Your help needed - Page 2

*Plusha* · Nov 3rd, 2009, 09:39 AM

thnx mall...i'll think all over it once again...just pray for me...sincerely...and...m not bound to marry him in a way ur friend was...v both have always maintained distance...n m glad v did...i'll pray for ur friend too..its so pianful to hear abt her...

lipstick · Nov 3rd, 2009, 09:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mall

Plusha meri jaan u r so in denial. i agree with all the posts here more than a hundred percent. all of them are abs rite!!! listen i had in some other thread "marital abuse and emotional pandering" mentioned abt a v close friend of mine who was slapped and verbally abused at pre mariage and after marriage beaten up like an animal and said so many filthy abuses to her and her family that i wudnt even dream anyone in life wud hear. i see her in u in so many ways yar. she was also in love with him for sum yrs and despite his mother's disapproval and girls family NO interest, they went ahead and got married. exactly like YOU, she said theres no lookin back. i dun understand even now how she cud even marry him when the signs were there. yeah, she was BLIND!!!! she had also done sum physical stuff with him that she shudnt have been doin and they both regretted it but continue doin it for more than 2 yrs i guess. so she was BOUND to marry him cus they didnt consider themselves worthy of someone else. do read my post in that thread.
bottom line, i KNOW, its hard... i KNOW itll b painful, i KNOW its not a gud idea but trust me i ve seen my friend now all she dus is bang her head and cry literally every single day why she married him. honestly i m happy she has me or else she wud have had a nervous breakdown i swear. she opens her heart to me and as mch as i try to help her, i cant help thinkin wots her future gonna b like? shes married almost 3 yrs but nothin is workin out. out of 365 days maybe merely 10 days shes happy with him the rest with wailing and screaming and cryin and all. i dun want that to happen to u or anyone for that matter. like u she also used to cry with the thot of livin without him and all but those things are timely honey, its soooooooooooooo mch better to cry NOW, then later when u will have no way to turn back. yeh mat kaho ke u cant turn back, u dunno the meanin of that. ask those women who are married and really have no one to turn to. i just pray u dun end up being like my friend, cryin ur sockets out, on the way to the hospital. Allah tumhe apne hifz o aman mein rakhay. please b kind to urself. u deserve more respect than u actually think.
ive realised in my 26 yr experience, love is imp but MORE than that respect is the most imp thing in a relationship. with respect, love will come too. but its not love if u cannot respect ur own spouse. ur bf's attitude now is the best predictor for ur future remember that.

Gosh... I feel so sorry for ur friend. Thank God she has someone like u to turn to at least.

Plusha I respect the fact that u have been in a relationship and u dont wanna walk away after 6 yrs but u need to see this from another point of view. At the moment u r the one doing everything to try and pls him and take his abuse etc while he sits back safe in the knowledge that the rishta is being fixed up n soon he will marry u. Whats to say he wont go one step further after marriage and hit u? He's treating u like this and ur not even engaged or married what will happen when ur fully his? How will he treat u then? U really need to do something to make him realise that his behaviour is out of bounds. A temporary break is a good idea. U need to transfer the pressure onto him. Maybe then he might realise what he will lose if he carries on the same way. If u decide to go on a break then u need to be strong and stick to it. U keep saying that uv been with him for 6 yrs but do u really wanna spend the next 60 years in the same condition (or maybe worse after marriage)

Mamaof3 · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:04 AM

Plusha, you arent thinking about this the right way. When you say that your guy does have some good qualities and what if you end up with someone even worse than him....

This is how an abusive relationship begins. After a few years of relentless abuse, you begin to think that you just need to try harder, that you deserve the emotional beat-downs, that you may never be able to measure up because you just arent good enough.

I was stuck in a marriage like this for years. When I finally grabbed myself by the bootstraps and got myself out of it, I went on to meet my prince, my knight in shining armor. And I've had so far, 11 years of marital bliss. I thank God each and every day for the blessings of my life. My only regret is that I let it go on for so long.

None of us are saying the things that you want to hear, no one has given you a magical recipe of how to change your guy. But its early, you have the opportunity to get out of this now...and the opportunity to find a real prince for yourself. Its time to think with your head and leave your heart out of it.

Monk · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:10 AM

mall · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lipstick

Gosh... I feel so sorry for ur friend. Thank God she has someone like u to turn to at least.

Plusha I respect the fact that u have been in a relationship and u dont wanna walk away after 6 yrs but u need to see this from another point of view. At the moment u r the one doing everything to try and pls him and take his abuse etc while he sits back safe in the knowledge that the rishta is being fixed up n soon he will marry u. Whats to say he wont go one step further after marriage and hit u? He's treating u like this and ur not even engaged or married what will happen when ur fully his? How will he treat u then? U really need to do something to make him realise that his behaviour is out of bounds. A temporary break is a good idea. U need to transfer the pressure onto him. Maybe then he might realise what he will lose if he carries on the same way. If u decide to go on a break then u need to be strong and stick to it. U keep saying that uv been with him for 6 yrs but do u really wanna spend the next 60 years in the same condition (or maybe worse after marriage)

pls plusha tink abt this.... my friend didnt but u can.

mall · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mamaof3

Plusha, you arent thinking about this the right way. When you say that your guy does have some good qualities and what if you end up with someone even worse than him....

This is how an abusive relationship begins. After a few years of relentless abuse, you begin to think that you just need to try harder, that you deserve the emotional beat-downs, that you may never be able to measure up because you just arent good enough.

I was stuck in a marriage like this for years. When I finally grabbed myself by the bootstraps and got myself out of it, I went on to meet my prince, my knight in shining armor. And I've had so far, 11 years of marital bliss. I thank God each and every day for the blessings of my life. My only regret is that I let it go on for so long.

None of us are saying the things that you want to hear, no one has given you a magical recipe of how to change your guy. But its early, you have the opportunity to get out of this now...and the opportunity to find a real prince for yourself. Its time to think with your head and leave your heart out of it.

MO3 did u have any kids with ur ex? or all r 3 kids frm ur husband? i think its easier to leave wen there r no kids in the scene. otherwise its v difficult...

PyariCgudia · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:41 AM

Oh my God. What is he gonna do after marriage and you have a baby?

I would really re-think your decision on this guy. Sounds like he has zero maturity. Talk to him about the pregnancy scenario and see what his reaction is. If he's like, ok well you got 1 month to get back to pre-preganancy figure, then he's off his rocker and needs to be dumped to go off and ruin someone else's life for another 6 years.

chanda_kh · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:46 AM

sorry plusha i would have to agree with some of the ladies here.
If a man's "love" yo-yos with your weight..its not love.
If you want things to be better, you will have to open up to him in a different way. Talk to him about whats bothering you, what hurts you...i feel as if either there is a lack of understanding and communication...or its a start of a bigger problem..

*change in weight is inevitable..perfection is not defined by weight...nor is happiness measured by looks.

Mamaof3 · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mall

MO3 did u have any kids with ur ex? or all r 3 kids frm ur husband? i think its easier to leave wen there r no kids in the scene. otherwise its v difficult...

No, I was smart enough to get out before kids and that was actually my motivator....the clock was ticking and if I were ever to have kids, I knew it could not be with that one. So I left with that in mind - that I would either never have kids or I would have them with one who could be a great dad and husband.

And PCG, even if you get back to pre-preg weight very quickly, your body is forever changed. The tummy skin sags and is marred by stretch marks. Not a pretty sight to most....but this prince that I married tells me that its beautiful because it shows what I went thru to give him his 3 beautiful kids. If you have a husband who gets abusive over a couple of pounds, what will he say when faced with purple stretch marks and a sagging tummy? Not to mention occasional incontinence and all the other nasty stuff that comes along with giving birth. And think about when the babies are born and have to deal with "Mr Perfection"....he will make a nightmare of a dad.

marwah · Nov 3rd, 2009, 10:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chanda_kh

sorry plusha i would have to agree with some of the ladies here.
If a man's "love" yo-yos with your weight..its not love.
If you want things to be better, you will have to open up to him in a different way. Talk to him about whats bothering you, what hurts you...i feel as if either there is a lack of understanding and communication...or its a start of a bigger problem..

*change in weight is inevitable..perfection is not defined by weight...nor is happiness measured by looks.

i completely agree. don't just take what he's saying as constructive criticism.

mistral · Nov 3rd, 2009, 11:00 AM

^What everybody else said.

Looks fade honey. Even if you somehow manage to stay in perfect shape for the rest of your life and find a way to magically whisk away the physical evidence of child birth...wrinkles appear, gray hairs take root, skin sags, etc. It's the way things are. And it sounds as if he's going to take what Allah has dictated will happen and hold it against YOU. That's wrong on many levels and not a recipe for a happily married life. No one deserves this misery.

mall · Nov 3rd, 2009, 11:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mamaof3

No, I was smart enough to get out before kids and that was actually my motivator....the clock was ticking and if I were ever to have kids, I knew it could not be with that one. So I left with that in mind - that I would either never have kids or I would have them with one who could be a great dad and husband.

And PCG, even if you get back to pre-preg weight very quickly, your body is forever changed. The tummy skin sags and is marred by stretch marks. Not a pretty sight to most....but this prince that I married tells me that its beautiful because it shows what I went thru to give him his 3 beautiful kids. If you have a husband who gets abusive over a couple of pounds, what will he say when faced with purple stretch marks and a sagging tummy? Not to mention occasional incontinence and all the other nasty stuff that comes along with giving birth. And think about when the babies are born and have to deal with "Mr Perfection"....he will make a nightmare of a dad.

gud for u Mo3. glad u got out before it was too late.
agree with whatever u said. jeez, i never thot paki men cud b THIS finicky abt weight. i mean they can b but most of them are either too burger type or livin abroad where they see beautiful gals with almost nude beautuful bodies. i always thot paki men were a bit tolerant in that case.
plusha u can lose weight i know but sometimes u CANNOT control how ur body eventually looks like. if hes ultra rich go on marry him he will get rid of all ur strech marks by laser and spend millions on ur makeovers each year.
MO3 its sooo sweet MA that ur hubs wud say somethin like that lookin at ur tummy. MA u really r blessed. i m so happy that someone cud actually b happy after a bad marriage.

chanda_kh · Nov 3rd, 2009, 11:44 AM

as far as stretchmarks are concerned..the skinniest of models have them..(you can get them when you are growing TALL not just big

)
body builders and athletes have them..
the most beautiful actresses adorn them as well..so its not a big deal

libranrulz · Nov 3rd, 2009, 12:31 PM

Hey Plusha ... i agree with what most of the people said in the forums but i do believe that people change and you should this person honestly that you are not going to tolerate this kind of behavior and if he does it still then end all contact for a couple of days until he regrets and apologizes so he knows you have a spine and you are going to stand up for yourself. I think that way he'll know his boundaries and this kinda behavior will stop. If it doesn't the you really need to sit down and think about it

Mamaof3 · Nov 3rd, 2009, 12:32 PM

You know, I really hate mind games and playing with people but you actually could take him up on his quest for perfection. Tell him that you've tried to lose those extra pounds butits not working so you will need $6000 for liposuction. Additionally, you arent quite happy with your nose and your breast size so that will be an additional $20 thou for the nose job and silicone implants. You will also require funds for monthly visits to top-notch beauty salons for haircut/coloring services and twice monthly visits to the nail salon. Let him know that in the marriage contract, you want a guarantee for tummy tuck surgery (6 to 8 thou) and face lifts on an as-needed basis. Also, electrolysis or laser hair-removal prior to the wedding night. And twice yearly 3-day weekends at exclusive health spas for the rejuvenation that you will need due to the rigors of marriage. If he agrees to all of this, then you may just possibly be able to live up to his desires for perfection.

NJMasti · Nov 3rd, 2009, 12:42 PM

^ lol - MO3 - it takes a lot to be a beautiful princesses doesn't it!

Mamaof3 · Nov 3rd, 2009, 12:46 PM

Oh my! I forgot to mention! The funds that will be required for the high-fashion seasonal wardrobes. And the once-weekly restorative massages! The built-in heated swimming pool for the healthful daily swims. The private tennis lessons. Sheesh, if he wants a diva, then demand the things that a diva requires!!!

*Plusha* · Nov 3rd, 2009, 01:48 PM

hehehe finally mamaof3 ur post made me laugh...hehe...ive decided that i need time to think...and this evening ive texted him that i cant continue with u...n ur behavior is intolerable etc...as far as i know...he'll miss me in a couple of days n call me...but ive promised myself to deal with him harshly just to make him know tht even m strong enough...lets c what happens then i'll let u all know...thanx again...
i just want to mention here tht he have seen me with chicken pox all over my face and mouth ulcers n still loved me the same...its not merely about the looks but he says tht m egoistic n doesnt take him seriously...n he is angry about the fact tht i didnt loose any weight since 1.5 years...initially he used to say politely like u all mentioned tht u have to tone up...but abusing strted this year...and a couple of times he have cried and said to me tht y have u made me like this? i have so much respect for u and i respect all the females so much...u made me abuse u so much...he thinks m stubborn...
newyz...plz pray 4 me!

Keto · Nov 3rd, 2009, 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Plusha*

P.S he is damn short tempered and m 60 kgs and 5.6 tall ( i was 54kgs earlier) just in case u ppl are wondering how fat am i

Your weight is fine well within normal parameters. If you shed pounds and revert back to 54kg then you'll be underweight for your height.

Singledom is preferable to a miserable marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama ki dua

Plusha it's nothing to be offended about. Take it as constructive criticism. If he wants you to loose weight then try and loose weight.

She shouldn't lose weight, it would be unhealthy.