PSquared

I dont have kids and never faced this issue so Im not sure what to tell someone.

Maybe some guppies could put their thinking caps on and help me out.

An acquaintance of mine is being faced with a proposal situation she would like some advice on.

She is divorced with no children.

Proposal 1 is from a guy who lives out of state. He is sweet, caring and really likes her. He is also divorced and has one small child from his previous marriage. He doesnt have custody but does see him once a week. His family is really nice and has tried to get to know the girl in a very loving way. The only drawback she sees is his location.

Her concern: She has always envisioned her life here in IL and this guy has no plans on moving from where he is because of his son. He cant leave him and she understands that. She is extremely nervous because of this move and doesnt know what to do. He is very nice but his location bothers her. She doesnt know if she can leave her life here behind like that.

Proposal 2 also lives out of state. He is sweet, caring and also really likes her. He is divorced and has two children from his previous marriage. He has full custody of the kids and is very close to them. This guy is willing to move to IL one day for her.

Her concern: She doesnt have children, will she able to step into a mother's role from the day she marries him? He has full custody of the kids, there will be no time to live and learn...she picks up where the other woman left off. Also the matter of attention...as a new wife...will she get her husband's attention the way she wants?

Anyone ever been in this situation that can offer some insight? What should she do to help her make her decision? What would you do? Any step moms on GS?

Sara516

1.

clothesmad

i ended up refusing good proposal only for the reason of having to relocate, i was totally un willing to do it, and here i am now after 1 year of marriage i actually left the country forget the town!!

you can make your home wherever as long as your heart is in it. My advise would be to go for No1, he only has 1 child, and thats not a permanant agreement, she could enjoy her married life without the responsbility of a ready made family at home.

Not to say theres anything wrong in marrying someone who has 2 kids, just the amount of adjustment she will have to make will be far less if she went for No1.

also No2 says he will eventually move to her location, thats no guarantee.

Little Princess

Aisha Dubaiwali

Number 1

First of all there is no harm marrying a divorced person. Divorced people are human beings as well and like clothesmad said that you can make your home wherever as long as your heart is in it.

Frankly speaking number 2 is going to be really hard because there will be REFUSAL TO ACCEPT her as a STEP MOTHER from the 2 kids in the beginning no matter how much CONDITIONING they are going to get before marriage from the father that "kids I am remarrying." It is hard for kids to accept someone else in their life especially when they see her as a VILLAIN and a WOMAN who is going to replace their mother and as the woman in their dad's life. It takes ages and sometimes even then kids do not fully accept step moms in their lives.

She will constantly have to be on her two feet pleasing the kids in order to win a place in their hearts and at the same time pleasing her husband and what if when she gets pregnant and has her own kids? What if she gives up trying to make the kids LIKE HER? WHAT THEN? Will her affections lessen when she has her own children or WILL SHE RESENT HER HUSBAND if they decide to have less kids of their own because of the already 2 kids he is taking care of?

In the first situation, yes he has a SON but he does not have custody and she can treat her marriage to a certain extent as getting marrying to someone who was not married before.

snazzy

depends on how old the kids are. if the kids are young, like below 4/5 or are very well behaved or are boys, then it will matter a little less (girls might feel some more resentment that daddy's not paying attention than a boy would). Also, for No 2, he has sole custody- does that mean the mother is completely out of the picture? that could be a good thing. Sometimes there are joint custody people who never leave their ex-spouse alone, and this can create unnecessary jealousy. For instance, our family knows one guy who divorced his wife (she's white) and they have joint custody. She used to phone him about the kids, about money, often longer than necessary and she would ask for money when the kids were visiting their father. Obviously, this made his new wife angry and after a couple years of bearing it, she finally said it must stop.

muniabegum

1

prototype

#1

prototype

Oh..on a second thought, does #1 live in Pakistan?

Aisha Dubaiwali

She wrote out of state so I am assuming that she meant he lives in USA only but in another state.

MIAinVA

#1

Decent 6Chora

What if she marries a guy in IL and after 6 months they have to move because of his job (or whatever unavoidable circumstances) ? Will she apply of khulla/divorce?

In essence, moving/no moving should not be a Issue in bigger picture. She should consider other factors instead of making this a key issue unless of course guy lives in lets say Rawanda or Afghanistan etc. I am assuming that he lives only in different state of US

funguy

marry #2 and date #1 , may be?

AmorAmor

No one can really advise which option is best. Your friend knows these guys way better than anyone on here could presume them to be from the info you have provided.

Maybe ask your friend questions such as:-

Who she can see a future with?
Is moving a complete no no?
What if no.2 later decides he isn't keen on moving?
Would she be happier living with no.1 who has a child that doesn't live with him, or taking the role of new mummy to no.2's two children?

Distance is an issue in both cases. Your friend should decide based on the fact that she has to move either way. Yes no.2 may move for her but this isn't guaranteed, and if it does not happen she should only place herself in this situation if she would be happy to move to where he is.

naqsa

#1.
I'll be moving from Canada to the States after my rukhsati. When I was introduced to my husband (we're nikahfied) he asked how I'd feel about relocating. I told him that if I feel that he is the right person then location isn't a concern. This is coming from a girl who NEVER imagined that she'd live in the States but at that moment I thought rationally and came to the conclusion that I should be with someone I'm compatible with regardless of where he lives.
If #1 makes her truly happy, then she should relocate. In fact it'd be ungrateful of her not to accept since good opportunities are hard to come by.

Muzna

It is very difficult to leave behind a community that you have made yourself a part of.
She should think about why the other person would want to; turn the tables and see how the shoe fits.

I have a friend that married father of two (i.e. 4 years and 2 years at the time if memory serves me) that had custody of his kids. She moved from Toronto to a small town in Wisconsin. She was forced to adopt to being a mom immediately and quite frankly, she did amazingly! She subsequently had two more kids and all has been just fine.

Of course she knew that there would be expectations and adjustments to be made but her love for this man made it all possible.

My choice would be #1.

Decent 6Chora

on lighter note, do "pugam ki pugieee" :0)

smilestar

is she only marrying a man with a child/children because she feels she has no other options being a divorced woman?

what about marrying a single guy?

stoppit

They both sound good. She should go with her gut feeling on who is a better match for her as a person.. as a husband. Forget the logistics of moving, taking care of kids blah blah.

If it were the same guy in two different situations, I think I might be the only one to go for situation #2. I'd rather be a full time mother to 2 kids than whatever that first situation will become.

NJMasti

^ you still chomping? Stopiit! lol


gosh when are you gonna change that avatar?

___

I think it's silly to think on who to choose based on how many kids. I think you should go with chemistry.

If your chemistry works - then the rest would just be easy to "put up with", take care of, or adjust to.