oreocookie

Someone whom I have known for quite a while is in something of a situation.

She recently got married, and was several months along in her pregnancy. She's now in her third trimester. Her parents are aware and were obviously upset, the father no longer speaks to her. Nobody in her extended family really has much to do with her.

Having a baby is a joyous occasion and unfortunately she has to keep hers a secret b/c of hte obvious shame, esp when we know someone else who is also pregnant and everyone is fawning over her. While she has to keep hers a secret.

I just don't know how she got to that point--she was a very straight and narrow person, very conservative..her parents were strict too....
I know what she did was wrong on so many levels and there's no justifications for her irresponsible behavior but there is no use in lecturing her about it....i just want to know how i can help her? we were never really on best terms, but I still feel sad for her since I was pregnant too--in fact she's due around the same time I am. I feel mostly sorry for her.....she's barely out of her teens, doesnt have much education etc. She is married and her in laws know about it...but still....

marwah

that's a terrible situation to be in. i'm sure the guilt and embarrassment she feels is beyond words. what she needs in emotional support, especially since her father doesn't speak to her anymore and the extended family wants nothing to do with her. this is a time when you should be providing the mother-to-be with special care and keep her as happy as possible. sometimes daughters even go to their parents' house and spend a week or two during the third trimester. depending on your relationship with her and her family, i think the most helpful thing you can do is talk to her family, especially her dad about overlooking the past, and forgiving her.

Enigmatica

u cant do much in this case. since it's totally unethical as well as unislamic.. but lack of education, and awareness about religion plus her young age, these are the factors that led to this. how r her in laws treating her btw ?

you just can console her..tell her the importance of having legal children both due to moral reasons and being a muslim as well as cultural factors. Now because of her ignorance she's actually missing on the greatest joys of life, transition into motherhood..

but am sure, after the birth of the child, inshallah, her parents as well as her in laws would melt, provided that she seriously repents for her mistakes and asks for forgiveness to Allah and proves herself to be a great daughter in law to her in laws..just encourage her to be brave and face the situation and at the same time, tell her wot she did was totally wrong !

thats all i can say ..May Allah guide us to the right path ameen

funguy

How did people find out she had conceived before the marriage?

People don't have to know all this. She can lie about her date a little bit and then just call it pre-mature delivery once the baby is born.

Enigmatica

@funguy ..if she got married just recently say one or two months , and yet she's in her third trimester, things become obvious ! and its hard to hide...and premature delivery cant occur so early !

its really sad ..and i hope Allah gives this girl strength to go through this difficult time

funguy

are you nuts? is this the time to tell her all this?

Enigmatica

^ whats wrong IS wrong..obviously this is the most traumatic phase she's going through..like i said, encourage her and help her, but you need to tell her it was wrong..not the harsh way ..in a gentle way ..wen she's stable, thinking rationally and a little optimistic.
n yea i didnt mean telling her the last bit .."Now because of her ignorance she's actually missing on the greatest joys of life, transition into motherhood.."

that would obviously be DOWNRIGHT mean
dis is wot i just personally think ..and it is really sad :/

oreocookie

She got married when she was in her 4th or 5th month so the premature excuse wouldn't work any way when she would have a (hopefully iA) healthy full term baby.

Um....like I said, we know this already....there's no use lecturing her, she feels plenty ashamed and i feel sad for her.

mistral

That's a very difficult situation.

All I can add is this. If she is already aware of the gravity of what she did, then perhaps you can also explain to her that forgiveness is possible? We may tire of asking Allah's forgiveness, but He never tires of granting it. Allah has forgiven a grave robber because he had iman and a prostitute because she showed kindness to an animal. And no...I'm so NOT comparing her to any of those individuals. I'm just discussing the magnitude of Allah's compassion.

If your friend is appreciative of what she has done and is truly sorry and asks Allah for forgiveness, then Inshallah, she will obtain that forgiveness and some measure of peace.

I hope this helps and good for you for trying to help your friend.

Oh, and if I had any of the above wrong, please somebody correct me.

Enigmatica

^ well said .. ! Allah is al-rehman and al-rahim after all ...but genuine repentence is the condition

sadzzz

is the husband the father of her child? if so, why aint he being slammed and put to shame?

whats done is done... help her through it.

Inaya

mistral that was very well said.

i dont really have much advice to offer... i agree with the other posters though who said u need to be there for her emotionally especially since her family are not during this important phase in her life. just let her know u r there if she needs to talk or turn to someone. hopefully her family will one day find it in their hearts to forgive her.

how are her in laws treating her?

fallenpieta

If she got pregnant by the same man she is married to then what is the problem? I say forgive and forget. She needs emotional support and I am sure her parents will come around once they see the end result (grand child).

sadzzz

^ well there is still a problem if he's the father, but its done now. U cant turn back time and im sure if she could, she would change things.

Khair, If Allah forives, who are we to not

fallenpieta

^^ Yet that is going to be a problem. Does she not know who the father is?

libranrulz

I think what the girl needs right now is some emotional support. I think or I hope she knows by now that what she did was wrong and she shouldn't have done that and I am sure a billion people have told her that by now. So, you don't need to repeat that cuz i'm sure she has had enough of it. In my opinion you should try to console her and tell her that everything will be alright and if she needs something or someone to talk to then you are going to be there for her and try to call her every so often to check up on her. There is no need to lecture her on what she did was wrong. You can tell her that after the pregnancy when she is in a more stable state and by then she would trust you more to and actually listen to what you are saying.

redvelvet

Oreo,

I understand that you were not on best terms with her, but do you have some interaction with her parents? Is it possible for you to maybe talk to a member of her family in her absence? For example....could you....let's say......talk to her mom ......and she could in turn help transform the attitude of the rest of the family.

You could try explaining to her mom that, "I understand that what your daughter did has hurt you. But the ultimate forgiveness for this gunnah belongs to Allah. Her gunnah is not so much that she hurt your family reputation.....her gunnah is more that she transgressed a limit of Allah's and it's up to HIM more than anybody else to forgive her. She's your daughter.....please forgive her for hurting you and try to move on. IF we expect Allah to forgive US.....we should try to forgive others. Let's look at the positive things. Alhumdolillah she was able to get married. It would have been worse if she didn't get married. And the gunnah is not hers alone....obviously her husband is equally guilty. But HIS family can't hold that against him forever either. There's an innocent life that will enter this world.....do you really want to treat your grandchild as if it is a blemish? People have committed the WORST sins and become such good and guided human beings afterward....and have earned God's forgiveness. Give your daughter some hope so that she can learn from her mistake and strive to improver herself. She needs her family's support. It is said that Allah is more merciful to His creation more than a mother loves her child. So being her mother, have mercy on her and forgive her.


Can you try to do that? Or encourage someone else to reason with her family? Such as her older sister if she has one? IF her family doesn't come around, then my suggestion is that YOU try to give her your support and company. She should feel that she has the friendship and support of at least SOMEONE.......and it's good to have it from someone around her age group that she can relate to.

funguy

She and her husband are BRAVE people. At least they did not abort the preganancy but acted like responsible adults and got married. If anything they should be commended for that after all is said and done.

If the family is unforgiving then the couple should really think about moving to another city. It will be good for them and the newborn.

PyariCgudia

she's married the father? good for her.

ignore what other say. as long as father of the baby is in the loop and supportive by marrying her, tell her to keep on going, and ignore other people.

PyariCgudia

You're dealing with desi families here. Give it up. Move on. The couple needs to start a new life of their own, and yeah maybe their families may not be a part of it. *shrugs*