Your help needed - Page 3

Mehnaz · Nov 3rd, 2009, 02:12 PM

He verbally abuses you? You know what the next stage is? If not, go to your local library and pick up any book on domestic abuse. Verbal/emotional/mental abuse is not a joke. This isn't just about your weight. He is a control freak. Taking it lightly as if he's doing you a favour by simply dismissing this as him caring about you to lose weight ... well what's next? How will he verbally abuse you and say filthy things about you next time? Right now it's about weight, next time it will be about something else. What will remain the same is his attitude towards you.

mall · Nov 3rd, 2009, 04:11 PM

ur post abt chicken pox was amusing. i m sorry honey not ur condition but ur thot that he was being thotful if he accepted u that way. so big deal!!!!! he cdnt leave u for somethin u were not responsible for. he thinks ur RESPONSIBLE for ur weight. i m actually amazed u r even thnkin of losin weight. 60 is fine for ur height. i think u r between slim and healthy. wot else wud a guy want. luks like hes more concerned with ur body image than ur face and all.
and his sayin that u made him that way, verbal abuse and all is sooooo bull ****... bull ****!!!! cus my friend's hubs said the same thing. i was not like this.. which he wasnt i acccept. hes still the goody goody, respectful to elders and all but thinks his wife drove him to insanity and she provoked him with beatin and verbal abuse and all. when she says that isnt there any other way. he says thaz the only language u understand. he used to say laato ke bhooth baton se nahi mantay. nothin changed even after the beatings, shes still the same u know. so wots the point in beating i dun understand. i think its his way of takin out all the bloody stress and blame her in the end for the provocation. plush decide wot u want to do for urself. lets hope history dusnt repeat itself for u.

princessjojo · Nov 3rd, 2009, 04:47 PM

Another problem...he is blaming you for his misbehavior. With this happening, he will most likely not change.

Bint_e_Naeem · Nov 3rd, 2009, 04:49 PM

Plusha first of all you are at a healthy weight considering your height. I don't see why he wants you too loose weight. If its just this one issue. Then maybe tone your body up a bit but you don't need to loose any weight.

The verbally abusing part is just so so wrong. You mentioning him crying & blaming it on on you in a way is another pretty common characteristic of an abuser. Some guys just have it in them & they don't themselves realize it. As someone mentioned once an abuser is always an abuser. Its not that he wants to be bad to you but he probably himself doesn't know it.

A person who abuses another person will usually hurt them & then come back either crying or begging that I love you but its just I am saying it for your own good. I won't say leave him or anything because 6 years is quite some time but do keep in mind this won't be your friend or some other random relationship. We are talking about your spouse here & trust me its never too late to end a relationship. Where life is at stake there is no such thing as 6 years or even 16 years. Just because you guys have been together through many things does not means you shouldn't reconsider.

Don't be rude to him when you talk to him as that won't bring him on track or make him understand what you want from him which is nothing but self respect basically. Even if you break it off don't tell him straight up that his verbal abuse is the reason. He won't get it & probably end up doing the same to some other girl or even end up hating himself.

The worse part & I am being straightforward here is the person who goes through this always comes with this thing that he loves me a lot its just that sometimes this happens. Other wise over all he is a very nice person. Trust me problems do occur later on.

People who physically or verbally abuse others like this have psychological problems themselves. Sometimes minor & sometimes major which need to be sorted out in a proper way. Unfortunate part is our culture does not believe in these things.

PSquared · Nov 3rd, 2009, 07:26 PM

Plusha,

Women usually gain weight, get wrinkles, get stretch marks, sometimes even lose hair during pregnancies and whatnot. A few pounds is NOTHING.

Respect is EVERYTHING between a couple. Its a deal breaker and a deal maker for me.

If a man verbally abuses me, swears, curses and doesnt observe any boundaries in front of the woman he wants to marry...he either doesnt know what marriage is or doesnt really want to marry you.

In your case, I dont believe your guy knows what marriage and/or commitment is all about. This doesnt mean he doesnt love you...he doesnt know how to love you so you dont end up leaving him someday.

Trust me, it wont be him who thinks twice about this relationship...it will be you at some point if this continues.

RupayHalwa · Nov 4th, 2009, 06:46 AM

Don't think that your relationship will improve after you get married. If he is behaving tihs badly at this stage BEFORE he has even trapped u in the bond of marriage, just think he can turn much worse after he has u and u r resigned to your fate.

People's personalities do NOT go through a miraculous transformation after signing a piece of paper. You LIVE WITH THE PERSONALITY and therefore you will be living with a controlling egotistical foul-mouthed man who is abusive of you and your appearance.

djmi · Nov 4th, 2009, 07:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mall

when she says that isnt there any other way. he says thaz the only language u understand. he used to say laato ke bhooth baton se nahi mantay..

omg, my ex used to say the same thing.

Plusha, take these advises seriously, because most of us are experienced and older than you.

mall · Nov 4th, 2009, 07:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by djmi

omg, my ex used to say the same thing.

did he used to beat u up too? men can b such PIGS!!!

djmi · Nov 4th, 2009, 08:01 AM

Yes mall, when i was pregnant i was beaten up.
But now im free, im enjoying life, it took me just a few months to realize that life is so much more than that dungeon of a house.
i have a beautiful baby, my sunshine

samb · Nov 4th, 2009, 08:18 AM

there's a difference between being ziddy/immature/used to having your way and verbally abusing someone... the two don't go together. additionally, verbal abuse and saying filthy things (as you said) over something as trivial and superficial as a little weight gain of all things? damn.... you can have disagreements but there is no need for anyone to lose the daaman of tameez and tehzeeb with anyone...

the dude sounds like a nut. things will only get worse especially if he can't even tolerate a few extra pounds now. if I were you, I'd cut and run...

McPendo · Nov 4th, 2009, 03:28 PM

His mind is sustained now it deviates. Do you really think he loves you? I mean if he did he would accept you as who you are not not much you weigh. as Othelo says, "How can we ever call these gentle creatures our wives." He's indeed right!

mall · Nov 4th, 2009, 04:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by djmi

Yes mall, when i was pregnant i was beaten up.
But now im free, im enjoying life, it took me just a few months to realize that life is so much more than that dungeon of a house.
i have a beautiful baby, my sunshine

MA djmi! proud of u!!!!!!! did u have a baby with him too? i assume ur happily married now

mahismart · Nov 4th, 2009, 05:11 PM

Why is he so obsessed about losing weight? Concern is good but crying out and blaming is so not correct! Do you look like Anil Kapoor as a fat guy in that movie? No, then he should chill.

BTW, if the abuse hasn't stopped in 1 year it won't stop ever!

sheyn · Nov 4th, 2009, 05:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Plusha*

Hey evryone doing a great job...i am a bit troubled...i am in a relationship with a guy since my A levels...mashallah its our 6th year together and now our rishta n stuff is in process these days...do pray! neways the point is...he loves me to death mashallah n same here...but he is a very emotional person...he want things to be done in his way...he is a perfectionist and a fitness freak....in last 1.5 year ive gained some weight may be cuz of the hectic uni schedule...and m trying eagerly to reduce...but since 1 year he is after me to loose weight...i know it sounds kiddish but somehow i didnt took him seriously...and now he remains so pissed off frm me alwayz...he is like 'i want my girl to be perfect' which he has a right to say...but this issue is growing day by day...even if we argue on completely different things...he end up saying that...' tumne itni si baat nahi maani meri so dont expect frm me'
The other issue is whenever we fight even on some silly thing...he verbally abuses me badly which i completely hate...m damn sure he takes me for granted and he knows no matter how badly he treats me i am always there for him...and to be frank even i know it that for sure he cant live widout me may be thts y i ignored completely when initially he asked to me loose weight(didnt know situation would be this worse) ...ofcourse i seriously get offended but all he say that he didnt mean it...it was his anger which made him say all tht...but its happening too often now...he does not even hesitate in saying the filthiest thing to me....ive tried all the techniques to make him understand but its useless...all he say is tht...just do what ive asked to...i'll be alright again...
Now i want to ask that whether a issue like gaining weight bothers a guy to this extent? yes certainly m trying very hard to loose but what about the 2nd issue of abusing me...well let me tell u mashallah i have no doubts on his character or his love 4 me...we have done alot for each other...thts a completely different thing...but i feel really insulted...
P.S he is damn short tempered and m 60 kgs and 5.6 tall ( i was 54kgs earlier) just in case u ppl are wondering how fat am i

Get OUT while you still can.......

......otherwise you have no-one to blame but yourself for getting into an abusive situation.

Men like these do not miraculously change after marriage and the crap that he says or does is only gonna get worse and maybe even physical.

An adult man should be able to have some kind of control over his temper and be able to express himself in a civilised manner without having to resort to filthy or abusive language.

You've said you have talked to him and his solution is "just do what I say and I'll be fine"....................that reeks of psychopathic behaviour.

Mehnaz · Nov 4th, 2009, 07:54 PM

You will be doing yourself a huge favour by reading this book. It's written by a psychologist who runs court appointed programs that abusive men must attend. It's in the abuser's own words why they do and say nasty things to their partners. It helps you identify what types of men have the potential to change and what types of men are beyond help.

This man you are with will not change. He has no remorse over what he does to you, and instead plays the victim by crying and throwing fits. He will get progressively worse over time.

Ditch that jerk: dealing with men ... - Google Books

BlindHope · Nov 4th, 2009, 09:28 PM

he is too young.... dont marry him

iShaz · Nov 4th, 2009, 09:32 PM

Plusha, you are probably older than me and more matured. So i am not gona write 2 pages here and give you adivce or tell you what to do.

I am a guy and let me tell you one thing, men (majority of them) don't change either after marriage or before marriage, most of us consider changing against our 'ego'. I personally know at least one story where this girl fell in a guy trap and she is still paying the price of it. Guys are very GOOD actors and trapping a girl is something, many guys don't consider as 'big or hard'.

Ask one question to yourself, if this guy is abusing you and virtually forcing you too loose weight despite knowing the fact that you are not married, imagine what he'll be like after marriage? I agree with the person here who said that after weight something else will become an issue.

Verbally abusing your would-be-wife means showing no RESPECT, and once there is no respect, there is no LOVE, and when there is no love, there is NO happy ending. Simple. This guy won't get any better, i can only see him getting worse.

Just because you are in relationship with him for over 6 yrs, doesnt mean you should close your eyes and follow/believe what he says. Open your eyes up. Don't listen to your heart, use your mind. You still have time to make ur mind up.

iShaz · Nov 4th, 2009, 09:39 PM

Abusing, swearing, using filthy words, forcing you to do something before marriage is just a trailor, imagine what he will be like after marriage? Right now, he has no right over you and yet he's acting like this?

You seriously think he will change after marriage or your PYAAR will make him change? It only happens in B'wood Movies ! In reality it only get's WORSE!

PyariCgudia · Nov 4th, 2009, 09:45 PM

That's the problem. All these girls live in Bollywood. Only reason why boys show up at theatres to watch bolly trash movies is to see what girls swoon about and what they need to do to trap a girl. So they throw around the dialogue-baazi , and watch the magic unfold.

I totally agree. Guys know exactly what to say to get what they want.

Jerks.

PSquared · Nov 4th, 2009, 11:56 PM

Marrying a man hoping he will change for you is complete and utter foolishness.

He will NOT change. If you feel you can marry him as is, the way he stands before you today...do it. But please dont think your love or hard work or affection will change him...it wont. It will only dig a deeper hole for you because now...you're married and he has no reason to respect you even the little he used to before.

He has nothing left to work because you've already said yes and married him.