Niksik

I was reading the latest Oprah magazine and came across an article which was essentially an interview by the mom of one of the teenagers who carried out the Columbine school shootings more than a decade ago. It was the story of a mother who till today is paying the price of what her son did, the thoughts of a mother who considers herself a failure because she didn't see the signs...

After reading that article, I was overwhelmed with questions about successful parenting...

A small percentage of children turn out to be such. How can you prevent your child to be among those numbers?

Mehnaz

I asked a similar question in another thread and got no response. How do kids turn out to be bullies ... and in this case, how do kids turn out to become murderers? Here, they were bullied and then exploded in a fit of rage. Did they have any other outlet? Did they try and speak to someone but were unheard? I don't know.

It's so scary.

Talk to your children. That's the only thing I can come up with as I have thought about this a lot in the past year. Talk to them. Make yourself emotionally available to hear them. Watch who they are hanging out with. Make sure they are able to develop a sense of empathy towards others. Help them build their self-esteem and confidence level.

But I am sure there is a lot more to it than just this ....

Decent 6Chora

remain in close contact with your kids. Talk to them everyday.

Sahar02

This similar to what I meant to say/ask in this thread: How to raise a productive and positive member of society

But obviously the answers aren't easy.

Skittlez

Instill confidence in them, love them, nurture them, spend time... involve yourself in their lives so that you know each and every thing thats going on and what bothers them... encourage them to join a sports team or a club to be active in school and after school activities. Alot of times the ones that do turn out "bad", are the quiet ones, those are the ones you really have to watch out for. The anti-social loners who scheme to even out scores with anyone who ever wronged them.

If you look at the history of most murderers or criminals, you'll find that they didnt have that white picket fence perfect childhood that we automatically assume they did. They've usually been abused themselves or witnessed abuse in their home or immediate enviroment, there's drug use by one or both parents, neglect. Sorry to say but alot of it really IS the parents' lack of proper parenting skills. They never take the time to guide their child on how to become a good, civilized, respectable citizen and part of society. They dont teach them how to be good human beings, and its sad. The kids dont channel their angers and frustrations appropriately. The question even is how do kids, young kids even obtain weapons? Alot of them get these guns, rifles and other sorts of dangerous things right from their very own homes.

UZ

Be the parents and then be their friends also so they can share their feelings and emotions with you.In that way you know where they are going and may be you can help them when they are in need of help.

Niksik

I think we need to establish the balance between trust and interference...lots of parents don't check their kids blind spots or habits, they don't involve themselves in their childrens lives as friends but like to either dominate or give them extreme freedom.

Now in the particular case mentioned in the first post, the mom was shocked that so much was going on in her home, her son was building ammunition and chalking plans for an attack for weeks, and she had no clue..

Oh my god...how can you not? This kid had pages and pages of essays on destruction and the parents had no idea...

Isn't this what happens when kids get involved in terrorism in other countries?

I read an article in Newsweek last year about how kids and young adults in this particular town left home to join suicide missions. The author said that in most cases, it was kids who had a poor self image, a lack of accomplishment who got involved.

It think this is where we parents play a big big role...

Mamaof3

Yes, that mother was shocked over what her son did. But there were pretty loud clues. I think I remember that she worked and spent little time with him. His computer was a wealth of hate and destruction sites and blog rants. He was unpopular andd picked on incessantly. He always wore black. He listened to extreme goth and rap hate music. And built up quite an armory of weaponry in his home.

Dont you think the mother should have picked up on any of this?

Those 2 kids opened eyes in the US. Parents who decided that 2 incomes were more important than spending quality time have reconsidered. Schools have developed "zero tolerance" policies about bullying. There are many more supports available now to kids with low self-esteem and schools are more inclined to get parents involved when they see a child with low self esteem.

I'm all for giving kids a bit of independence when they earn the trust. But vigilance is very key. You have to know your kids, what they're doing, who they're hanging out with, what music they listen to, what websites they visit and what they publish on the internet. I'm not saying a parent should never allow one bit of privacy but keeping an eye on them is essential.

redvelvet

Yes, there should be a balance between trust and interference. Some parents (desi parents included) who breathe down their children's neck 24/7 and are too strict............risk their children rebelling in the future.

And there's a right and wrong way to do the "interference" as well. If the interferences is ALWAYS accompanied with a lecture and scolding and harsh criticism, it would turn anyone off. There's a time to lecture kids.............and a time to just smile.......ask them who they're hanging out with.......tell them to leave a phone number and to call.........end of story.

Especially with teenagers........it's good to check up on them if they're always hanging out behind closed doors. Just because your son/daughter's friend is in YOUR house......doesn't necessarily mean that they're doing nothing wrong. While you don't have to interrogate them like a cop, there's nothing wrong with making a friendly appearance.......asking they what they're doing.

In my opinion................in the case of the kids who did the Columbine shootings..........their problem goes much deeper than just parental involvement. Those two kids who did the shooting had low self-esteem and possibly anger management problems. Kids develop their sense of healthy or non-healthy self-esteem from the HOME. Parents set the foundation for their children's self-esteem. Kids who have a healthy self-esteem........DO get hurt when they're picked on...........but they know how to bounce back up and move on. They won't allow themselves to become consumed by another imperfect's kid's judgment of them to the point that it become a festering rage which manifests itself into violence.

You could have RICH parents who can provide their child with the latest fashions, gadgets, and luxury items............but their child will end up being screwed up if a sense of health self-esteem is not developed. And you can have children from the middle or even lower class whose parents are not only more involved but develop their children's confidence and they'll turn out fine.

It's also the parents' job to demonstrate conflict resolution skills for their kids. Parents seem to forget that children ARE WATCHING how angry parents behave. If mom or dad resolves conflicts by screaming insults, cursing, throwing things, hitting, developing festering grudges......................kids learn that. On the other hand, if parents demonstrate that they resolve conflicts by talking about things calmly, reaching compromises, using decent language, and have the ability to move on instead of becoming consumed by anger.............then hopefully the kids will follow that example as well.


************************************************** **

When I used to teach preschool.........one day a 4-year-old students of mind had called another student a "Motherf***er". I find it interesting that the victim was ABLE to tell that "Motherfu****" was a bad word. Now that I reflect over the incident......I wonder how the kid knew that it was a bad word. The radio? The tv? Parents? Anyhow........I called the kid who had SAID the nasty word. And I looked at the 4-year-old's facial expressions. He had ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what the word meant and why it was so bad.

So, when his mom came to pick him up.......I told her what happened. She was shocked and confused. She kept saying "Uh-uh his father and I.......we don't use that kind of language in the house. I don't know where he picked up that word. Maybe from the radio. Cuz we don't talk like that in my house." She told me that she'd talk to her son over the weekend.

The following Monday.............his mom told me that she recalled saying the word "Motherfu***r" for some inane occurrence such as breaking her nail or dropping something on the floor. During the time the word had slipped out of her mouth.........she and her husband quickly looked over at their son and were RELIEVED that he was sleeping.........or looked like he was sleeping........and thought "whew, he didn't hear it."

^ I think it's GREAT that this mother was able to put her pride and ego to the side and confess to a teacher that her child learned negative behavior from HER. It takes courage to admit your own mistakes. But this example just goes to show that children learn how to resolve issues from their parents. You could either teach your child how to solve problems decently OR you can teach your child to start cursing and losing control over incidents small or big.

Niksik

MO3, from the article it seemed that she had regular working hours and so did her husband, and they did spend a lot of time with the kids. I think the biggest mistake here was allowing too much independence. I've always had a problem with allowing kids to lock their rooms when inside or have sleepovers with kids whose families you don't know so well...

RV, correct...

Sara516

In some cases, it's a neurological thing and cannot be prevented. ?

redvelvet

Certain behaviors can be a result of neurological disorders. For example, one might have antisocial disorder or even bipolar disorder.

Even in this instance...............if the parent HAS noticed that their child's behavior is to an extreme...................and often times parents are informed of this by the teachers as well...........then it IS the parent's responsibility to seek professional medical/psychological help for their child. The professional can suggest strategies to redirect emotional outbursts, or calming ways to prevent outbursts, for example.

Mamaof3

0k so...the kid may have bipolar or antisocial complex or whatever neurological impairment. Schools are now on the lookout for these things but there are huge signs at home that parents need to be aware of. I mean come on...wearing nothing but black. Listening to "death and destruction" music. Posting death to classmates. Getting made fun of and ostrasized. So yeah, maybe mom or dad comes home from work all cheery and happy and takes the kid out to the zoo or to a pizza place...but do they LOOK at what the kid is doing on the internet? What types of things (like GUNS) that are accumulating in the kids room?

I dont care whether these things are the result of a neurological impariment or the result of incessant put-downs by peers. They need to be seen, heard and treated by parents, by teachers, by consultants and by peers. It truly does take avillage to raise a child an no child should be left out of the process. These kids were. Mom and dad were too busy earning more money to buy nicer things and they didnt even see that their kid had an arsenal accumulating IN.HIS.BEDROOM.

Sad.

Niksik

I completely agree MO3.

PureSunlight

I don't understand the big deal over black clothes. I used to wear nothing but black in highschool, well into college, and to this day, prefer black over any other color.

I'm pretty sure my mom would tell you I turned out okay.

Niksik

It's not just about the black clothes alone...but the combination of all his behavioral traits.

Sahar02

You know what's scary tho? In the end there are great attentive parents who have troubled kids who do bad things. As much as parents may try to influence a child for the better, I think sometimes, it's not in their power to change things.

I wonder what must be harder as a parent, feeling like you didn't do enough, or feeling like there was nothing you could do?

Mamaof3

Sunlight, you're right to an extent - nothing wrong with black clothes. But taken to an extreme and dressing "goth" is an indication to me that something may be wrong. They dressed in a manner similar to their "hero" marilyn manson

http://nbnl.globalwhelming.com/wp-co...anson-evan.jpg

Nomadic2009

This is exactly what I was thinking.
What if the parents do everything they can do to be near perfect but still their son or daughter turns out to be some weirdo or something?
Parents can't be everywhere all the time and we know that as a parent you have to give them space and respect their privacy.How to know that they will not take advantage of the trust you have in them?
As I see myself entering parenthood pretty soon iA,these days the thoughts that bother me are what if I fail as a parent?
I am not perfect,my husband is not perfect.Well no one is ever perfect than how do I expect to raise a near perfect child?
No doubt,parenthood isn't easy!!