somegroovychick

we're not having a valima... but we're having our reception two days after the nikah IA on the day of our civil ceremony, so i guess technically we could call it a valima.

Mrs Saieen

"but if u wana build more affection and relationship with your husband you can give it to him ... yes its a good idea to spend it for ur honeymooon also ..."

Uh , yeah right....
I dont konw why desis keep getting this idea that the haq meher is a somewhat "bad" thing, that it means the girl is money-hungry or if she doesnt give it back, she's ruining her relationship with hubby. That's pretty much what you're saying....

"because mahr is like a right of the girl for the boy to sleep with her"

I'm sorry but that makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever. You're reducing something that is a wife's right, to just a cheap encounter (if he doesnt give her money, she doesnt have sex)... really now..

Mrs Saieen

A valima IS a reception, they're the same thing! Goras just happen to do their valimas on the same day as the wedding rather than a day later like in a desi wedding..

fbi786

Sorry mrs ji ... i didnt mean it that way, to clarify ... i am only telling what the islamic perspective is on mahr , what can be done with it and who takes it whose right it is to have it how much it is etc ... Alhamdo Lillah i have sufficient knowledge on Mahr to tell this ... .......sorry to have u confused wth this idea of ruining relationship....

yes thas the thing ....by him not giving mahr the girl has the right to prevent sleeping with er husband ... but if shes waivered it then the man has right to sleep wth her ..but if after that ..the woman still denies sleeping with husband and matter reaches Talaq then All of the mahr of her peers( i.e. the amount of mahr her fellow sisters got - conditons apply ..)....she will recieve back but if tey ve slept and after that the woman denies to sleep with the husband then she gets half mah back and tey will be separated ... dont think man is paying to slp with her but no woman also has rights and thas thru mahr ....

*theres too many Things that are considered but ^ this is just briefely i out-lined*

Mrs Saieen

^ I didnt' confuse anything, I made my judgement based exactly on what you wrote.

haq mehr has nothign to do with building "affection" and "relationship" with the husband..unless the husband happens to equate love and affection with money. In that case, that's a pretty sad relationship to begin with! Most husband's will give the haq meher, if the wife takes it great, if not, its' her decision...noone has the right to even slightly pressure the girl into giving it back, by saying "oh it'll make your relationship better if you give it back/refuse it." that's just being manipulative and chalaak. in no way is it meant to "build" the relationship, and neither should it be cheapened to just sexual encounters. That's just ridiculous.

Shikra

I had set it twice the amount of what the Imam said was the standard.
Well, this is what the imam said: There are 2 kinds (I can't remember the terms). One is where you pay it before you two consummate the marriage and the other one is deferred that you can pay anytime during your lifetime (obviously pay it as ASAP because you can die any time). The woman doesn't have to take it. She can opt to "forgive" it and that's what Mrs. Shikra did. That was the first thing I did (offer her the haq mehar) when I spoke to her after we arrived back at the hotel.

Again, haq mehar is kind of security that if you divorce your wife, it's to help her live for some time. If you know you are not gonna divorce (love marriage etc) then there's really no point in setting it too high or too low. Some people set it too high to show off (the guys side) and sometimes the bride's side ask the dude to set it high and then they look for ways to get divorced so that they can get that money.

It is strictly between the husband and the wife. My dad was trying to HELP me and point me to the right direction by giving me ideas how high to set it but the Imam asked him to be quiet as it's entirely up to me. There is no right or wrong amount. If the guy wants (and the girl - not her family - is okay with that amount), it could be $5 or $5M.

Mrs Saieen

.

somegroovychick

in all the shaadi's i've attended, they have the nikah on day one immediately followed by the shaadi reception which is a full on reception with dinner, dancing, etc. that same night. and then the day after that or a couple of days after that, they have the valima. so theres actually two receptions taking place. usually brides wear red or maroon or pink on the shaadi and some lighter color jora on the valima. we've seen lots of pictures of that in the bridal pics thread too, so i know we're not the only ones who have two receptions.

in other words, to me, theres the shaadi, i.e. nikah followed by reception, and valima, i.e. second reception a day or so after the shaadi. we're only doing the shaadi reception, so officially, we're not having a valima. but unoffically, we could call it one since it will be after the nikah.

Mrs Saieen

^ I think we're talking abt the same thing, but just a confusion in terminology..
In most desi weddings , it's nikaah...followed by dinner/dancing/the bride goes home..that whole event is known as the wedding day/baraat/rukhsati. That includes dinner and dancing and wahtnot. The next day (or day after, wahtever), is when teh bride and groom come in together, that is the valima or otherwise known as the reception...
So we dont have just two receptions, we only have one, the first "reception" that you're talking about, is really just the wedding day

bunnyhoney

Hmmm.... since when was mehr related to the sexual relationship of the husband and wife?? I didnt know that.....

wannabe_a_mum

In my experience, more love marriages have ended in divorce than arranged marriages!!!!
And you can never be sure whats round the corner in either case!!

Shikra

True. If the couple is mature and doesn't jump into the wedding while they are infatuated with each other, then those weddings work out. I also know of a few stories where the love marriages failed; but then I also know some where arranged marriages turned out to be disasters. That's a discussion for another day, but in short, you are right but exceptions are always there.

p.s. When I gave that example about love marriages, I had myself and mrs. in mind and we got married after knowing each other for 3+ years

bunnyhoney

Hmmmm.... but I do think it is possible for those who are infatuated by each other to have a good marrage.