nadz123

SAY, she and another aunty go out shopping, and are looking to buy you zever, and she wants to get you 5 tola.....which is nothing, and the shops there even said that 5 tola is nothing, so in the end she ends up buying a 13 tola set...( with ppersuasion i think, not sure

not sure if this is a stingy habit or that maybe shes not fond of her DIL TO BE...either way what would you reaction be if you found out and would you ignore this feeling....

its a horrible sinking feeling when you realise that at the end of the day shes not ur mother. your mother would buy you the most expensive gold set or a reasonable priced one, and by the way, this MIL is not poor, quite well off indeed.....living in pak.

how would you react knowing that your not meant to know this info....

sumorani

Very upset and would complain endlessly to my to-be-husband which would make his life hell and then he would tell his cheap mom to buy better jewelry. But that's only me.

Pareezay

that's so me.

redvelvet

Nadzz, I'm not an expert on gold. But I will say that i have seen people buy gold that is more valuable (as far as carrats and tolas are concerned)............but in the MOST UGLIEST DESIGN! So, that's something to consider as well. Quantity over Quality?.....or.......Quality over Quantity?

Also, I'm learning that it's better to believe in comments that you have heard yourself with your own ears. Believe it or not........even family members can distort stories. You weren't there with your MIL so you don't know what happened.

And also, these are tough times. Look at the strained global economy which is bad enough for people living in the west.......but it's worse for those living in third world countries like Pakistan. And a poor economy is tough for everyone...the poor....the middle class....and even the wealthy. Perhaps they're struggling financially and trying to do their best. And you might argue that they are not struggling. And that might be true. But very few people like to admit that they are having money troubles.

Or your MIL could simply be clueless about gold and tolas. Like me, for exmaple. My parents are both fond of gold jewelry....and have an interest in it....and I like it as well........but I'm clueless about tolas. One can drive a car and be clueless aboutt he various internal parts of the car. Know what I mean?

Bottom line: You're marrying your cousin not your MIL. And he loves you and will inshAllah be supportive of you. Your MIL did eventually buy you a 13 tola set. You werent there with her during the shopping proess so don't listen to gossip.

Idea: If you're that worried about it. Be a bit sly. Have your mom ask about the jewelry and nicely hint about the tolas. It would hard for his mom to ignore your mom's comments.

Kinzz

well i wont mind...my sister's MIL bought a cheap set with out jhoomar and really small tikka...my mother said to my sister u have a big life ahead...u will buy what ever u want with ur husband's money in future so dont worry about this set..

so dont worry about what she give u or what not...if u dont like that set u can exchange with some other u will....and thats what my sister did after her marrige...

nadz123

MIL said to my aunt sh wanted to buy a `chota sa` set.....and my aunt is her sister in law and my mums sister and i know she doesnt lie or distort.....shes a good woman...so who knows.but it does giving u a sinking feeling in the pit of ur stomach

redvelvet

Yikes! In that case....do some scheming. Tell your aunt to hint for the desired tola size on your behalf!

nadz123

they already bought a 13 tola set..we only found out after the shoppn done.

ClassyGal

i insisted on my MIL to get me a fake gold set lol she was like whattt are u serious? i HATE gold and i told her id probably never wear it again and id hate to have her waste money on something like that.. but in ur situation, ur MIL was being just plain cheap lol thats a little disheartening

Sweet_LiL_Hunnie

lol my mom would buy me the cheapest set or one that's just gold plated, she's a practical woman and would say that the money can go to better stuff like furniture for the new house or something.


if your mother in law is cheaping out on you don't take it to heart, your husband will make up for that don't worry.

Sara516

How did u know abt this btw? If it was the "good" aunty who's so "good", who told u this..well hun she ain't so good.

anyways I wouldn't worry about it. She got u the nice/big set, so wear it with pride/happiness. Oh but if u REALLY want to get back at her, bring a separate set along with u so if u don't like it, wear that one.

druggist

If the MIL was well off financially and could have spared the money either way, Yes I would be very hurt. I would think that she's bringing me into the family, and this is a sign of her happiness (AGAIN ONLY IF SHE COULD SPARE THE MONEY EITHER WAY)

If it would put the MIL in lots of strain financially, I'd be upset if she bought the 13 tola set, and would've preferred the 5.

If she was in A LITTLE financial strain because of it, but not a lot, then I would appreciate her consideration and kindness.

Either way, I wouldn't complain to my husband about it. No sense in nagging about material things and gifts. In the end whatever she gave you was a gift, and we really shouldn't expect anything from anyone, and appreciate anything they gave us, and hope that Allah gives us the barakah to be able to provide for ourselves and for others, inshAllah

WhateverFloatsUrBoat

maybe she bought a smaller set b/c a lot of girls nowaday prefer more delicate and wearable things. no one wants to buy a heavy set only to see that their DIL isn't wearing it. i wouldn't care about the set...dunno why ppl are so superficial these day...do you even remember this is the most important thing in your life, getting married you should focus on praying you have a good life inshallah instead of trying to figure out if your MIL is cheap or not

daaskilam

Well honestly I would not have cared. If you get a 20 tola set how often r u going to wear that. It probably will be sitting in the locker and you will be paying zakaat year after year.

My thinking would be well its their izzat too what kind of jewelry to give to thir DIL if they do not care about that people will talk about their cheapness.

That will provide you with an excuse to buy sets according to your own taste after the marriage.

somegroovychick

you need to give her the benefit of the doubt- like someone else said, maybe she was thinking living abroad it would be more practical for you in terms of being worn again. or maybe she's spending a lot of money on you and your wedding elsewhere. don't start off your new relationship with your MIL on a sour note like this- stop thinking about it. at the end of the day, its her money and you should be happy and grateful she's getting you something, regardless of size or price. and what if the 5 tola set had diamonds in it? a lot of diamond sets are very nazuk and not all about the gold. you weren't there, you don't know the design or the style or what it was worth- these are all assumptions that are only causing you more grief than good.
plus like sara said, the "good" lady who told you obviously said something to stir up some trouble/bad feelings- wtf is up with that?

also always remember that your MIL is never going to be your mother or like your mother or as close as your mother, so you should never, ever have the same expectations from her as you would from your parents, even if she is related to you. just like she will never hold those expectations of being "just like her daughter" from you.

Aleeza24

well do you have any nand or jeetani ...if yes than how much gold did they got from your mother in law .if they got more than its not fair..

well these days gold is really expensive and its difficult for people in pakistan to affort it....but yea if she is rich than this is wrong that she just wanted to buy you a 5 tolla set

well my MIL gave to my 1st Jeetani 27 tollas gold and when it was 2nd jeetani marrige than she got 30 so it was 3 tollas more than my 1st jeetani so she made a kara of 3 tollas for my 1st jeetani...........now my 3rd jeetani got married and her gold was 33 tolas but than my 1st jeetani (who is also sister of 3rd jeetani) said that it doesnt matter if she got more because it all depends on the set or choriyan and if she got more than its her kismat......but than i thought y didnt she said same thing when it was my 2nd jeetani wedding......

5 tolla is nothing .....usually boy side at least give 25 tollas but well it also depends on financial situaltions......

augustsunshine

Ugh what's this desi obsession with gold. It's so ugly! I would prefer just gems or diamonds any day!!

But yeah it totally depends on your MIL's financial means. If she could totally afford a heavier set, then it's upsetting but not to the point where you ruin your relationship with your fiance. Your fiance had no control over it and it's not his fault.

And you can never ever FORCE anyone especially in-laws to treat you better. They will treat you just how they WANT to treat you. So even if you harrass your fiance or question your MIL, it will just put YOU in a bad light. A MIL might give you 30 tolas (whatever tola means!) but if she harbors resentment towards you, is the gold really worth it???

You need to focus on building a respectful relationship with your MIL and these things will just prevent that from happening. Just relax and enjoy the wedding. Gold is so overrated!

Silaaj

Im sorry, but any girl who measures love based on the size of a jewelry is, :sigh: There are a variety of reasons for MILs buying small, lesser priced, or even artificial sets for their DILs to be. Now if you have a beef with your MIL on this before you are even married, then Im afraid you are sowing seeds of contempt before the marriage has even started.
This will lead you to measure the size of every thing she gives you. That will naturally lead to differences with your husband.
The worst thing a girl or a guy can do is compare their parents to their parents-in-law. The two can never be the same, so dont expect them to be. And besides, your perception of your parents vs your parents in law will never be the same either. Even if your parents did something that you hate your parents-in-law for, you would never even think of blaming your parents.
Maturity should be a pre-requisite to marriage! Forget age and all that.

RupayHalwa

I think dear Aunty is stirring, they r very professional at stirring in Pakistan.

What if your MIL set out to get you a total of 13 tola's but in different items, like a small necklace set and some bangles? She would have shopped for the necklace first and then looked at something else, but egged on by Aunty and shopkeepers (who of course are going to say 5 tolas is nothing, buy more!) she thought her private thoughts were wrong and went with the flow.

Trust me, if your MIL was going to get you only 5 Tolas, she would NOT have pushed her purchase up to 13.

Don't fall for the stirring "well meaning" aunty's tricks. If you are going to live in Pakistan, you have alot to learn about people's "well intentioned" advice. TRUST NO ONE and tryt o get on with everyone to the best of your ability.

Ophy

why does it matter? you start complaining there will be bad air. and you will look the greedy one.
I agree with what RupayHalwa said. Don't make an issue out of this.