Monk

hawwww dont call me that

MIAinVA

Yeh kiya baat huee? IMHO, I don't agree.

Nothing should drive you to abuse another human being.... so if she's wasteful, stop giving her money. If her behavior and attitude are not good (she feeds you 3 days old daal), buy some takeout or tell her to go to her parents and come back when she's ready to give you fresh daal. (Yeah well, I've herad of instances when the husband hit the wife cuz khaanay mein namak kum thaa). Why do you need to hit or tell her she's worthless? Heck, if you dont like her, divorce her ... why are you putting up with her crap and then hitting her?

Sara516

Goodness....

Please let's not turn this into the millionth stay at home wives vs working wives thread, and leave it about domestic abuse.... thanks

tammy8604

When a man knows that his wife is depending on him and is helpless, then he abuses. And abuse isn't just physical beating. Abuse is mental and emotional too, which very few people here even realize.
Its rampant in our society. And why are women brought up in our society to be scared of "izzat" and "log kya kahengay" wali theory?? Why isn't there an izzat issue for men?
Yes ofcourse men who abuse are cowards but WHY do women let them do this to them?
If you let someone do it, they will continue doing it.
It all comes down to the fact that women have made themselves too dependent on men, hence making them feel superior.

MIAinVA

Too late, we're back on track already, without any prompting

Sara516

Good thank u

MIAinVA

Actually, mental and emotional abuse is more crippling and tougher to get away from. I have a very close friend who went through all that for a whole year. Finally someone told her she didn't need to put up with it and got a divorce, but that experience has really made her bitter

Ummm.... cuz they're men. Our aunties only talk about usski beti, isski beti, never usska beta. So it is women's fault here, I agree. And its upto us, as mothers, not to repeat the mistakes our older generation has made.

Yep, women need to walk out on those abusers, but like someone posted their real-life experience, its tough. Since women get emotionally attached to their spouses real quick, they keep making excuses for them and are willing to wait for the husband to 'change'. And its not unique to our society, most women are like that, I think its a gender trait. Women can put up with all this crap, some choose not to ... good for them.

tammy8604

And sometimes women can also lose their mind when their husband make make them live with controlling and interfering in-laws (joint family system). Is it justfied in that case for the wife to become abusive?

MIAinVA

^Good point.

hitchki

lets get real though. Sometimes, I want to smack me some btches.

blunt

yes agar husband koi cheez ghalt keray wife ho sakti hai.

tammy8604

But if you notice, its mainly desi women who wait so long for their husbands to change and let them abuse them. So I find it hard to believe that women are more attached to their spouse because if that was the case, then statistics would be similar worldwide. I don't think that women stick with their abusive husbands because they love them, it's simply because they don't have a choice in OUR society.
Why is it that most western women don't put up with so much sh*t? Personally, I believe thats because most women there are financially more secure and don't need thier husbands financial support. They can move on and get on with life unlike women here who will find it very hard to be single and probably wont get a second chance at marriage with someone else.

tammy8604

I am not saying that western women aren't abused. They are, but 99% of those women don't put up with it. And the ones who do are mainly the ones from economically poor backgrounds and the ones with no jobs or degrees.

PyariCgudia

[QUOTE=tammy8604;6946452]I totally agree with this. Our society produces housewives who live off their husbands so they can't really leave their husbands regardless of how they treat them. And even if they do, life sucks without a husband since very few women get re-married and most of them don't have any qualification or job experience or skills which will enable them to be financially stable.
If you ask me, women have done this to themselves. They have made themselves worthless really.[/QUOTE]

I do think this is a big reason. However, many girls who get abused, at least from people I've known, are actually educated girls.

Secondly, speaking from personal experience of having a good education and being in a career, I am 26 - no proposals - and I am currently perusing internet networking sites with a kashkol in my hand hoping to find a rishtaa. The other day, a boy said, well, this isn't gonna work, you work more than 40 hrs a week and you will be doing some nights and weekends - on that grounds alone, I got rejected. The girls I know in my career - same issues. No one wants to marry them because of career hours and career type.

If I went and became a secretary, I'd have an easier time getting a rishtaa, and would be vulnerable. It's a vicious circle.

Girls are trying to break out of it, but are facing difficulties from certain families who don't want someone TOO educated or TOO much in a role of power from her job

Aishaaa2.1

^I told you this and you didn't believe me

PyariCgudia

It really takes a lot of energy for me to treat my desi customers fairly. I have such prejudice against these idiots, and I've dealt with so many of them, that I can pick them out from a mile away.

BTW, the descriptions of the successful desi man are totally true. These abusers usually ARE educated, and usually ARE successful, and you usually wouldn't expect it from them.

One of the girls here in our community was putting up with getting abused - also an educated girl, mind you - and he was not the kind of guy you'd expect it from. Her brother found out, sent off alarms, got her out of the situation, and yet still the entire community threw poo at her, saying that it was HER fault that she ended up the way she did.

Ridiculous nonsense. This is why I want to MOVE. I'm sick of this place, and the idiots who live here.

chanda_kh

^thats how it is with desis..the "whistle blower"..or the one who stands up against jahalat..gets the crap!

mall

i agree with some of u guys who say that most of these men who abuse are not necessarily uneducated. like i said, i have a v close friend goin thru this since the time she got married. hes educated, v respectful and no one can ever dream that he wud b an abuser but who knows what goes behind the doors?? my friend is MA also educated so that also proves educated girls tolerate this kind of behaviour too... why... that depends on person to person.

as far as i know she went thru this all becus she is the one herself who went against her parents wishes not to forget her MIL disinterest in her and got married. plus who wud believe her anyway? if he was a hot tempered guy she wudve gone and told the world. that is the reason y i feel so mch pity for her cus she cant leave him, no one will believe him. even i had a hard time believin but ofcourse being her friend, i knew she is not exaggerating when she wud tell me her day to day stories. and ppl believe me it has nothin to do with being independent. this girl worked her ass off for 3 yrs and helped him pay the bills but still he said u made me cringe each time i had to ask money. acc. to him her askin her why the money is being spent, where its goin is bad. plus she wud hate that he wudnt appreciate her for all she was doin. how so not macho is that!!!!! even if she was repeating again that i m payin made him hate her. i used to tell her y u do that but she always said she felt unwanted and non appreciative thaz y she reminded him. sad but true.
i think she has no plans whatsoever to leave him. she is 8 months pregnant abt to have baby too.. but her life is so horrible. cryin even in pregnancy, its horrible i tell u!!!
i hope this person burns in hell, dies a painful death!!!!! i really hate him alot. i tolerate him only becus i wanna b in touch with my friend.

the thing that really makes me pity him is that my friend is always prayin he dies. cus there is no escape for her except this. i told her jitni duah mango gi Allah utni umar daraaz karega. but she is such an emotional wreck and ritely so that curses him each and every sec. imagine her plight. and its two sided that is amazing. he wishes she wud die too. and he keeps sayin i will die becus of u.. all my baddua's are for u in each namaz. i found that v hurting, i know she curses him too but has never disclosed her feelings unlike him who admitted he is prayin for her unhappiness. even he said this baby will make u cry all ur life and so mch more. the worse thing is now he has asked her to stop talkin to me. i guess he is suspectin i m somehow misguiding her.. when i m only thing that calms her down.

those who say taali do hath se bajti hia should live life like this for a DAY!!!!!! i know gals can b mean and saas haters and critical and all but that dusnt give the man to raise his hand and beat up a woman like an animal.

mall

where r u? its not just happenin where u live.. its a universal prb. but the most painful thing is that desis are also physical abusers. ive heard these bloody arabs are v abusive but desis, its soo sooo sad.

funguy

MIAinVA and tammy:

I have a tremendous amount of respect for women who decide to stay home to raise children. Don't take me wrong. I think they are worth a lot more.

Also, just being educated, career oriented and financially independent does not mean you will not get abuse from a man. But chances are you will have an exit plan and you could if worse comes to worse, live on your own. That's what I meant by saying that our society produces weak females.