Niksik

So how many of you know desis (please some people don't be getting emotional over the use of this word, we all know who were are referring to: people of Indo-Pak origin ) who take care of their kids like this:

1. Yell at their kids in front of other kids...
2. Don't hesitate in smacking them big time thappars here there and everywhere...
3. Use negative pyschology on kids such as "tumhara kya hoga, tum to jhaRoo lagana school key bahir!"
4. Make their kids go on guilt trips like "we sacrificed our entire lives for you...your dad wore the same shoes all his life so you could go through school."
5. Spend all their time on phones and dramas, and when the kids need their time, they dump a bowl of potato chips in front of them and have them sit in front of Dora...
6. Instill a sense of negative competition in the children like an obsession for clothes and jewelry...
7. Bad mouth about the spouse to the kid when husband wife are fighting in order to drag the kid to their side...

So, what have you come across and what are your views?

Cheegum

"desi parenting" is an oxymoron.

diamond321

This is how many husband was raised and he still has to go thru all the guilt trips.

U forgot to add the severe beating that some kids have to go thru which is completely wrong and cruel .

I wish parents learn to avoid all such stupid acts just because they have given them birth and have raised them doesn't give them right to shatter the whole personality and confidence of kids and believe me these stupid acts have life long affects on kids.

sweetu

i see alot of these points in my hubby sometimes which is sad really cozz the attitude is only like that towrds one child n not the other

NYCGori

Oh boy.
I'm on thin ice commenting on this kind of stuff since I'm not desi. Thankfully I haven't seen many of these characteristics in my husband's family and I'm confident we won't be implementing them in our parenting!
The one thing that does get on my nerves, though, is the tendency in many desi families to let little kids run around at night until they just drop from exhaustion. I'm a huge fan of helping kids establish a nap schedule and a decent regular wind-down routine and bed time----studies show it really pays off in terms of the child's concentration and performance in school, and having a reasonable bedtime leaves time for the parents to have some nightly quality time together and not get into the rut of just being mom and dad 24/7.

njgal

I do 3 and 4 and I don't know how to stop.

I think parenting via guilt trips works really well. (help me please)

Niksik

They may give you instant results but I hear from "victims" that the effects stay on even through the adult years and the seed of negativity blossoms into a cold distancing from the parent.

aahmed

Allah reham kare, we don't do any of those. We believe in positive reinforcement mostly, we will eventually do time outs and other forms of discipline. We don't believe in thappars, but spankings, possibly, not hard obviously, more for the fear.

We also are VERY conscious of Lila's behavior in public, if she starts acting up, we remove her from the situation instead of letting her misbehave or scream. Like if we go to a restaurant and lila starts fussing, we take her out until the food gets there and then she's fine because she's eating.

We understand that kids act out because there's something up not because they are jerks, either they are bored or overstimulated or uncomfortable or not engaged enough, THOSE root causes are what we try to address instead of the behavior resulting from them.

sweetu

aahmed bhai try explaining tht to my hubby he thinks of our eldest as a jerk n i hate it

K337

telling their kids that they are always right and kids are always wrong.

always picking up flaws in their kids and appreciating others qualities even though u know how messed up one is

TLK

Maybe its because he has higher expectation out of that kid cause he sees bigger potential in him/her than other kids

Mehnaz

Positive reinforcement is so incredibly important. Constant negative criticism can do serious harm. Great post aahmed.

SeaBee

That's a bit extreme. I don't think I've seen that with people around me.

Muzna

I am fortunate that little to none of that happens amongst the people that I now know.

aahmed said it all.

UZ

I did number 3 on my number 2 for few days or a month but the result was very bad he was under impression that I am not good at all so I stopped immediately and alhamdulillah he is doing really good now.

s_mk

^ this.
I thought about, but I dont think any of the parents we know parent that way.

njgal

haw we are not "that" bad

njgal

Looking back on my lectures from my dad - sometimes his guilt trips actually worked. They still do - I can see through them now but at that age - they actually worked.

Dad: "Do you ever think your phoopos ever went to spring break with their friends. Do you think that behaivor reflects our family norms. What am I going to give jawab to Allah"

Me: guilt guilt guilt guilt

The jawab to allah part still gets me...

NJMasti

ye very much experienced with this. I use to feel so so so bad and I use to cry a lot whenever this was used on me - even for something as little as thinking about I want to learn to swim or learn to dance or freaking participate in a fashion show - my true passion!!

I use to feel bad when they would say it, cause I ALWAYS felt that they just did not understand the meaning of living a life HAPPILY. Their means of life was full of tension. Like just fulfilling a husband wife duty and raising kids. Nothing beyond that... at least that's what I thought when I was growing up.

I just think it was very wrong of my parents to control me with emotions.

I missed out on a lot in life because of fear of upsetting them. I regret not being upfront and confident when I met the right guy in my life. I was **** scared of what my parents would think. Boyfriends/dating these things were just never discussed. I let go of a very nice guy - cause I thought my parents would die on hearing that I have someone in mind who was actually absolutely in love with me. I remember him crying when he hugged me a last good bye. I miss him.

I just wished I knew at that time that the emotional dramas were just ways of controlling me because I was submissive to it.

I cannot bring back time, but I can definitely change the ways of life with my own kids.

I would never use emotional blackmail on my kids. It's just not fair.



I agree and disagree, with what you say. I have many regrets, however I think in life I am just trying to understand their ways of raising. I guess they did not know any better ways.

My parents are now getting old, and I would HATE to say or even think anything wrong about them. They have done a good job otherwise. They were very supportive... but I think the only time they felt emotional blackmail was needed was when they themselves did not know how to handle the situation.
I forgive them on all my personal regrets that I did not get to do... I love them! There is no other like my parents! Truly. =)

Dusk

Alhamdolilah we don't have that and I hope we never do insh'Allah!!!!!!