sadzzz

on a marriage?

lets say, there is no physical absue, no cheating or affairs, no alcohol abuse and things of that nature.

If things arent going the way you planned... not the way you wanted them to.. would you give up? Different personalities... different goals... would you not try hard to make them work, or at least align somewhere in the middle?

what would make u give up?

PyariCgudia

You don't give up. People act retarded these days. They break off relationships (any relationship) over trivial issues and their own insecurities and weaknesses.

Relationships are no picnics. You wouldn't leave your mom or your sister or your daughter out on the curb after a few fights would you? Then why do folks leave their significant others in a heartbeat when things don't run their way? Then, you really didn't think of them as significant in the first place, did you?

You have to be able to:

1. Accept the differences.
2. Forgive, forgive forgive. Heck, GOD of all beings can forgive YOU for the CRAP you do, but you can't forgive someone for some stupid thing? Doesn't make any sense.
3. You don't like something? Suck it up, and deal with it. Marriage is not a game.

Hashmat Usmani

Sara516

ideal answer is that if those issues aren't present (abuse, affairs etc) then no need to give up

but real life is different. ure the one who has to live day in and day out with someone who's personality you just cannot stand.

sadzzz

PCG,

thats why i am wondering what does make people give up.. especially lets say the first year of marriage. I know it doesnt have to be true, but the first year can be VERY tough.. especially for those (and prob most of us here) who have never been in a REAL relationship prior to getting married... hardly any of us here live with our significant others prior to getting married... hence wouldnt know what the big deal is until we do.

Marriage is difficult... its not as easy as having brothers and sisters.. fighting with them and things being ok...

sadzzz

would you not try reasoning with the wife if she wanted to leave? would you not try convincing her?

sadzzz

no way on working on issues? reaching a middle ground? communicating the issues in a manner it can be understood?

chips6

You don't give up for the reasons you just mentioned.A lot of things in life don't go the way we plan them to go,but that never means that you just walk away.
There are going to be differences in goals,thoughts,personalities,likes and dislikes...because we are talking about two entirely different people,so why wont they be different!!
You just need to find a middle ground.And I mean both partners.Some things you change and some you do not.Thats what marriage is all about.
You grow with each other and with time you evolve into an entirely different person.The thought of a perfect marriage is actually very different from the real stuff.
Its not easy,but certainly isn't impossible.
The more effort you put into it,the more better it gets.
And once you know that there is an option of walking away from anything which is giving you a hard time or not going your way,you never give it your 100% and hence never get the best results...

Hashmat Usmani

offcourse...after all fails, i wud have to let her go unlike some men who use talaaq as weapon and not give it to her if she wants it. i will not hold her down in marrtiage if she is not willing to. i will not be a selfish man, iA

sadzzz

ok... lets say, there were issues prior to getting married. Lets say, there were hurdles and u had to go against all odds and fight against everyone to get married.

Would you let those affect ur marriage?

there are some issues, that take time and effort to resolve... there are other things, that u just cant change.. lets say, if someones parent did something or u may have said somethign to one another in the heat of the moment... would you let this affect ur relationship?

IMHO, there are certain things that stay with us forever... they just stay in mind like distant sad type of memories u wished never happened... there are other things that if time came again, u could prove urself to be a better person... to show the significant other that u have changed.... but until then, u just accept that things happened... they hurt.. and u try to get over them..

but what if u dont.... or what if the other half cant get over it.... what do u do?

Sara516

If one fo the partners thinks that there is no issue or that the other one is being crazy....then no its impossible to wrok on anything.

sadzzz

^ true... we just discussed that at work (with a colleague of mine).

If one thinks something is an issue and the other snubs it off... its hard.

But I guess it really depends on what the issue is yeah?

for example, if i find it annoying the my hubz leaves dirty tissues where i dont want them... am i gonna leave him cus he wont change or will i just nag him until he gets it or just leave it altogether?

chips6

^^ I might be wrong here or others might not agree with me.But you have to learn to forgive and forget.Might be easier said than done but that's how I feel.
What others say does effect and influence a relationship but its against that you have to keep the relationship strong.
I can dig up a million things my husband said to me(or he can dig up what I said to him and which was wrong absolutely)or what any of his family members said to me.they haunt me and still make me feel sad and will always do.But I cannot leave the one man I have grown to love over the years.Yes there are moments when I am not liking him this much,but I don't think any of it should be the reason to quit.
I have learnt to live with a few of his shortcomings and so has he..so we reached a middle ground somewhere and never noticed the transition I think...

I am not saying that a person whose personality drives you totally insane,is still compatible as a spouse.I am not talking about extreme things because obviously those need some serious thinking!!

chips6

I will just nag him till he changes.believe me it works...muahhahaha

UZ

Never give up, try to communicate for middle ground, go to counsler if possible.If their is nothing abusive just make it work.
Set some goals that will work for both of you.

Sara516

IMO....thats just one fo the annoying habits u deal with.....

i' was talking about something like....u just dont like their personality!

sadzzz

ur so right...

i think when we just acnknowledge the differences and the mistakes and try our hardest to not let them happen again, thats when u know u r really committed.

Theres gotta be more to a relationship to be happy about then the things that perk up now and then.. nahin?

Sara516

I guess when the good days outweigh the bad days....is the relationship worth it.

okay this is all too confusing nwo for my mind. goodnight

UZ

Sadzz their is a saying in urdu if you understand "jo peechay mur ker dekhtay hain woh pather ke ho jaatey hain" So always try to let it go. Sometimes memories make us sad and we cannot scratch them from our mind but we can try to forget them by thinking what good we have right now.

PyariCgudia

A real relationship would not be real if hurtful things weren't said once in a while. And it would not be a Pakistani marriage if some inlaw didn't try to wreck it. Accept it, work with it, and move on. No one is perfect and people waste their lives and destroy good relationships in search of perfection that doesn't exist.