ladies do not understand PCOS or any other disease process. They are very much so el stupido and most folks honestly are. So you can choose to ignore it or confront her and let her know that it has nothing to do with any superstitious ideas but rather a biological phenomenon and be happy there is a child coming into the picture.

honey it has nothin to do wid my PCOS. she dusnt know abt it. and no, my hormones are fine. its just that i dun understand how someone cud be so mean as to compare the two bahu's. thakns for ur reply.

McPendo · Oct 25th, 2009, 05:03 PM

A woman gets pregnant, and she's thinking about another woman's comments. Some people are never happy.

Mabrook · Oct 25th, 2009, 11:49 PM

Ok i couldn't read all posts. joined the party late. but seriously u r over-reacting. either its jealousy for ur dewarani or ur hormones kicking in. Old ppl believe in diff superstitious thoughts. u should hav taken the phone n said "Nahi Ammi ye sub aap logon ki duwain hain" Does Dewarani hav kids already?

BlindHope · Oct 26th, 2009, 01:29 AM

if u r educated enough u wouldnt believe this kadaam crap.... and u wouldnt lose ur sleep over it....

PSquared · Oct 26th, 2009, 03:16 AM

You're pregnant mall! Congratulations!!!!! Im so excited for you!

As for this nasty business with the MIL...please dont think about her comment? Im not saying it was trivial...it was actually a very hurtful thing to say. Comparing your bahus and trying to make one feel bad about the other is simply wrong and a sign of jihalat...nothing less.

Please try to ignore it because you have your baby to think of now. If she persists with this weird train of thought all the time then smile and say things back:

"apki choti bahu ke qadam itne ache hein to mere usse bhi ache honge...mere aaney ke baad hi to ayeen hein vo"