wedding gifts

Ira · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:05 PM

Ok i dont want to sound a greedy, selfish bride who is after the presents, but how rude or proper is it to specify the wedding presents? My parents bought me a lot of stuff for the home where i wont have the use for the usual boxed gifts you get as a wedding present (toasters, dinner sets etc). Is it rude or improper to specify you would prefer cash instead? I would rather not waste their money and buy us something we already have and i hate to pass on gifts to others. Btw, we are having a very small wedding, only 100 people or so, so most folks are close family and friends.

Since i havent attended a lot of weddings, i am not sure what the proper ettiquette is. Any input will be highly appreciated.

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:12 PM

i think more and more pakistani people are putting "no boxed gifts" on their invitations, but its considered a big no-no in wedding etiquette. you cannot invite someone to your wedding and then expect them to give you something in particular, unless its close family or friends that you've talked to about it.

a compromise is gift certificates- its still a present, but theres no actual gift bought so you can do whatever you want with the money!

and if you're putting up a wedding website, thats the perfect venue for letting people know where you're registered.

this article explains it nicely-

http://www.beau-coup.com/gift_giving_etiquette.htm

Quote:

Wedding Gifts can be sent out as soon as guests receive invitations. Most couples register with two to three stores. Traditionally couples registered for china, crystals, or glassware, but today they can register for just about anything! The fine china and linens are still popular at department stores like Macy's, but with specialty stores such as Crate & Barrel, and national chains like Target also offering gift registries the range of products becomes very broad, including unconventional items like sports equipment, or patio furniture. Gift registries are useful, but by no means mandatory. It is considered presumptuous to list wedding registries in your invitations. Guests who wish to find out where the couple might be registered should ask someone in the wedding party, a family member, or other people who are helping out with the planning. In other words, you rely on word of mouth rather than telling your guests directly where they might find a gift for you. Completing a registry can be helpful, but guests should not feel they must purchase something from your registry. Some people may still prefer the element of surprise when giving a gift, or might have something personal in mind to give to the couple. Contrary to popular belief, there is no calculable amount of money each person attending a wedding should spend on a wedding gift. It is not the amount of money spent on the reception divided by the number of guests. A gift should be a token of affection, and is not intended to pay for the wedding. However, to not send a gift altogether is in poor taste. A wedding invitation carries with it an obligation to send a gift, even if you cannot attend the actual wedding. Depending on your relationship with the couple, the gift can be small, or something more substantial. When sending out invitations, keep in mind that guests who are invited may feel the need to send a gift whether or not they can attend. So it might be a good idea to send just wedding announcements to those who live far away and may not be able to make it. If for some reason the wedding is cancelled, it is absolutely necessary to return the gifts.

ambar · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:33 PM

Do people really still give toasters and stuff as wedding gifts?? I thought most people just gave money now? My mom went on and on and on at me to have "no boxed gifts" written on my invitations but i refused cos i think it kinda ruins the look of the card. She swears that if i get any toasters i have to take them all with me! Anyway, my fiance and I have chosen to go for a wedding gift list, which i think is gonna shock the bijeeezez out of some ppl! But we're being selective about who we're giving the giftlist card too, cos some ppl will be more accepting of it than others. I think in this day and age, you either ask for money ("no boxed gifts please") or have a wedding list. I know some ppl can get wierd about it, but at least you end up with stuff you want or the money to buy the stuff you want and everyones happy!

lublyjubly · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:42 PM

in western culture it is looked upon badly to say no boxed gifts, as you shouldn't expect gifts, so white people may not like it.

We get loads of invites for paki weddings with 'no boxed gifts' written on them. i personally wouldn't be offended if i got that on a card. i prefer to give money so they can buy what they want. unless it's a close friend when i'll give money and a personal gift too.

seriously, who wants 10 toasters?! how does that even make sense? i don't think too many paki's are up on the gift list thing unless they are under the age of 30!!

money is the most sensible option and most paki's i know give money.. but be warned even though you write no boxed gift, some aunty will go into her loft and get that dusty crappy china set that someone gave her and she no longer wants, so you get the pleasure of it!!!!!! grin and bear it!!!!

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:42 PM

but its just so tacky to ask for money so explicitly! i just dont get this trend. i mean, not everyone can afford to give money, and you're putting your guests in a situation where they HAVE to give you money if they show up, and if they don't, then they look like morons. and if they give you too little, then its their respect on the line, you know?

my family was on at me too to put no boxed gifts and they just didnt get how rude it was. gah!

as for toasters, nah man, people don't give toasters unless its a gag gift between friends. ambar, where did you register? i still have to do that. i wish there was a bed, bath and beyond in toronto. i love that store!

lublyjubly · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:45 PM

if all else fails and you don't write 'no boxed gifts' and get loads of doubles and stuff you don't like, do what everyone else does...EBAY!!!!!

Ira · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:47 PM

Thanks for the input gals. SGS, giving money is a desi thing. If you were in pakistan, thats all you would get from the guests except if there are close family and friends. They usually help out and buy and some household items for the new couple. Atleast thats how it is in my family in Pak. When i was visiting to get my bridal clothes, all my relatives got me clothing/jewellery and almost everyone got me something i could use in our new home InshaAllah. I thought that was thoughtful and was very much appreciated. Not that they bought something for me, but something that i could actually use.

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 12:47 PM

precisely!!

but our tradition/culture dictate giving money anyway, so i woudn't be too stressed about getting toasters, ira. of course, kitchenaid does make a very sexy toaster, so i'm definitely registering for that on purpose! haha

and unfortunately, theres no way of preventing rubbish glass vases or other gifts - those are fated to be regifted to some newlywed couple or the other. haha

Ira · Apr 23rd, 2007, 01:03 PM

LOL yep, KitchenAid and Cusinart appliances are to die for. They definetly are sexy

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 01:20 PM

i am so putting the red stand mixer on my registry! lets see if anyone forks out $400 for it! but seriously, that thing is so divine.

also my fam from pakistan are giving us money as wedding gifts and also clothes, i believe. so that worked out nicely!

Ira · Apr 23rd, 2007, 01:37 PM

I have been forcedly given the red stand mixer but the thing is so huge, i would hate to drag it out to mix a cake or something. I would have much rather preferred a hand mixer, the kind with electronic mix thingies

Lusi · Apr 23rd, 2007, 01:40 PM

well we get lot of cards saying "please no boxed gifts"

desi people most of the time ignore the registry things.....

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 01:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ira

I have been forcedly given the red stand mixer but the thing is so huge, i would hate to drag it out to mix a cake or something. I would have much rather preferred a hand mixer, the kind with electronic mix thingies

what??! omg, can i have it? dude, i will totally buy it off you!

Ira · Apr 23rd, 2007, 01:54 PM

SGC, maybe if you invite me, you can have it!

Lusi, i am tempted to write that but then again, i dont want to be rude to the guests. Maybe word of the mouth will help.....

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 02:01 PM

hrm... are you in toronto? cos thats a regift i can handle!! haha

andrew is gonna shoot me when he sees how openly i'm issuing invites!

Mrs Saieen · Apr 23rd, 2007, 02:03 PM

I thought wedding gifts are more of a gora thing? In all teh desi weddings i've known, nobody gives actual gifts to teh bride/groom, they give them money instead... the only ones who give gifts or anything are close relatives...And even that money, usually doenst go to the bride/groom themselves, it usually goes to the parents because they're paying for the wedding, so thats fair...

Personally I think money is the best thing, let them buy watever they want, of their own choice/taste..

Mrs Saieen · Apr 23rd, 2007, 02:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by somegroovychick

but its just so tacky to ask for money so explicitly! i just dont get this trend. i mean, not everyone can afford to give money, and you're putting your guests in a situation where they HAVE to give you money if they show up, and if they don't, then they look like morons. and if they give you too little, then its their respect on the line, you know?

my family was on at me too to put no boxed gifts and they just didnt get how rude it was. gah!

as for toasters, nah man, people don't give toasters unless its a gag gift between friends. ambar, where did you register? i still have to do that. i wish there was a bed, bath and beyond in toronto. i love that store!

Well, no bride will ever be just sitting there on stage counting out every dollar that's given. I don't remember who gave me how much..some gave us $$ in envelopes with their name on it, some wrapped the notes in tehir biddh bags and most others just gave rolled up cash that I quickly stuffed into my purse...

ashtray · Apr 23rd, 2007, 02:10 PM

I always give my friends zabardast kisam ke red cover and golden base walay bedside lamps, wo bhi 2.

Ira · Apr 23rd, 2007, 02:14 PM

Sara, in weddings back home i have seen people sit next to the bride/groom adn write down what the guests gave. This was mostly done so when it was a time to go to a wedding at their place, you wouldnt give anything less.

SGC, you are spared, i am in Chicago

Or maybe i could convince my husband to take a trip to TO in August. Ofcourse he wouldnt know WHY

somegroovychick · Apr 23rd, 2007, 02:32 PM

hahaha

ira, don't you dare! i want to live!

and i think people keep track of gifts/money so they can send out thankyou notes later for those. at least thats why we're keeping track.

as for giving the present money to the parents, w00t!!!?? my folks are shelling out too but that money is our present, thankyouverymuch!