Location: Rehnay ko Ghar naheeN hai, PF jahaaN hamaaraa
Posts: 70,885
beautiful... I specially liked the last sher...
nice zameen as well... kaheeN kaheeN mujhaY lagaa kaY alfaaz thoRay kum kiye jaa saktaY thaY, wazan aur radeef ku durust rakhnaY kaY liye aur kaheeN kaheeN alfaaz ko aagaY peechaY karnaY saY qafiye kee munaasibat ziadah behtar hoti... sirf meraa mushaahidah hai... I might be wrong....
overall, I liked the idea and the poem
“Quite often good things have hurtful consequences.There are instances of men who have been ruined by their money or KILLED by their COURAGE.” ~Aristotle
Open to suggestions but which dont compromise my expresion at the cost of craft.
Jab say toonay bhii muskaanaa chora hai
phooloN ne baaghoN meN aanaa chora hai
Ulfat maiN ab woh kahaanN lazzat baaqi
Jab say toonay dil ko dukhaanaa chora hai
Mor pay kaise aayay maraasim ab apnay
Roothana tumnay, maiNay manaanaa chora hai
Waqt-e-wasl maiN tera ghair sa milnaa
Bharam gharait-e-ishq nay ab khaanaa chora hai
Waqt-e-wasl maiN ghairoN saa milnaa teraa
Ghairat-e-ishq nay bharam ab khaanaa chora hai
Walwale dil ke Kisko dikhaauNga apnay
Toonay woh to rishta hii nibhaanaa chora hai
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Zabardast, bahut khoob! do you want to keep both verses, 4 and 5? I have translated and posted your ghazal both in English and Punjabi. Please see it at Intikhaab.
I am thankful to u both for the kind words.As i wrote in the starting that i am open to suggestions as traditional poetry of wazan n behr is not my forte.I welcome any suggestion.And kopra saheb thanx a lot for the kind effort of tranlating the poem.
Regards
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