My Issue!!!

Spiral · Nov 21st, 2009, 01:20 AM

Everytime I have an arguement with my husband and when/if I cry, I miss my ex. Is that weird?!! I know it is but I don't want this to happen. My husband is very very nice .. maybe even better than my ex or any one for that matter. I have no problems with him at all. I even admit that arguements are all my fault.. and then even if he says a single word I start crying and then... THE EX.. i hate this. I don't want to suffer from this weird situation. It kills me. Almost like I am cheating on my husband.. How do i not do this?? There is way too much guilt in me for hurting my ex.. he sincerly wanted to get married to me ... Everytime I am hurt, I think I am cursed by him.

OldBoy · Nov 21st, 2009, 02:10 AM

the solution to your problem is simple. Just dont care about these thoughts. Let them come to your mind. Just laugh at it, and eventually they will disppear.

Our mind works in strange ways in these situations. The more you try to repress such thoughts, with more power they hit back at you. The more seriously you take a trivial issue, the more it mounts on you.

InToXiCaTeD · Nov 21st, 2009, 02:26 AM

Seems like you have created an emotional loop (cry, feel guilty/cursed/bad for hurting others, ex's stories etc.) and "enjoying" it.

Solution is simple yet not easy since we are talking about emotions here. you just need to do some re-wiring work on your brain.

You need awareness (as/when you start entering the loop) and a lot of will power (to keep yourself out of the loop).

Try not to argue when you are wrong .......... if you do, make sure you don't enter that loop and be gratefull for all the positives in your husband ......... and if all this doesn't work and you do enter the loop, try to make it as short as possible every time it happens and get yourself distracted and busy in some interesting activity ASAP.

InToXiCaTeD · Nov 21st, 2009, 02:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OldBoy

the solution to your problem is simple. Just dont care about these thoughts. Let them come to your mind. Just laugh at it, and eventually they will disppear.

Our mind works in strange ways in these situations. The more you try to repress such thoughts, with more power they hit back at you. The more seriously you take a trivial issue, the more it mounts on you.

works perfectly for me. and men in general I guess. but it's a woman we're trying to help here.

McPendo · Nov 21st, 2009, 03:09 AM

Well common symptoms of marriage. Again i ask why do people get married? Such amazing life as a sentinel !!!

Mabrook · Nov 21st, 2009, 03:23 AM

i don't think u r cheating or being wierd. its human nature to think abt wat he never got n wonder how life would be if he had got that thing or person. i agree with intoxicated here. its ur battle n u have to fight it. Every time u find urself thinking abt ur ex take a picture of ur hubby in ur hand n stare it hard. or start making a comparison list for both on paper.
Even if u don't do these things i'll say give it time n this thing will eventally go away...hopefully. And worse come worse even if it doesn't go away so wat its just a way of escaping from ur depression. u r not flirting or running away with ur ex. u'll still be ur husband's wife in the end. So don't feel guilty n enjoy the day dreaming

COLD_FIRE · Nov 21st, 2009, 03:34 AM

'There is way too much guilt in me for hurting my ex.. he sincerly wanted to get married to me !!!'

Well, guilt takes some time to wear off...

MIAinVA · Nov 21st, 2009, 08:20 AM

Thats so normal..... since I dont have an ex, when I have a serious fight with my hubby (which thankfully is not that often), I start thinking "Why the hell did I marry him, I could have been better off not married."

And now, I just cool down by going shopping.... "retail therapy" works so well

Its not a problem, dont beat yourself up about it.

neha55511 · Nov 21st, 2009, 08:43 AM

ohh itz pretty normal...believe me,this is wat happens to most of us in the same situation..i have many frnds who have exactly the same problem...the thing is that 'anything u lose automatically doubles in value'...

just think that if ur ex wud be ur hubby,he wud also have the same phases as that of ur husband..he wud b angry at u at times,he wud b happy ,he wud be strict ..all the same...in the end all the husbands are alike ..it doesnt matter at all whom do u marry..itz one and the same thing..with everyone u will be having problems just the type wud differ..so cheer up..itz not abnormal or sin

Iconoclast · Nov 21st, 2009, 09:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spiral

Everytime I have an arguement with my husband and when/if I cry, I miss my ex. Is that weird?!! I know it is but I don't want this to happen. My husband is very very nice .. maybe even better than my ex or any one for that matter. I have no problems with him at all. I even admit that arguements are all my fault.. and then even if he says a single word I start crying and then... THE EX.. i hate this. I don't want to suffer from this weird situation. It kills me. Almost like I am cheating on my husband.. How do i not do this?? There is way too much guilt in me for hurting my ex.. he sincerly wanted to get married to me ... Everytime I am hurt, I think I am cursed by him.

No its not wierd at all, you are a normal (read typical) Pakistani girl.

Magic 8 Ball · Nov 21st, 2009, 09:40 AM

^ Agree with Neha.

Had you married your EX, do you really think that life would always be just peachy? There would be moments when you'd find him gross, annoying, dumb, ridiculous, narrow-minded, strict, unreasonable. We all have these negative qualities within us. And your EX would not be exempt from them. And had you married your EX, you would also have moments where you'd wish you had never met him let alone married him.

I think another reason why you keep thinking about your EX is because you feel guilty for turning him down when he wanted to marry you. Whenever you get into an argument with hubz, are you afraid that you're being punished for rejecting your Ex? If so, then try to get that thought out of your head. You were not obligated to marry your Ex. There's no gunnah in rejecting his rishta. If you found him truly compatible to you, then I'm sure you would have said "yes." But since you turned down his proposal, this indicates that there was something about him that didn't motivate you enough to want to marry him. Whereas, your husband must have possessed most of your desired qualities for you to want to marry him. But that doesn't mean he'll be perfect all the time. Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them and wants to be with them. You didn't want your ex, he deserves to be with someone who wants him. Nothing in your life will be perfect. Not your home. Not your family. Not your job. Not your children. Nothing. So, be grateful for the good that you have. You're not cheating on him. With time, these thoughts will lessen and even disappear. Just reason with yourself and laugh it off, pray about it, and work on developing a stronger relationship with your husband.

hareem01 · Nov 21st, 2009, 09:46 AM

Yeah it's normal.

Monk · Nov 21st, 2009, 09:50 AM

Its normal.
Its so f-ing normal that it scares me.
A girl once told me she missed me so much when she had a miscarriage(with her hubby--who was giving her problems at that time.)
My dude's Ex calls him and say "I creid my eye balls out on my wedding night thinking about you--while ...u know..."

Now If my wife miss some one else I think It would be only fair-- If I keep my kool with it?

As paki we are one F-ed up society. Manly because of girls.

hareem01 · Nov 21st, 2009, 09:56 AM

It's human psychology and quite natural, even if you don't have an ex you'd miss your parents or those who loved you endlessly.

Monk · Nov 21st, 2009, 10:05 AM

I think we can ague about it for whole day but conclusion is going to be.

1-girls are more sensitive to luv.
2-guy some what miss girls too. BUT guys put boundaries when starting new relations.
3-Girls Who are religious OR non paki do the same--set boundaries.
4-wanna be chicks don't know where to stop acting on there instinct and where to respect relation.

5-western/chines/black women would respect OR at least would know what respect of a relation means.

Our Siestas are going to pick on ppl with priciples calling them backwards... and sistas are going to keep shut when they are discussing their endless love with non pakis women!!!

Cuz only a fellow sista can understand that twist-ness.

PlayStation Where is RV?

hareem01 · Nov 21st, 2009, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Monk

I think we can ague about it for whole day but conclusion is going to be.

1-girls are more sensitive to luv.
2-guy some what miss girls too. BUT guys put boundaries when starting new relations.
3-Girls Who are religious OR non paki do the same--set boundaries.
4-wanna be chicks don't know where to stop acting on there instinct and where to respect relation.

5-western/chines/black women would respect OR at least would know what respect of a relation means.

Our Siestas are going to pick on ppl with priciples calling them backwards... and sistas are going to keep shut when they are discussing their endless love with non pakis women!!!

Cuz only a fellow sista can understand that twist-ness.

PlayStation Where is RV?

There are different scenarios:

1) One is where wife is unhappy with her husband even if he tries his best to keep her happy but she still keep thinking about her past or ex or whatever. She sleeps with him while thinking about someone else.
That woman in my opinion is unfaithful.

2) When a happy couple have an argument or little fight and the wife starts thinking about her past and says things like "I should've married that person" or "I shouldn't have gone married to you" or "I should've stayed unmarried". But after they're normal she forgets about everything.
This is in my opinion is normal.

3) When a man abuses his wife and beats her up and the woman starts thinking that she made a mistake by marrying this man and should've gone married to her ex.
This is natural and normal.

Though thinking about past and saying that I should've done this or that is useless because what is done is done.

Magic 8 Ball · Nov 21st, 2009, 10:31 AM

If the EX were that great, then she would have married him. Something must have been lacking in him if she turned him down. And now when she gets into spats with her hubby, she imagines life would have been wonderful with the EX. Spiral, the EX, would be like any other husband. He'd have stinky morning breath as well. And you said that your husband is "very very nice" and that YOU are the one who starts arguments with him. So, if you know that about yourself, then quit starting arguments with him because it's not helping you, or him, or the marriage.

Monk · Nov 21st, 2009, 10:40 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hareem01

There are different scenarios:

1) One is where wife is unhappy with her husband even if he tries his best to keep her happy but she still keep thinking about her past or ex or whatever. She sleeps with him while thinking about someone else.
That woman in my opinion is unfaithful.

2) When a happy couple have an argument or little fight and the wife starts thinking about her past and says things like "I should've married that person" or "I shouldn't have gone married to you" or "I should've stayed unmarried". But after they're normal she forgets about everything.
This is in my opinion is normal.

3) When a man abuses his wife and beats her up and the woman starts thinking that she made a mistake by marrying this man and should've gone married to her ex.
This is natural and normal.

Though thinking about past and saying that I should've done this or that is useless because what is done is done.

hmmm I suppose so

I think both girls I spoke about were unfaithful in the start. Then slowly they let go their past.
hmmmmm
I think that happens in arrange marriages.
hmmm